One of the speakers at church on Sunday asked the following, in reference to receiving answers to prayers:

Are you paying pennies for dollar answers?

This made me think about how many things in my life I want and whether I am making the effort necessary to have those things. It was a fascinating exercise in self-analysis…and apparently, when it comes to my life, I am a bargain shopper.

If only that were true of my shopping habits.


decide Look up decide at
c.1380, from O.Fr. decider, from L. decidere “to decide,” lit. “to cut off,” from de- “off” + cædere “to cut” (see cement). Sense is of resolving difficulties “at a stroke.” Originally “to settle a dispute;” meaning “to make up one’s mind” is attested from 1830. Decided in the adj. sense of “resolute” is from 1790.

I think it’s interesting that one of the Latin roots of the word decide is the same root as part of homicide and suicide; cædere “to cut”.

That’s how I’m feeling about my choices for grad school. It has come down to the university where I currently work (and where I did my undergrad) and a beautiful school in Nashville, TN. I thought I had made my decision. I had prayed about it and really felt the decision was up to me, so I thought I made it. I was set. I was moving to Nashville.

But something happened yesterday, and now everything is up in the air. It wasn’t anything major. I just got an email from someone currently in the program here, and the email made me think.

So, now I’m at a 50/50 split. I really don’t know what I’m going to do. Really. I still feel like, in terms of spiritual things, God is putting the decision completely in my hands (yes, I do pray about things occasionally). I know what I thought I wanted to do, but sometimes, when I think I know what I want to do, I fail to compare the way I should. Let the comparing begin.

cult of personality

So, I don’t talk about my job very much, but one of the benefits of working where I work is that I am surrounded by psychologists. Okay, maybe that’s both a cost and a benefit. Anyway, about two weeks ago, I decided to take this personality test. I’m not sure why I decided to do it, but I did. The key to this test, if you are going to do it properly, is to take it and have a professional go through the results with you…which is what I did.

The test gives you results in four different areas, each represented as a letter.

  1. Extroversion vs. Introversion
  2. Sensing vs. iNtuition
  3. Thinking vs. Feeling
  4. Judging vs. Perceiving

I am an ENTJ.

Frank, decisive, leaders in activities. Develop and implement comprehensive systems to solve organization problems. Good in anything that requires reasoning and intelligent talk, such as public speaking. Are usually well informed and enjoy adding to their fund of knowledge.

Well, don’t I sound fabulous?

In case you were wondering, the description for any of the sixteen types is very positive. No type is better or worse than the others, just different. What this really did for me was to solidify what I already basically knew about myself. And it really helped me to see why I interact with certain people the way I do, why I just don’t “get” some of the people out there, and why I am pretty much over my job and can’t wait to be done.

Some adjectives to describe me (this is fun and less positive):

  • challenging
  • controlled
  • critical
  • decisive
  • fair
  • logical
  • objective
  • planful
  • straightforward
  • strategic
  • theoretical
  • tough

My favorite part of the analysis? Suggestions for development:

  • May need to factor in the human element and appreciate others’ contribution. Translation: I’m self-centered and insensitive.
  • May need to check the practical , personal, and situational resources available before plunging ahead. Translation: My desire to move forward often outweighs my logic.
  • May need to take time to reflect and consider all sides before deciding. Translation: I’m impatient and rash, same as above.
  • May need to learn to identify and value feelings. Translation: I’m a b@#!*.

Don’t you want to be my friend?

Truthfully, I like who I am, in general. And, just as you would expect from someone self-centered, I think the way I am is a great way to be (except for when it comes to dating, where this particular type makes me a little bit of a crazy person, but that’s an entire post of its own).

I’m still learning a lot about how my personality interacts with others’ (the counselor who interpreted my results loaned me a great book), but so far I feel like it has helped me understand a lot about my interactions with others and the motivation behind why I do what I do.

And, in case you wanted to know, I highly recommend the test, if you ever have the opportunity to take it. You can click here for a basic overview of the test and types, if you’re curious. Can you guess what your type is?

dear you…brought to you by irritating people everywhere

Dear crappy drivers (of which there seems to be an abundance here in Utah),

I was going to write a letter about how you make my life miserable, but as I was driving to the airport last week, I realized that without you, driving would not be nearly as fun. Without you, I would never get to pass on the right, which I happen to find very enjoyable. Without you, driving would not be like playing Frogger, one of the best video games ever made. Without you, I would not be able to keep up with my siblings’ incredible driving abilities (Vegas and Phoenix give the greater Salt Lake area a run for its money).

Without you, my eyes would not be constantly scanning traffic for holes and alleys, making it so that I wouldn’t see cops as easily as I currently do. Sure, I might get places a little faster, but I’d probably have lots more tickets (and no people, a ticket is not an indication of bad driving, just breaking the law). Without you, I wouldn’t get the adrenaline rush that comes from speed combined with the fear of some idiot cutting me off when I’m in the left lane, which, incidentally, is known as “the passing lane” in California (where the majority of the country’s good drivers come from, in my humble, unbiased opinion) because you are supposed to use it to pass people. So, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you. I look forward to seeing you on the roads this afternoon as I head to the airport, yet again.


