Category Archives: blessings

scene of the moment

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10

I’m stealing the title (and idea) from Mike.

Natalie (one of my secretaries): This phone call is for you.
Me (on the phone with Sarah): I know. It’s Julie. Can you tell her I’ll call her back?
Natalie: I already did that. Do you want me to tell the person from M to call you back, too?
Me: (to Natalie) What? No.
(to Sarah) I’ll call you back.
(to Mr. M) This is Chloe.
Mr. M: This is S (yes, we’re on a first name basis). How are you? I have Mr. B in the office with me. He’s the VP of Finance and we just had a few things we’d like you to do for us. K, do you remember her from the presentation?
Me: Yes.
Mr. M: Well, she would like to get this information out there, you know, in Business Week, Forbes, etc. But before she can, there are some numbers we need to tighten up. Mr. B is here to ask you some questions.
Mr. B: Hi Chloe. Can you hear me?
Me: Yes.
Mr. B: Well, I’ve had a chance to really look at your report and I have some questions. Do you think you can help me out with that?
Me: Of course.

What followed was a ten minute conversation (yes, I’m taking it off of my time clock) about things that they would like us to do before they can make our findings public. And then he gave me his phone number and told me that I was welcome to call any time if there is anything he can help me with.

Crazy! My life is crazy! I cannot believe what an amazing opportunity this has been and continues to be.

So, it looks like this semester, I will really be taking six credits, instead of three. I will be running one marathon. I will be losing 20 more lbs (I’m giving myself 3 months…I think that’s realistic). I will be applying to nine MBA programs (yes, I am crazy, but I also want to cover my bases).

Overwhelmed. That’s the emotion I’m feeling. Maybe I’ll finish reading Eclipse sometime next year. You know, when I’m taking statistics and visiting any of the schools that accept me so I can make an informed decision (of course, if I only get into one, that may not be very time consuming).

18 miles…with the end in sight

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8

Due to the aforementioned GMAT, my long run was postponed until Monday. Sad that I literally changed a trip to California in order to take the GMAT during a long weekend so that I wouldn’t miss my long run. I should be committed…not I am committed (which I am), but I should be committed.

Anyway, I went to bed relatively early Sunday night, so I thought I would be good to go Monday morning, but I was wrong. First of all, I set my alarm too early. Remember the last time I ran super early in the morning, before it started to get light? Well, I felt no need to relive that experience, so when I saw, at 5:30, that it was still pitch black outside, I hit snooze. I’m amazed at the effect the snooze button has on my mind. As soon as I allow myself to think, “Hmm, maybe I don’t have to get up right now,” my mind decides to take that thought and run with it. During the hour and a half I spent lying in my bed, hitting the snooze button every eight minutes, I thought of every reason I didn’t need to get up and spend 3.5 hours on my feet, running.

I was tired. My head hurt. I had eaten way too much crap on Sunday…and Saturday…and Friday for that matter. I had a mild case of heartburn (one more reason to eat healthy food). My little brother and his family were in town and I could spend more time with them. I haven’t slept in for over 4 months, unless 8:00 on Sunday counts. With as late as it was getting, it was sure to be hot by the time I was done. What on earth made me think running a marathon was a good idea? No one would think I was a bad person for not choosing to run 18 miles.

But then this little voice, the voice that has seen me through every tough decision I’ve ever made, the voice that drives me to keep going even when I’m sure I’m going to fail, started to whisper, “You can do this. You want to do this. You live for these runs.” And then the whisper got louder, “When have you ever let a little headache stop you. Think about how you will feel this afternoon if you don’t run. Think of how amazing you will feel after you have. Remember when you were at the park last night and you were telling Justin and Cherity that, in the morning, you would be running from two miles further up the canyon all the way down to Utah lake and Justin said that he wouldn’t even drive that far to meet someone for lunch? Remember how good it felt when you thought about the fact that your body can run that far?”

