dear you…brought to you by irritating people everywhere

Dear crappy drivers (of which there seems to be an abundance here in Utah),

I was going to write a letter about how you make my life miserable, but as I was driving to the airport last week, I realized that without you, driving would not be nearly as fun. Without you, I would never get to pass on the right, which I happen to find very enjoyable. Without you, driving would not be like playing Frogger, one of the best video games ever made. Without you, I would not be able to keep up with my siblings’ incredible driving abilities (Vegas and Phoenix give the greater Salt Lake area a run for its money).

Without you, my eyes would not be constantly scanning traffic for holes and alleys, making it so that I wouldn’t see cops as easily as I currently do. Sure, I might get places a little faster, but I’d probably have lots more tickets (and no people, a ticket is not an indication of bad driving, just breaking the law). Without you, I wouldn’t get the adrenaline rush that comes from speed combined with the fear of some idiot cutting me off when I’m in the left lane, which, incidentally, is known as “the passing lane” in California (where the majority of the country’s good drivers come from, in my humble, unbiased opinion) because you are supposed to use it to pass people. So, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you. I look forward to seeing you on the roads this afternoon as I head to the airport, yet again.

Sincerely,

A girl who absolutely loves driving (it’s parking in the snow that sometimes presents problems)

Dear girls behind Sarah and me in line at the Mika concert,

I have so much I want to say, but since it’s obvious that your 18-year-old minds can only handle so much, I’ll just start with one concept (two words, but one concept…is that too confusing?): personal space. Once you have that one down, come back to me and we can discuss the next topic.

Sincerely,

The girl who, thankfully, was not actually stuck next to you as she would not have been as polite as Sarah was

Dear take-out girl at Buffalo Wild Wings,

I’m not sure where to begin. There were so many things wrong with what happened on Saturday. So. Many. Things. First, you didn’t take the order down right, evidently. Then, even the parts you did get right, you didn’t check. Those two things could happen to anyone. I mean, it’s got to be pretty hard work manning the take-out counter on a relatively slow Saturday afternoon.

But then. Then. When I drove down to get the blue cheese dressing that you (yes, YOU) had forgotten to give us, that is when you really messed up. Have you ever heard the term “customer service”? Do you know what it means? If you have, you must have been having a really, really, really bad day. I could have dealt with a lot. I’ve worked in a service industry before. I know it’s not fun to deal with mistakes when people are upset (note: I wasn’t actually upset when I first went in). But when you rolled your eyes at me, that did it. And the best part is, I’m me, so I called you on it. I bet you weren’t expecting that one. I hope you think twice before being so rude next time.

Sincerely,

A girl who is really quite understanding of mishaps and mistakes, just not eye rolling

Dear people who think your opinions should be everyone’s opinions,

Do you not get how annoying that is? When people stop talking to you mid-conversation, do you not understand that it’s because you aren’t listening to them and you don’t care about seeing any point of view but your own and they know that any more talking is just a waste of oxygen. When you sit and ask yourself why you have a hard time keeping friends, think about this…people probably don’t really like you. Who wants to be friends with someone who is so closed minded? I know you think you are being helpful, at times, but really, you’re more annoying than anything else. In fact, there are probably people who do things just to spite you. Yes. Spite.

And lest you think sharing this makes me like you, I assure you it does not. You can continue to be the way you have been. And if you want to argue with me about how your forcing of your opinions on others is actually a win-win, go for it. Of course, you will only be confirming everything I just wrote. It’s your call.

Sincerely,

A very opinionated person who is happy to hear the opinions of others (it is possible)

Dear people who get angry about things over which you have zero control,

I’m sorry. It sucks. I have the same problem. And sometimes, it just feels good to get really angry…at least for a minute.

With pumping adrenaline and a racing heart,

Chloe

Dear foolishly naive administrator dude,

I’m a pretty smart cookie, so when you started running numbers and thinking you were being so sly and that somehow you were going to be able to bill my department and the patients for the same service, did you really think that I wasn’t going to notice? I realize that you are pretty old and come from a generation where women were “silent secretaries” and you didn’t have to take us seriously, so let be the first to welcome you to the new millennium.

With regret concern for the PTSD my objection may have caused you,

Chloe

Dear hinters,

We all know what you want, so just be straight forward about it because, guess what, if you sit by me while I’m eating and talk about how good my food smells, I’m not going to offer it to you. I will, however, respond to your hinting with such things as, “You know, it actually tastes even better than it smells!” or “You are right, it does smell fantastic!” Just ask for a bite. I’ll give you one.

And, if you want to tell a story, just say, “I have a story for you.” Or better yet, just tell the story. If you think dropping some kind of intended attention-grabbing sentence is going to get me to ask you about the story, you are sadly mistaken. In fact, the second I sense that is what’s happening, I’m going to ignore your attempts to get me to ask about it. In fact, I’ll probably change the subject. I’m going to force you to either be assertive or live dying to tell your story.

Hoping that you will understand the direct communication we just had, as it is not in your native tongue,

Chloe

14 thoughts on “dear you…brought to you by irritating people everywhere

  1. Kory and Terri, those are both totally annoying things! And I forgot about slowing down to change lanes. Alison – I love you, too. Next time I’m in New York, we must go out (platonic, of course…I like men ;-).Marti – Link away.I’m loving the new visitors and all of the comments! Loving!

  2. Well, do I EVER understand your letter to the Buffalo Wings joint. I went crazy (or should I say “loco?”) on the lady at the Cafe Rio counter. Because she rolled her eyes at me. I snapped. It wasn’t pretty.

  3. Dear Chloe,I love you!Sincerely,The Girl in NYC Who Wonders if Claiming Love to Someone She Doesn’t Know Makes Her Creepy, but Doesn’t Care Because These Posts Crack Her Up

  4. This was a great laugh and really these dear you posts are what got me reading your blog in the first place! Keep them coming 🙂

  5. Love the “dear you” posts! Hey, you are right about CA drivers. They are good out of sheer necessity. It’s a survival skill over here! I go a little insane when I travel and find people doing things like coming to a halt at a freeway entrance to wait until all the cars go by (I think that one happened in Colorado).

  6. These are my favorite posts to read-they always make me laugh! I’m going to link you on my blog-you always have interesting things to read on here. Hope that’s okay…

  7. you forgot to thank the Utah drivers for hitting their breaks every time there is a curve in the freeway because you couldn’t possibly take that curve going 60 miles per hour. (take note anytime there is an unexplainable slow down in traffic, it’s due to a curve in the freeway)

  8. thanks for the laughs…loving the dear you letters. Sometimes it just feels good to write it down and thanks for the permission to be angry.

  9. I love the “dear you” post. So much fun to read!! Hope you have a wonderful weekend!!! I am looking forward to getting the scoop any way I can:) Good luck on the interview too!

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