random thoughts at 3 am

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Really, I have 25 posts floating in my head…but I don’t have time to fully develop any of them, so here are some random thoughts.

  1. I am pretty direct and sometimes I don’t think people know how to deal with it. I don’t believe in agreeing with someone just to be agreeable. I don’t believe in telling someone that something is “fine” if it isn’t. I don’t believe that I “have” to be friends with anyone. And I think if people are going to ask how I’m doing, they should actually want to know because I am actually going to tell them. What it boils down to is sincerity. I try to be sincere. And sometimes, I sincerely offend people.
  2. Writing essays for grad school makes me feel totally inadequate and relatively stupid…not something I’m used to. Yes, the truth is, I generally think I’m not just adequate, but quite accomplished, and I rarely feel stupid. Oh, back to number 1, I don’t believe in false modesty.
  3. I love meeting new people…in small groups. I love getting to know them. I love learning about them. And I love when I get to do this while eating delicious food at a restaurant I’ve never been to. That was my evening tonight. I went to The Dodo with Laralee, Dana, and Denise. The company and food were fantastic.
  4. I don’t love most things about snow, but there is one thing I do love. I love how, at night, the world is so quiet. I don’t know if you’ve ever had the chance to stand outside at night in the snow, but I love it. I could stand for hours just listening to the silence.
  5. While I understand the economics of a dollar movie, I cannot understand the disgustingness (yes, it’s not a word) of the dollar theater. So gross. The thing is, being economical (or poor enough that you can’t afford normal movies…which is about where I am these days) is no excuse for throwing your popcorn on the ground, or letting your children run around barefoot, or not flushing a toilet. And do they pay their employees way less, so they don’t expect them to wipe off counters, clean bathrooms, and sweep the theater. I just don’t understand.
  6. Sarah and I met Dan Keys last night. If you have no idea who that is, he is the lead singer of Young Love. I love YL and I love Dan Keys. Young Love was the opener for the opener for Say Anything. We pretty much just went to hear Young Love. We left right after they played, but not before heading to the merch table to say hi (and swoon just a little). I’m sorry, but he is just super sexy. And tall. And his voice makes me melt. Here are my two favorite songs (in acoustic form) off of their self-titled album.
  7. I talk a lot. Sometimes I feel like I totally monopolize conversations. And sometimes I know I’m doing it and just can’t seem to stop myself. Why is that? Why can’t I shut up?
  8. Sarah and I will be singing at Big Shot Karaoke on Thursday. This should be a good time.
  9. Sometimes, I worry about things over which I have no control. Well, maybe not worry, but I definitely think about them. A lot. And often. I wish I could stop doing that.
  10. I have really, really weird dreams when I take naps. I think that’s part of the reason I don’t really like taking naps. And often, those weird dreams involve scenarios that allow me to act out my deep seeded, almost subconscious, desires to tell someone off. They make me feel like a bad person.
  11. Even though, colloquially, it’s common to end a sentence with a preposition, I have a really hard time doing it, even when not doing it means that I sound super formal and kind of geeky.
  12. I should really go to bed because I really am tired. I just don’t want to. And do you know why I don’t want to? Because I don’t want to wash and moisturize my face or brush and floss my teeth or brush my retainer and put it in my mouth. (Yes, I still wear a retainer at 29…my dad paid good money for my teeth, I’m not about to let them move.) I hate getting ready for bed. Hate it. But I can’t sleep if I don’t do the full routine…except the retainer part. This is a struggle every night. How dumb is that?
  13. On Wednesday, I was supposed to take my French midterm. I didn’t feel ready, so I asked for extra time. Ask me how much I’ve studied? I bet you can guess.
  14. I love Christmas music. My favorite to listen to is David Lanz’s album, Christmas Eve. However, I also love singing Christmas music. I know it’s only October, but in preparation for the season, here’s my favorite David Lanz song, Angels We Have Heard on High, and here I am singing (along with 350 other people) The First Noel and Jesu, Joy of Man’s Desiring.
  15. Just about the only thing I miss about my undergrad experience…singing. There is nothing like singing in a huge choir, especially a capella . And it’s something that you can’t just throw together, you know, huge numbers of people who can sing in tune. I still sing, but it is not the same. I wish I could explain it. But, since I can’t, I’ll just share one more song with you. Since it’s Sunday, here’s one of my most favorite hymns, Where Can I Turn for Peace?
  16. Tomorrow (well, today) we are having a little friends’ dinner. Soup in bread bowls, salad and miniature pumpkin cheesecakes with cinnamon crusts. I’m so excited. ETA – in case anyone thinks I never mess up cooking, I totally over baked both the crust and the cheesecake. I’ll take some pictures so you can see what happens if you over bake cheesecake. It’s ugly. The good news is, neither event has ruined the taste (perhaps the texture is a little off, but not horrible).
  17. Okay…it’s time to get ready for bed. Oh the pain! It’s funny how easy it is to whine about getting ready for bed when there are so many people who don’t have the luxury of a) getting ready for bed or b) having a bed to sleep in. I hate that my mind works this way. I can never just feel sorry for myself and sometimes, I really want to.

joy!