Pretty soon it got loud enough to be really irritating, “You are not a quitter. You are a runner. You are a doer. You are not lazy. You feel bad about all of the crap you’ve eaten, but think of how much worse you will feel if you don’t run. If you get up now, you’ll be done before 12. It won’t be that hot and the last few miles are pretty well shaded. Get up, eat a little something, take a couple of Ibuprofen and get on with it already. You know you are going to do this, so why are you putting it off? It’s only going to make it worse.”

My mind beat my matter. As it always does. I often laugh after conversations such as these because they are truly an exercise in futility. My matter rarely ever wins and, frankly, arguing with my mind is pretty exhausting, especially because it totally prohibits any kind of rest that might otherwise be enjoyed. But, being the stubborn mule that I sometimes can be, I often try the arguments out, just to make sure I’m not losing my debating skills.

So, after much discussion (in my head…yes, I’ve already told you, I’m slightly crazy) I got out of bed, ate half a Cliff Bar, took two Ibuprofen, got dressed, gathered up my gear and I was off. I headed up the canyon and started to feel more and more excited about the prospect of having run (yes, being done with) 18 miles. While the running was a little painful at first (I really did eat a ton of crap all weekend long…something that often happens when my siblings are in town…only because I think it’s an excuse), the scenery was amazing. There was a whole little family of deer at the end of the road where I begin my run. The trees have already started to turn and the colors were absolutely gorgeous. My lack of desire to run was superseded by the sheer beauty of what I was seeing.

I know this isn’t the greatest pic, but all I had was the camera phone.

And then the endorphins started to kick in. Not like a runner’s high, but just a mild euphoria…less from running than from thinking about how blessed I am to be able to run in such a beautiful place, to be able to run at all. I thought about Anne and her knee pain and how lucky I have been when it comes to my lack of injury. It was one of those perfect moments. I would have been so sad to miss it. And then I spent the next three hours formulating essays in my head…you know, for all of my grad school applications. I thought about living in all of these different places. I thought about new opportunities. I thought, and thought, and thought some more. As one who thoroughly enjoys daydreaming, running is an ideal forum. I get to think to my heart’s content without feeling that I should really be doing something else.

I finally made a new playlist and that was quite enjoyable. I took the run a little slower and only took a walking break every other time a slow song rolled around. My pace was nice and steady. I did have a cramp in my left arch from mile 8 on, but it wasn’t really painful, just a bit uncomfortable. When you’re running for that long, your feet are bound to get a little upset. I drank less that usual, having discovered during last weekend’s half-marathon that there is such a thing as too much water. I ate fewer blocks, having eaten half a Cliff Bar pre-run. I feel like I got some good fine tuning done.

One of my favorite parts of the run was this biker. Apparently he had seen me when he was heading up the canyon, and then he passed me on his way down and he turned to look at me and stuck his fist in the air. You can picture it; a kind of “you go girl” air-punch. I saw biker dude about a mile later again. He was off to the side of the trail chatting up some other biker. As I ran past, I could see he was trying to talk to me. I pulled a headphone out of one ear to listen to hear him say, “Wow, I cannot believe how far you have run. That was you I saw up near South Fork, right? I am impressed.” That one comment got me through the next ten miles. It’s amazing how a few simple words of praise can do so much.

The last few miles were hard. I was exhausted. It was hot. I forgot to put on sunblock. My water was warm. I just wanted to be done…and then, finally, I saw 18.00 miles and I was done. How I’m going to manage to run 26.2 miles, I still haven’t figured out…but I know I’ll do it, because that’s who I am, that’s how I’m wired.

Playlist:

