new adventures

I have this sense, already, that when the next two years are over, I’m going to be very, very sad. I know that’s weird, considering I have just met these people. I just think that this is going to equal my mission in the best choices I have ever made.

I think about where I was two years ago. I had just called off my wedding. I was days away from cutting Jared off permanently, and I had no idea what my future would hold. I had hopes and dreams, but they seemed so out there. And now, here I am. In a great MBA program, already having made quite a few new friends. Not only that, but I feel like people in the program (faculty, that is) already know me and like me.

I may be totally delusional, but I kind of feel like some kind of celebrity in the program. Now, I realize that this is not going to get me jobs (I have a long way to go with the interviewing skills), but I feel like it’s going to make my experience so great. And I think it has given me the sense that I have something to live up to. Does that make sense? Like these people have such high expectations when it comes to what I’m going to do, and I don’t want to disappoint them. Not only that, but I don’t want to disappoint myself.

I have the chance to redeem myself for my undergrad. I know I’m smart, I just need to prove to myself that I’m not lazy. I know it’s weird that, after getting into such a stellar program and being given a full-tuition scholarship, I could even consider myself lazy, but some labels are hard to remove, even if I’m the only one letting it stay.

i hate boys

Okay, not really. I actually like them a lot. I just hate when they get stuck in my head. I can’t stop thinking about this one in particular and I hope that he’s thinking about me, but I’m pretty sure he isn’t (because they never are).

Anyway, lots more to say, but I’m exhausted and I want to get up early-ish tomorrow.

dear you…inspired by my first week back at school

Dear feet,

I know that I have treated you well over the years, ever since Shelley made us get that first pedicure when I was 14, but it’s over. I mean, I’m going to do my best, but I’m not nail tech. Don’t expect any great foot massages, or lavish soaks; the dead skin will get filed, and the toenails will get painted, but that’s all I can promise. I’m sorry to do this to you. Really and truly. You have no idea how painful it is to really not be able to afford a pedicure.

Love,

The girl who promises that, provided she gets a paid internship next summer, you will get at least one pedicure next year

Dear boys who don’t wear their wedding rings,

You really bug me. I mean, you belong to someone. Don’t you want people to know that. I’m sure your wives would like people to know that as your out and about having a grand ol’ time while they are at home, alone, raising your children.

Don’t get the wrong idea. I’m not “checking you out”. Dating someone in the program would be a bad idea, but really, just where your ring. Seriously.

Sincerely,

The girl who hopes that, should she ever get married, her husband would always want to wear his ring

Dear iPhone,

You are my new best friend. You are amazing. All of the applications I’ve been able to download to make my life easier. My favorite of the week? The grocery list. Talk about being helpful in times of budgeting (okay, for someone who just learned what the word means). It was a little painful to realize how much some of my favorite things cost and that they aren’t in the budget right now, but playing with you took the sting off.

With much love and gratitude,

Chloe

Dear restaurants of Utah County,

I must bid you a fond farewell. I mean, I love you, really and truly, but the nasty b-word (budget) has informed me that you don’t get to be a part of my life for the next two years. This is a new thing for me. Neither me nor my sisters have figured out how to live without you, even though we can all cook.

Oh, and don’t be offended that you aren’t seeing Sarah, Candice, Emily, or Kelly either. I didn’t make them stop because I can’t go, they all just moved away and left me here by my lonesome. I promise to visit sometime (when my dad takes me out for my birthday).

With much sadness (but hope of being both less poor and less fat),

Chloe

Dear Igloo lunch box,

Thank you for being both cute and functional. While I don’t love that I will be making my own lunch these days, you are making it much less terrible. I’m excited to try you out tomorrow, even if I’m not so excited about eating a lunch that I made (it’s never as good as when someone else makes it).

Sincerely,

The girl who wants everyone to know that it’s my dad’s fault that I eat out so much, she swears

And on that note, it’s time for me to make my lunch so I’m all ready to go in the morning.

the continued dilemma

I’m still trying to figure out what to do: marketing or OB/HR? I know I don’t have to know tomorrow, but since when do I care about such things. I want to know yesterday. So I talked to someone in marketing at HP today. It was not the most uplifting conversation, but it was definitely helpful.

