five freaking miles

Posted on by
14

Finally.

You would think after running 26.2, five would be no big deal. Well, I assure you, it was. I am so behind on my training schedule for the Canyonlands Half Marathon, but last night I finally got in a solid five mile run. It felt really good (especially the part when I stopped after every mile to restart the treadmill, thereby fooling onlookers into thinking I had only been on it for 10 minutes, rather than 45…the joys of an overcrowded gym and their “rules”).

It felt so good to run. I took it pretty slow, but I didn’t walk. That was my goal. Then I came home and did my Turbo Sculpt video (half of it…I’m trying to not get obsessive) and then a little Street Fusion – Street Jazz and Hip Hop just for fun.

What is Street Fusion, you ask? It’s my latest DVD purchase. I have been wanting to take a hip hop class for a while, but my schedule just doesn’t allow it, so I decided to buy a video. Tonight was the first go (videos are always risky) and I LOVED it! It wasn’t too remedial and it is all about choreography, which is totally my way of dancing. It took me back to my days of cheerleading in high school. Yes, it’s true. I know I’ve posted pictures before, but I’m going to do it again (notice the remnants of toilet paper in the tree behind me…the joys of high school). ETA: I have no idea what happened to the picture…I’ll add it again later.

And now, because it’s me, I need to leave you with my “deep” gym thoughts:

  1. I have to admit that there is something enjoyable about checking guys out at the gym. I know most of us women love to complain about how the gym can be such a meat-market, but hey, if they’re going to put it out there, I’m going to look. Too honest? Perhaps, but I’m not attached to anyone so I feel free to look. I’m not lusting or anything, just enjoying the scenery.

  2. While I enjoy checking out guys (and trust me, there are lots of different things to admire) I realized that I often create stories in my head about them, and generally, the better looking they are (in the classic, Hollywood sense) the bigger jerks they are in the stories I create. Hmm, maybe I need therapy to deal with my issues?

  3. I also check out the girls (you know, in a “why the hell are you at the freaking gym when you are so freaking skinny?” kind of way) and what I realized tonight is that I just have to let go. Some people are genetically blessed. Some people don’t have food addictions or a general aversion to exercise (every day is a battle, I swear). And when those thoughts failed to convince me that I should not hate these women, I just started thinking about how most of them probably have OCD, and that made me feel better.

when it rains…in a good way

Posted on by
13

So, I just wanted to share how blessed I feel. Yesterday, as I shared, I got accepted to an MBA program in Nashville, which in and of itself made the day great.

Then, I had a voicemail from the admissions counselor with whom I interviewed. She said there were some things she needed to discuss with me that weren’t in the letter. I called her back immediately because I was pretty dang excited. It turns out not only did I get accepted, they have offered me a great scholarship.

And at 7:06 pm, the newest member of my family was born, happy and healthy. I’m not going to say more on that right now because the parents have yet to post about their newest addition and I don’t want to steal their thunder. But look for some cute pictures to come!

These are the times when all of the crappy, hard things I’ve gone through in my life seem so minor compared to how blessed I am. I seriously don’t feel like I deserve so much (not that the baby is my blessing, per se)…but I’m going to take it.

nashville

Posted on by
6

I now have some options. I just got the letter from V (via email) and I’m in!

I’m still waiting on a few schools, but it sure does feel good to have options and to get into another great program.

Decisions, decisions. Of course I wanted to get into V…I just don’t love making decisions when both options are great.

(And in case you are wondering which other program I got into, it’s the university that I work for, currently…my fear of Google keeps me from posting any actual names).

weight watchers weekly – week 3 redo

Posted on by
5

Yes…I know I said I would post every week again, but last week was a little crazy.

I have a food addiction. I have known this for a long time, but I think I’m finally coming to terms with it. In fact, for the first time (in such precise language) I actually vocalized this last night. I was talking to my aunt and we were discussing a girl who is severely overweight and has health problems because of it and how, when my aunt saw her recently, she was just eating constantly.

I thought about this for a minute. My initial reaction was, “I wonder how many people see me eating and think that.” One of the joys of having struggled with weight for so long and being relatively obsessed with it is that I automatically internalize anything anyone says to me about anyone in regards to weight. Not a fun existence, but I finally talk back to the voices that plague me. Moving on, I really felt sorry for this girl because I have been there. And, truthfully, in my head, I am almost always there. Food is my drug of choice.

I made the comment to my aunt that this poor girl is probably addicted to food and then continued with sharing my own feelings about my own addiction. I think it was a bit enlightening for my aunt. I often wonder if the “thin” people of the world realize how hard it is for those of us who have serious problems. It’s not that I don’t think that lots of people have to watch what they eat, but there’s a difference between watching what you eat and being totally and completely obsessed with what you eat.