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My cousin, Ali, got married today. His name is Blake. Isn’t he a fox? Isn’t she a babe? (When I’m around the Aunties, I regress to their vernacular). As I refuse to be one of those people (you know, the ones who get in the way pretending to be photographers when there are professionals there), I didn’t get very many shots. But here are a few.

Blake, the fox, and newest addition to the family. He’s actually Ali’s sister’s husband’s brother. Work it out. So, we all know that there children will be cute!
The beautiful bride! Seriously, my cousins are GORGEOUS!

Michelle (aka Shelly), the youngest sibling. She is so fun! And such a sass! Apparently, it runs in the family.

So, this was not the shot I was going for. I cropped it. But I think it is framed well, if only the bouquet were perfectly (or at all) in focus. It’s not, but you can see what could have been.

Ali and Drew, her younger brother and only boy. He is such a great kid! See what I mean. My cousins are “beautiful people”. And, the best part is, it is an “inside and out” beauty.

Her florist was amazing! The colors were absolutely stunning.

Anne and Tyler’s little girl, Ashley. This is what Ali and Blake’s children could look like. She is seriously adorable, but I think she was a little overwhelmed by all the people. It’s too bad I didn’t get a picture of the dress. It was darling.

So, this one isn’t from today, it’s from Ali’s shower two weeks ago, but it has to do with the wedding…and it shows the four sisters, Anne, Ali, Maddie and Shel. Could they be any cuter? I don’t think so!

I just loved the cake. Stunning and non-traditional. This is probably my favorite picture. So weird that it involves food.

My fantastic grandmother, the new hair, and my aunt Kristen (the Aunties are total babes)…it’s a little out of focus, but such is life. When you don’t have a “point-and-shoot”, it’s a little more difficult to have someone take a picture for you and have it turn out.

The mother of the bride, Kendall, and Kristen (aka the Aunties). They are the best of friends and both so fun and such hotties! I love having such a wonderful, fun, loving family. (This one is out of focus because the lighting was low and I couldn’t hold still enough).

The wedding was absolutely amazing. I cried. Not that it means anything. This was one of those perfect days. I love perfect days!

musical memory flashback

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Without music life would be a mistake.
~Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

I love music! I know I’ve shared this many, many times. Music packs so many emotions with it, and then you combine it with memories that correspond to different music phases in your life (at least in my life) and you have a very powerful combination. Certain songs can instantly transform my mood and transport me to a different place.

This weekend, as I was writing essays (pre-mental breakdown…which, by the way, is much better), I was listening to music, as I am wont to do at any given minute of any day. Rascal Flatts just came out with a new album and I happened to be listening to that. Yes, I am a music lover who likes it all, including country…and my snobby music friends still like me (yes…I just called you snobby). While, obviously the album is new and I am creating new memories with it, it is very similar to their first album (thank goodness…I did not love the last one).

While listening I had, what I call, a musical memory flashback. There are certain songs that I can guarantee will do that for me. This was a little different because it was new music, but Rascal Flatts’ first album was a favorite while I was involved with The Canadian and this new album brought back those memories.

I loved The Canadian. Even better than how I felt about him was how he made me feel about me. He was probably the kindest of all the boys (always boys…maybe when I’m 30 I’ll start calling them “men” or at least “guys”) with whom I have ever been involved. He made me feel like a Pulitzer Prize winning super model/goddess. So much kindness and love and respect.

For a while, after things ended between us and I had moved on to different, less kind boys, I somehow bought into this weird belief that the only reason The Canadian treated me so well and said such nice things to me was that I was a little out of his league, that being involved with someone in my league* meant I would feel “just good enough” all the time. Sometimes my head gets filled with crazy notions that take a while to dispel.

Back to Saturday…so I was listening to the new album, this song in particular, and I started to feel all of these happy feelings. I thought about this fling of sorts. I started to think about The Canadian and how he made me feel. I thought about how integral that relationship was in my life. It is the relationship by which I have determined (as of Saturday) to judge all others, in terms of kindness and respect. It is nice to have such wonderful memories fill my soul with just the sound of a song. It is nice to realize that I deserve to be with someone who makes me feel that good. And to realize that I always want the person I am with to feel as good as The Canadian made me feel. And all of that from a song. That is the power of music.