  1. Freedom 90 6:30 George Michael
  2. Mr. Brightside 3:41 The Killers
  3. Glamorous (Feat. Ludacris) 4:06 Fergie
  4. Witch In The Ditch 3:44 Erasure
  5. what about us 3:57 Brandy
  6. Colors 2:41 Amos Lee
  7. Simply Being Loved 4:21 BT
  8. Dance Dance 5:02 Fall Out Boy
  9. Get Over It 3:16 ok go
  10. Gotta Go My Own Way 3:44 High School Musical 2
  11. Failsafe 2:39 The New Pornographers
  12. Baby Hold On 5:04 Way Dixie Chicks
  13. Senorita 4:34 Justin Timberlake
  14. Porcelain 3:58 Moby
  15. SexyBack 4:02 Justin Timberlake
  16. Hysteria 3:47 Muse
  17. Summer Love 4:15 Justin Timberlake
  18. No One Is to Blame 3:59 Emile Millar
  19. Hot ‘n’ Cold Pussycat 4:11 Basement Jaxx vs.
  20. Sunday Bloody Sunday 4:40 U2
  21. Glamorous (Feat. Ludacris) 4:06 Fergie
  22. Irreplaceable 3:47 Beyoncé
  23. Summer Love 4:15 Justin Timberlake
  24. Breathe Me 4:35 Sia
  25. Clothes Off 3:55 Gym Class Heroes
  26. Workout Plan 2:52 Kanye West
  27. Standing Outside A Broken Phone Boo… 5:39 Primitive Radio Gods
  28. How We Operate 5:28 Gomez
  29. Changes 4:29 Tupac Shakur
  30. Lost In This Moment 3:37 Big & Rich
  31. beautiful love 4:09 The Afters
  32. Senorita 4:34 Justin Timberlake
  33. Gotta Go My Own Way 3:44 High School Musical 2
  34. Chicago 6:12 Sufjan Stevens
  35. Adventures in Solitude 4:18 The New Pornographers
  36. Waiting in Vain 5:40 Annie Lennox
  37. Failsafe 2:39 The New Pornographers
  38. Give It to Me 3:32 Timbaland featuring
  39. Faster Kill Pussycat 3:14 Oakenfold
  40. No Apagues la Luz 3:49 Enrique Iglesias
  41. Open Your Heart 4:13 Madonna
  42. On My Mind 4:10 Kalai
  43. Under Pressure 4:03 Queen & David Bowie
  44. When You Were a Starlight 4:11 Team9 vs. The Killers
  45. Forever 3:51 Live
  46. Glamorous (Feat. Ludacris) 4:06 Fergie
  47. Senorita 4:34 Justin Timberlake
  48. Fields of Gold 3:33 Sting & Edin Karamazov
  49. i didnt steal your boyfriend 3:04 ashlee simpson
  50. The Call 3:26 Backstreet Boys
  51. I Still Remember 4:23 Bloc Party
  52. My Console 4:17 Eiffel 65
  53. Video 4:15 India Arie
  54. Time 4:08 Chantal Kreviazuk

P.S. I’ve discovered that I would rather listen to a song that I’m “in the mood for” three times, than put on a different one, that I’m not loving as much, just for variety. I’m the girl who can listen to the same song 500 times in a row and not get sick of it.

16 miles

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18

Oh, where to begin? Let’s start with the poor preparation. As I mentioned in the last post, running didn’t seem to make it on to the schedule this week. Not once. So, I was a little concerned about my long run. Do you remember what happened the last time no midweek running happened? And that was only a seven mile long run (which, incidentally, was what I thought my midweek run would have been on Wednesday)? No? Let me refresh your memory. It was awful. I thought I was going to die and that was only seven miles.

In an attempt to make this long run as painless as possible, I first decided that this had to be a one way run, so I called my dad Friday (I was worried I would get home after he was already in bed) and asked him if he would pick me up at the end of my run and take me back to my car. He said, “Of course” and then I told him I’d call when I got to the end and tell him where I was on the trail. I figured I’d be starting about 6:30, so I told him I should be done by, or before 9:30.

Then, I made sure to be as prepared as possible before I went to bed. I got home early Friday night, after a fabulous HSM2 party. I planned to leave really early to avoid any possible heat issues. Then, when I got home Friday night, I discovered, as I laid out my running garb (clothes, energy stuff, fuel belt, etc.), filled my water bottles and put them in the freezer (thanks for the tip, Holly) I discovered that my socks, the ones I know work on long runs, were dirty. So sad. I put them in the washer (with a full load…I’m no water waster) and then headed to bed, deciding, since I had to dry the socks, I would get up at the same time, and just start my run a little later. Yes, that’s how I feel about my socks. It’s 16 miles. I’m not going to risk blisters with socks I don’t know.