I think I kept hoping that, if I just lost weight, I would lose my obsession with food. Not so much. I mean, I have lost a lot of weight before, but…it has never stayed off and I think, in great part, this is due to the fact that I didn’t realize that I really do have an addiction. I’m not really sure what my point in sharing this with all of you is, but I’m sharing it. I guess I feel like the last two weeks have been really good for me, emotionally. It’s a learning process, but it felt really liberating to just say, “Yes, I’m addicted to food.”

In realizing this, I have started to treat my relationship with food differently. The problem with a food addiction, and I think I might have mentioned this before, is that I can’t just quit eating. There’s no “cold turkey” in the food addict’s world. It’s a constant battle that must be fought daily. I have to consider the whys of every food choice I make. It pretty much sucks, but it’s the way it is.

Having said that…I will now share a little about the last two weeks. They were hard. I was not as good as I should have been, but considering I was traveling and have had a crazy schedule, I’m going to go a little easy on myself. The grand total for two weeks: 4.2 lbs.

dear you…inspired by the voices in my head

Posted on by
8

Dear Common Denominator,

Why the heck can’t you see that the problem is you? You are the only common factor in your seemingly endless trials and frustrations. Would you just figure it out already?

Sincerely,

The girl who is tired of listening to you go on and on and on about how you don’t understand how this happened to you…again

Dear OCD,

Really, it’s time to just stop manifesting yourself in me. I cannot make a decision about where to go to school when I have not yet learned of all my options. And maybe there won’t be any options, and then think of the hours I will have wasted thanks to you and your ever present nagging.

Without any love at all,

The girl you try to send over the edge from the time she wakes up until she goes to sleep…and sometimes even in her dreams

Dear Chubs,

Here’s the thing. If I am ever going to lose weight and feel good about how I look, you are going to have to die. I’m sorry. I now that’s cruel and I’m not really a fan of the death penalty (at least not when I’m killing part of myself), but you and the person I want to become cannot coexist. You are going to have to go. And since it has become apparent that you are not going to leave of your own volition, I must kill you. It may take me a while, and I promise it is going to hurt me more than you realize, but I believe our time together needs to come to an end.

Sincerely,

The girl who is terrified of a reality she has yet to experience, but one who sees that she can’t stand the one she knows any longer

Dear Money Bags,

You know you don’t really exist, right? I know that you think you do. But you don’t. Money does not grow on trees (at least not in my world), so it’s about time you shut up. It is getting ridiculous. I thought that if I stopped going into stores, the tempting and taunting would slowly dissipate. But no. It doesn’t matter that I’m not faced with an onslaught of items I want to purchase for myself or someone else. I have memories of things I wish to purchase and it’s like you have a list of those memories and you just can’t stop sharing. I am sick of you. Why don’t you go bug someone who actual has the means to listen to you?

Sincerely,

The girl who really wants to always pay cash for anything she needs and/or wants for herself or someone else

Dear Historian,

Let it go, already. I can’t change the past. I can’t change my mistakes. I can’t change what I’ve already done. I’ve learned what I can from the past. Why must you constantly berate me with the should’ve, could’ve, and would’ves? I mean, don’t you think I would go back and change things if I could?

Sincerely,

The girl who doesn’t understand why you think she’s a complete idiot

Dear Injured One,

Sometimes people are going to hurt my feelings. Sometimes people are going to be mean on purpose. And sometimes, believe it or not, a person is going to come along who just doesn’t like me. I’m okay with that, or I was until you piped up. I need you to stop whining and let me be. I know I’m a special shade of crazy. I’ve made my peace with it. Why can’t you?

Sincerely,

The girl who just wants to enjoy her life without worrying about whether someone likes her

Dear Pessimist,

You have been around for a long time. You rarely say anything because you know I rarely listen, and yet…it has finally come to my awareness that your timing, above anyone else’s, is absolutely impeccable. You know exactly when to pop up. And I’m so not used to hearing from you that you always catch me off guard. You wait until I am weak, after something else has gotten me down, and then, BAM!, there you are, in my face, and I have nothing left to stop you. The thing is, I always end up with new weapons in my arsenal, so maybe it’s time you just let me be. Fighting you is so exhausting and the collateral damage is totally unnecessary. I mean, you are never going to win the war, so can’t you just give up the battles, too.

Sincerely,

The girl who is totally optimistic at heart, but sometimes just gets squashed

P.S. I don’t really have voices in my head…well, none that aren’t my own.