A girl who absolutely loves driving (it’s parking in the snow that sometimes presents problems)

Dear girls behind Sarah and me in line at the Mika concert,

I have so much I want to say, but since it’s obvious that your 18-year-old minds can only handle so much, I’ll just start with one concept (two words, but one concept…is that too confusing?): personal space. Once you have that one down, come back to me and we can discuss the next topic.


The girl who, thankfully, was not actually stuck next to you as she would not have been as polite as Sarah was

Dear take-out girl at Buffalo Wild Wings,

I’m not sure where to begin. There were so many things wrong with what happened on Saturday. So. Many. Things. First, you didn’t take the order down right, evidently. Then, even the parts you did get right, you didn’t check. Those two things could happen to anyone. I mean, it’s got to be pretty hard work manning the take-out counter on a relatively slow Saturday afternoon.

But then. Then. When I drove down to get the blue cheese dressing that you (yes, YOU) had forgotten to give us, that is when you really messed up. Have you ever heard the term “customer service”? Do you know what it means? If you have, you must have been having a really, really, really bad day. I could have dealt with a lot. I’ve worked in a service industry before. I know it’s not fun to deal with mistakes when people are upset (note: I wasn’t actually upset when I first went in). But when you rolled your eyes at me, that did it. And the best part is, I’m me, so I called you on it. I bet you weren’t expecting that one. I hope you think twice before being so rude next time.


A girl who is really quite understanding of mishaps and mistakes, just not eye rolling

Dear people who think your opinions should be everyone’s opinions,

Do you not get how annoying that is? When people stop talking to you mid-conversation, do you not understand that it’s because you aren’t listening to them and you don’t care about seeing any point of view but your own and they know that any more talking is just a waste of oxygen. When you sit and ask yourself why you have a hard time keeping friends, think about this…people probably don’t really like you. Who wants to be friends with someone who is so closed minded? I know you think you are being helpful, at times, but really, you’re more annoying than anything else. In fact, there are probably people who do things just to spite you. Yes. Spite.

And lest you think sharing this makes me like you, I assure you it does not. You can continue to be the way you have been. And if you want to argue with me about how your forcing of your opinions on others is actually a win-win, go for it. Of course, you will only be confirming everything I just wrote. It’s your call.


A very opinionated person who is happy to hear the opinions of others (it is possible)

Dear people who get angry about things over which you have zero control,

I’m sorry. It sucks. I have the same problem. And sometimes, it just feels good to get really angry…at least for a minute.

With pumping adrenaline and a racing heart,


Dear foolishly naive administrator dude,

I’m a pretty smart cookie, so when you started running numbers and thinking you were being so sly and that somehow you were going to be able to bill my department and the patients for the same service, did you really think that I wasn’t going to notice? I realize that you are pretty old and come from a generation where women were “silent secretaries” and you didn’t have to take us seriously, so let be the first to welcome you to the new millennium.

With regret concern for the PTSD my objection may have caused you,


Dear hinters,

We all know what you want, so just be straight forward about it because, guess what, if you sit by me while I’m eating and talk about how good my food smells, I’m not going to offer it to you. I will, however, respond to your hinting with such things as, “You know, it actually tastes even better than it smells!” or “You are right, it does smell fantastic!” Just ask for a bite. I’ll give you one.

And, if you want to tell a story, just say, “I have a story for you.” Or better yet, just tell the story. If you think dropping some kind of intended attention-grabbing sentence is going to get me to ask you about the story, you are sadly mistaken. In fact, the second I sense that is what’s happening, I’m going to ignore your attempts to get me to ask about it. In fact, I’ll probably change the subject. I’m going to force you to either be assertive or live dying to tell your story.

Hoping that you will understand the direct communication we just had, as it is not in your native tongue,


and again

I love that I have realized that my life really is a beautifully orchestrated series of events that align in such a way as to make the lowest lows bearable and the highest highs appreciated.

I heard from T today. I was denied. My number one choice for so long rejected me. But it wasn’t all that painful, surprisingly (and being rejected from a graduate program would never make my “lowest lows” list). First of all, it simplified my decision. Fewer choices, less fear and risk of choosing the “wrong” one (I really don’t think any of the schools I applied to would be “wrong”). But more than that, the interview at V made me realize that a) I probably wouldn’t get into T, as my interview was probably even worse than I had first thought and b) I actually like V just a little better. So, it’s not as highly ranked. I still like it better, for various reasons.

And that is why it was so perfect that I heard from T today, after V, after B. I love that my life works this way. Maybe every life could be like this, if people chose to hear the beauty of the dissonant chords.