This trip to D.C. was something that I had been looking forward to for a long time for several reasons. Not the least of which was meeting Anne. But something happened to me when I got off the plane in Virginia and walked outside to wait for the shuttle to the hotel.
I was standing on the curb with some time to just think. It occurred to me that my only memories of this city were thick with the boy. It was just over a year ago that I had been there for the first time, on my journey away from him. I remembered wishing that I’d had him there to share it with me. I remembered all of the time I spent on the phone with him as I walked around the monuments and museums. It’s funny how little things can effect you in such unexpected ways. I hadn’t really thought about how I would feel being back in D.C.
My thoughts then wandered (yes, I was on the curb for a while…the shuttle comes every 15 minutes and apparently I had missed it by seconds) to a list of questions. These unknowns began spinning in my head; can I really spend three more years in P-town above Nev’s garage? am I really prepared to never get married if it never happens? what if I don’t ever get to have children of my own? how will I ever afford grad school if I go somewhere besides this school? how did I, the girl who’s not even in the MBA program, end up here, on a fully paid-for trip to make a presentation to the CEO and executive committee of this company? Yes, it is exhausting having my brain. It never stops.
Most people would face these questions with some anxiety and much apprehension, but on this beautiful, breezy night, those were not the feelings such questions procured. I began to feel this overwhelming sense of peace. I thought about where I was a year ago versus where I am today. I thought about all of the things I have faced in the last year that I would have never thought myself strong enough to do/endure/survive. And then I thought about my future. I thought about all of the possibilities ahead of me. I thought about all of my options. And I began to feel an amazing sense of gratitude and hope.
There was something in the air (and no, it wasn’t the exhaust from all of the buses, shuttles, cars and cabs). Something that just calmed me down. It was this feeling that my life, right at that moment, was exactly as it should be. I’ve experienced this feeling on several different occasions, but there was something so amazing about such a feeling when I feel like there are so many unknowns in my life at the moment. It was one of those moments that you wish will never end. I could have stood on that curb for hours just to keeping feeling that feeling. It’s those moments, those small, unexpected, absolutely delicious moments, the ones you wish you could drink, that make life wonderful.
I knew it was going to be a great weekend…and I was right.
i am really, really proud of you Chloe. You are learning all kinds of amazing things that i swear are easier to learn when we are on our own. if your sister missionary self could see you know i think she’d be really stoked to see what you’ve done with her life.
I loved this post! You have an amazing attitude and mind!
Thanks for the post, you are wonderful! I am so glad you had a good time in DC. I am sure we will chat on Thurs.
Those moments are rare I think. It is great that you had one when, like you said, there are so many things that could be causing anxiety but aren’t. I had some rough things go on this past year too, and during the year I had one specific experience like yours (peace in the midst of chaos) and I treasure that moment so much!
What a gorgeous post. . . you can always take up writing full-time if you can’t afford an MBA 🙂
I love those moments- where the feeling is almost tangible. Glad your weekend offered more than you were expecting 🙂