The bottom line is that I probably don’t have enough experience to get the type of marketing jobs I would want out of school. The I was talking to a girl in my class who has a background in the tech industry and she made the comment, “just knowing you the little I do, I think you’d be great in OB/HR”. As much as I appreciate that, it was a little discouraging if, in fact I do decide to do marketing.

Here are my big hangups with OB/HR. First of all it has a stigma. Now, that’s kind of a ridiculous reason to not do something, but it’s there. It exists. I must face that. Next, it’s not as “sexy” as marketing and I’d like to do something “sexy”. Third, I kind of feel like it’s not actually doing anything, just facilitating others to do things. And while facilitating is important, if these teams could just get their crap together then it’s possible that it would become obsolete.

And the pushes toward OB/HR. For one, I have no idea how long I will have a career in the traditional sense. The skills I will learn in OB/HR are totally transferable, whether I’m volunteering for a non-profit, holding a church calling, running the PTA (and I cannot believe I just said that), and even beyond this life. I don’t want to plan my life around what ifs, but I think it’s important to think about transferability.

Next is the fact that, with marketing, I can only see myself really passionate about a few types of products. Because OB/HR deals in people, I am less concerned about the types of products a company makes than I am about the culture of that company and how they view OB/HR. I think this will open many more doors to me in the future.

Third is my own experience and what I bring to the table. The fact of the matter is that I have almost no marketing experience. If we are talking about the traditional sense, then I really have none. I want to get a job, and I’d like it to be a good one. If going into OB/HR means that I can do that, while still doing something I enjoy, I think that’s an important piece to consider. Along those same lines is feeling confident about my abilities throughout the interview process and into the work itself. As much as I might like it to be otherwise, the bottom line is that I am confident in my abilities in OB/HR thus far.

Oh, another negative is that it is an area dominated by women. I was hoping to get away from that on some level. But whatever.

Anyway, I think that’s enough on that subject for now, other than the fact that I spoke with Alex Johnson today (it was a great chat about Cisco) and he mentioned that Megan Hundley, the Cisco rep that was at the OB/HR rafting trip, commented that I would be someone she would like to see interview with Cisco (or something to that effect). That made me feel really good, but I definitely don’t want to become overly confident in my abilities or my desirability.

So much to think about. So much to consider.

In other news, my team is doing well so far. It’s not the team I would have chosen AT ALL, but I think we’ll work well together. I do have some concerns about Wagner Dias in that I think he is one who has to get every thought he has out there and, frankly there’s just not time for that. Okay, I have more than one concern, but for now, I think focusing on how I can best contribute rather than my concerns about others is going to be the most beneficial way to go. Not only that, but I feel like it’s too early in the game to really freak out.

I think I’ve pretty well decided on OB/HR, but for some reason I don’t want that to be the answer. Is it because I’m stubborn, or because I’m overlooking something???

another reason i hate being fat

It’s interesting that I can hate something about myself so much, and yet do nothing to resolve the problem. Kind of like my finances.

Anyway, today we had a team building activity that included physical challenges. I pretty much hated it. Well, I liked the team building aspect, but all I can think about during any of those challenges is how, if I weren’t fat, I would enjoy this stuff so much more.

So why is it that I don’t do anything about it? It’s rhetorical. I don’t have the capacity to think about it right now.

Why not? Because I’m exhausted and stressed about what I’m going to do with the rest of my life, and I miss my friends a lot. I know it will get better and I will make new friends in the program, and I will do stuff with them, but right now, I’m just really lonely. The other girl in my group, Jenn Larson, is fabulous, but she’s married and into her own little life. Not that I expected her to be my instant friend, but I didn’t realize how sad I would be.

Add to that the fact that the people with whom I get along best in the program are the married men, and well…you can see how that would be a problem.

And then today, after our activity, we talked more about the information we give off through our actions. Wow. That was humbling. I have a lot to work on.

I cannot believe that I am not even a week into the program and I already feel totally overwhelmed. These are the moments when I really, really, really miss my mom.