Yes…I know I said I would post every week again, but last week was a little crazy.
I have a food addiction. I have known this for a long time, but I think I’m finally coming to terms with it. In fact, for the first time (in such precise language) I actually vocalized this last night. I was talking to my aunt and we were discussing a girl who is severely overweight and has health problems because of it and how, when my aunt saw her recently, she was just eating constantly.
I thought about this for a minute. My initial reaction was, “I wonder how many people see me eating and think that.” One of the joys of having struggled with weight for so long and being relatively obsessed with it is that I automatically internalize anything anyone says to me about anyone in regards to weight. Not a fun existence, but I finally talk back to the voices that plague me. Moving on, I really felt sorry for this girl because I have been there. And, truthfully, in my head, I am almost always there. Food is my drug of choice.
I made the comment to my aunt that this poor girl is probably addicted to food and then continued with sharing my own feelings about my own addiction. I think it was a bit enlightening for my aunt. I often wonder if the “thin” people of the world realize how hard it is for those of us who have serious problems. It’s not that I don’t think that lots of people have to watch what they eat, but there’s a difference between watching what you eat and being totally and completely obsessed with what you eat.
I think I kept hoping that, if I just lost weight, I would lose my obsession with food. Not so much. I mean, I have lost a lot of weight before, but…it has never stayed off and I think, in great part, this is due to the fact that I didn’t realize that I really do have an addiction. I’m not really sure what my point in sharing this with all of you is, but I’m sharing it. I guess I feel like the last two weeks have been really good for me, emotionally. It’s a learning process, but it felt really liberating to just say, “Yes, I’m addicted to food.”
In realizing this, I have started to treat my relationship with food differently. The problem with a food addiction, and I think I might have mentioned this before, is that I can’t just quit eating. There’s no “cold turkey” in the food addict’s world. It’s a constant battle that must be fought daily. I have to consider the whys of every food choice I make. It pretty much sucks, but it’s the way it is.
Having said that…I will now share a little about the last two weeks. They were hard. I was not as good as I should have been, but considering I was traveling and have had a crazy schedule, I’m going to go a little easy on myself. The grand total for two weeks: 4.2 lbs.