The nice thing about having a little extra time for the sock drying was that I remembered to eat. I have discovered that Power Bars and Cliff Bars are really the only thing I can eat before a long run. I ate my Vanilla Crisp Power Bar, greased my body (remembering last week’s painful underarm chafe-age), put the running clothes on (sans socks and shoes), pulled my hair up, I pulled my water bottles out of the freezer (thanks for the tip, Holly) and then I finally noticed the faint sound of drops on the roof, rain drops. That’s right. No wonder it looked so dark. I knew, when I began this training, that inclement weather was likely to happen for at least one long run and so, I had already decided that it was not going to stop me.

I donned my nice warms socks and shoes, grabbed my stuff and headed out. I headed up the canyon. While the rain at my house had slowed to a drizzle, such was not the case up South Fork. It was raining. Hard. I had made this decision months earlier, so it was not a question that I would be getting out of my car and running. It actually felt fantastic to be out in the rain. I haven’t run in the rain in ages, at least not in a downpour. I was loving it. And then it slowed.

The rest of my run passed about as expected. It was long and hard. And by the end, I thought I might not make it. I hit 14.5 miles and I had this thought…”I’m almost there”. Well, the problem with thoughts is that your body often communicates them to your body and “almost” in my head and “almost” in my body are two very different things. It took everything in me to keep going. And, at this point, walking, which I needed to do on occasion for my heart, was probably the worst thing for my poor knees. It gave my body time to realize just how much pain it was in, and it did not want to cooperate. Somehow, I kept going.

I also decided at the 14.5 mile mark, that I would do the last 1.5 miles as an out and back, because I had just passed an intersection I knew and it would be easy to tell my dad where to pick me up. When I hit the turn around point, I couldn’t do it. I knew my body would quit. At that same moment, there was a slight break in my music, and I heard my phone ringing. I was almost there. .75 miles to go. There would be no phone answering. I kept pushing and pushing. I had to finish this damn run (sorry about the expletive…but that’s what I was really thinking).

Finally, it was over. I had conquered my 16 mile Goliath. I called my dad. He was already out and about…looking for me? It was after I got off the phone that I listened to my message. I should have saved it so that I could write it down word for word. Basically, it went something like this, “Chloe, this is Dad. Just wondering where you’re at. You didn’t answer your phone (really, is that why you’re leaving me a message?). I hope you’re not dead on the trail somewhere. I’m going to head out and start looking for you.”

And that was the highlight of my run. I was laughing so hard. I know it’s probably not that funny to you, but it was just what I needed. I told him I’d be done around 9:30, so when it was 10:00 and he hadn’t heard from me, he started to worry. He called me three times. I seriously adore my dad. I got the same feeling I had when he called and woke me up at 3:45 am last Monday because he hadn’t seen my car. I don’t think he worried as much about me when I was a teenager. It’s really quite cute.

Anyway, today my body is definitely sore. Part of it, I’m sure, is that I didn’t stretch after. I know, it’s horrible, but when I called my dad, I still had about .4 miles to go to get to where he could pick me up and I was moving at snail’s pace. I think an old lady with a walker could have out paced me. Seriously. And all I kept thinking, once I stopped laughing after listening to the message, was, “Wow…and my body is supposed to go 10.2 miles farther than this. Huh.”

My playlist, once again, was the same, with the exception of slow songs. Although, after this run, I’m ready for a change, so look for a new playlist next week.

And here’s a great post someone else wrote. Check it out.

feeling in the air

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6

This trip to D.C. was something that I had been looking forward to for a long time for several reasons. Not the least of which was meeting Anne. But something happened to me when I got off the plane in Virginia and walked outside to wait for the shuttle to the hotel.

I was standing on the curb with some time to just think. It occurred to me that my only memories of this city were thick with the boy. It was just over a year ago that I had been there for the first time, on my journey away from him. I remembered wishing that I’d had him there to share it with me. I remembered all of the time I spent on the phone with him as I walked around the monuments and museums. It’s funny how little things can effect you in such unexpected ways. I hadn’t really thought about how I would feel being back in D.C.