*I am not really a believer in “leagues”…I have decided to subscribe to the “comfort” theory. I think you should always feel “comfortable” with the person you are with. If you are out with the Significant Other and his/her friends, you should not feel above or below them, and if you bring the S.O. out with your friends, if you are constantly worried about how everyone will interact, that’s a bad sign, as well. You have chosen your friends for a reason…the S.O. should fit in with them. And that’s how I feel about that.

the sun threw the clouds

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No, I didn’t use the wrong verb in the title. Initially I wrote “through”, but then I started thinking about it. Have I ever mentioned how much I love words? Anyway, you all know that I am all about blogging, but I have been super stressed out this week. I basically had a mental breakdown that started on Sunday and lasted until…well, it’s still going. I think the essays triggered it, and then my impending 30th birthday added to it, and PMS exacerbated the emotions. It has not been a fun three days…for me or anyone who is in my immediate circle of influence.

Back to the title. I have been trying to be “grateful” in an effort to get out of this crazy funk. So, I have started to notice blessings and that has been like sun through the clouds. But then, as I was thinking about the words “through” and “threw”, I got this visual image of a happy sunshine – you know, like the Raisin Bran sunshine – taking out “Gus”…the name our family has so affectionately given the cloud that seems to hang over one of us (namely Erika) at any given time. It made me laugh, which I needed. And so, I changed the title.

And now, the real point of this post. Here are the blessings that have helped little rays of sunshine come through my clouds:

  1. I have an amazing family. The type of family that is always there for you. I can call up any one of my four siblings (or in some cases, a spouse) and I know that I will get the encouragement and sound advice I need. We were all taught by the same mother that “it always works out”, so when I lose sight of that, my siblings are there to remind me.
  2. I don’t worry about where I’m going to sleep, or where my next meal will come from, or whether I will be killed by rebel forces. I know that last one sounds random, but I started to do some work for a new NGO called Sowers of Hope and while discussing the goals of the organization, namely to provide funding to a school in Congo, I realized just how blessed I am.
  3. And, moving on to more shallow things…yes, I do realize that the fact that I can mention how grateful I am that I am not an orphan in Congo in one statement, and in the next one say what I’m about to say is a bit disturbing, but I am a bit disturbed…I have been blessed with fantastic hair (and a great stylist…thanks Laura). I got my hair colored and cut last night and it looks so great (I’ll post a picture once my camera battery is recharged). And let’s be honest, there’s nothing like a great haircut to make you smile.
  4. While the grad school application process is incredibly grueling and tedious, it has helped me to really examine what I want and why I’m doing this. It has also made me realize that, while I know that I would be a great MBA student, that it’s possible that not every school is going to think so. So, why am I grateful for that? Because I have now established two very good, very exciting backup plans. And backup plans are a very good thing.
  5. I have options. Lots and lots of options.
  6. I ran a marathon! Yes, I am going to milk that one for all it’s worth.
  7. I have very, very exciting birthday plans. Secret plans. Plans that will result in something being crossed off “The List”.
  8. I have amazing friends. Friends who are probably sick of me whining about my worries and woes, but who listen patiently. Blogging friends who I don’t “know” technically, but who are willing to read essays and correct them, just to be nice. Friends who offer to do anything to help, even if it’s just bringing me ice-cream.

  9. While my job is not exactly what I would call fulfilling, I get to work with some very fun, very kind, very sassy people, and that makes everyday enjoyable. And I have a fish name Stanley who shares my desk and makes me smile.
  10. I’m currently in a “drinking Diet Coke” phase, which also makes me happy.
  11. Despite all of the stress and craziness, I still have an amazing social life.
  12. At the end of the day, I have perspective. And perspective, like possession, is 9/10 of the law.

picture addiction

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So, I think the idea behind Wordless Wednesday is to just post one picture, so I did that last week. But here’s the thing. I love taking pictures. And I love taking pictures of my nieces and nephews. I posted one, but I took about 300 – I love digital. So, I feel the need to direct you to my sister-in-law’s blog where that are a few more pictures posted. And here are two more from my 24-hours in Vegas after the marathon.
The sad truth is that the shot of T in the air took about 20 shots. Trying to capture a kid, flying through the air, with a 50 mm lens (a lens meant for portraiture, not action shots) and no auto-focus…no simple task. But, with such a darling model, the practice is quite enjoyable. And I happen to love how my brother looks catching his little boy. He’s such a kid at heart!

And a few more…
*On a side note, I was talking to Justin and he asked me why, when I post about finishing a marathon, I get 20+ comments, but when I post pictures of his kid, I only get 4 or 5. Hmm, I wonder. Maybe something to do with FINISHING A MARATHON???