My thoughts then wandered (yes, I was on the curb for a while…the shuttle comes every 15 minutes and apparently I had missed it by seconds) to a list of questions. These unknowns began spinning in my head; can I really spend three more years in P-town above Nev’s garage? am I really prepared to never get married if it never happens? what if I don’t ever get to have children of my own? how will I ever afford grad school if I go somewhere besides this school? how did I, the girl who’s not even in the MBA program, end up here, on a fully paid-for trip to make a presentation to the CEO and executive committee of this company? Yes, it is exhausting having my brain. It never stops.

Most people would face these questions with some anxiety and much apprehension, but on this beautiful, breezy night, those were not the feelings such questions procured. I began to feel this overwhelming sense of peace. I thought about where I was a year ago versus where I am today. I thought about all of the things I have faced in the last year that I would have never thought myself strong enough to do/endure/survive. And then I thought about my future. I thought about all of the possibilities ahead of me. I thought about all of my options. And I began to feel an amazing sense of gratitude and hope.

There was something in the air (and no, it wasn’t the exhaust from all of the buses, shuttles, cars and cabs). Something that just calmed me down. It was this feeling that my life, right at that moment, was exactly as it should be. I’ve experienced this feeling on several different occasions, but there was something so amazing about such a feeling when I feel like there are so many unknowns in my life at the moment. It was one of those moments that you wish will never end. I could have stood on that curb for hours just to keeping feeling that feeling. It’s those moments, those small, unexpected, absolutely delicious moments, the ones you wish you could drink, that make life wonderful.

I knew it was going to be a great weekend…and I was right.

my own private reality

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6

It’s really late and I should really be getting to bed…but you know when you just have so many thoughts roaming free in your head and until you can get them corralled, it’s fruitless to try and sleep. Well, maybe you don’t suffer from my malady, but that’s how I’m feeling right now.

Today was what I would call a perfect day. It was Richard’s birthday and we had a fantastic party. Admittedly, I was exhausted most of the day, after the adventures of last night, which included dropping the card off, baking cupcakes, and burning a mix cd for Richard. But it was perfect. And not just because the evening plans went off without a single hitch.

I love my little group of friends. I love that some of us have known each other for years and some for only months, but I am equally comfortable with everyone. I get to be myself and I know that it’s okay. I’m not trying to impress anyone. I can openly say, “you all know that the filter between my brain and my mouth is rarely functioning properly,” and they just laugh because they know it’s true, but they still love me.

I’m sure you can all think of those times in your life when you have just been happy. And not just situationaly content, but really, truly, genuinely happy. The kind of happy that doesn’t go away even when you’re having a bad day. The happy that lives deep inside of you.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been this happy. It’s a great feeling. And I love that I have lived enough life to be able to recognize this while it is going on, instead of after it passes. It feels like this:

And here’s the playlist from the cd, in case anyone wants it. It’s a little eclectic, just like me.
1. Bubbly 2:59 Colbie Caillat
2. I Still Remember 4:23 Bloc Party
3. Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone) 4:28 Chris Tomlin
4. Lay Lady Lay 4:37 Magnet
5. Fields of Gold 3:33 Sting & Edin Karamazov
6. Tennessee 3:33 Mindy Smith
7. Makes Me Wonder 3:31 Maroon 5
8. In Reverence 4:06 David Tolk
9. The First Cut Is The Deepest 3:02 Cat Stevens
10. Lullaby (With Ladysmith Black Mamba… 2:32 Josh Groban
11. Hysteria 3:47 Muse
12. A Girl Like You 2:18 Pete Yorn
13. Songs That Say Goodbye 3:53 Schuyler Fisk
14. Time After Time 3:04 Quietdrive
15. Slow Dancing In a Burning Room 3:52 John Mayer
16. Gentleman Who Fell 4:39 Milla
17. goodnight song 3:11 Tammany Hall
18. Goodbye Goodguy 2:51 Frente!
19. Over and Over Again (Lost and Found) 3:09 Clap Your Hands
20. Not Ready To Make Nice 3:58 Dixie Chicks