weekend adventures

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My weekend starts today…at 4:45 pm when I get off work. How fun is that? And I get to go home…well, not exactly. I’ll be little in the city (as we always call it), but close enough. I can’t wait. We all know how much I love California. I can taste Caspers already. I don’t know how I’m going to fit everything in (and by everything, I mean all of my favorite shopping and food stops), what with being my sister’s “slave” and attending this singles thing. I’m a little nervous about the latter, but I’m going to do my best to have a good time…in any case, I’m sure I will have some good stories, and I get to take a cruise on the bay, which I have never done before. I must admit I’m feeling some pressure, since I received an email from my sister telling me that she fully expected me to find my husband at this thing, which would be most inconvenient since I have sworn not to get married until I’m done with grad school. Although, I guess I could meet him. I don’t have to get married. Oh, the things that living in P-town is doing to my brain!

Wish me luck!

Oh, one more thing. I went shopping last night (you know, because I’m made of money and thought it would be a good idea…actually, I was stressed out and retail therapy is my family’s drug of choice when it comes to mental health, since it costs about the same as regualr therapy, but you get to come home with clothes/electronics/cosmetics/toys, rather than puffy eyes). I started at the GAP because I needed jeans (yes, needed). I had the a salesperson help me and grabbed a bunch of different styles in my size. I ended up getting a fabulous pair of long and lean jeans. The best part was when I put on the jeans the first time and came out to look in the big mirror, both of the employees standing there said, in unison, “You need a smaller size.” It was fabulous. So I grabbed the smaller size, tried them on and decided to go for it. I’m not sure how I’m feeling about wearing jeans that “fit”, since I’m kind of a fan of loose and baggy, but when I showed them to Sarah later, she said that they looked good (and I don’t think she’d lie to me). Woohoo!

dear you…brought to you by my hormones

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Dear MBA advisor dude,

While I realize that your job is to give advice and when I came to talk to you about MBA programs, I was soliciting said advice, I guess I just thought you would ask me a few more questions before throwing me into a box called, “You screwed up your undergrad so badly that you don’t have a snowball’s chance in Hell of getting into a first or second tier MBA program.” Apparently, I was mistaken.

I just wish that I had my wits about me when it all happened. Unfortunately, my emotions were such that I had to use all of my energy to not cry rather than put you in your place, which would not have been difficult.

Here’s the thing. It’s not that I totally disagree with you. Most of those programs are a bit of a long shot. I guess I just thought you might ask me more than what my GPA and my GMAT score were before coming to such a conclusion. I mean, did you even listen to another word I said? My guess would be no.

And then to suggest, after I stated implicitly that I want to go into retail marketing and branding, that I consider HR. Seriously? HR? Did you throw me into that category because I am a woman? Because I work for a university? I am all for people who are interested in HR, but considering I told you what I am interested in and it wasn’t HR and you obviously didn’t care, I thought it best to end our conversation and any further interaction at that point.

Thank you for bringing me back to reality. I mean, a good GMAT score is not everything. But then there are all of my professional accomplishments. Wait, what’s that thought I hear in your head? “What professional accomplishments?” you ask. “You are an office manager in one of hundreds of offices at a university.” See, if you had only asked a few questions, you would have known that there’s so much more to me than my GPA and my GMAT score.

But you didn’t. I was happy to see how effectively and efficiently you got through your own agenda, though. Fascinating. Truly fascinating.

Sincerely,

A girl who may not get into the MBA program of her choice, but who will also know that it wasn’t for lack of trying

Dear Stephenie Meyer,

I really like your books, but I am conflicted. I guess if you are just being true to what the characters would do, then such is life. I just find myself really not liking Edward and Bella’s relationship. I mean, Edward is dreamy, but really must there relationship always feel so out of control, so juvenile, so lustful, so intense. I know there’s more to it than that and I am definitely bringing my own baggage to this one, but I find myself really unsure of who I want Bella to end up with, not because Edward isn’t good enough, but because she’s just so freakin’ immature. And on that note, I don’t know that I really want her with Jake either. In fact, I kind of wish both Edward and Jake would each find someone else. At the same time, I don’t want Bella to get hurt either. Wow, I have really been sucked into this little world.

Very much conflicted,

Chloe

Dear dishes,

Why is it that, even though I know that once I start washing you I will actually enjoy it, it takes me so long to get started? I mean, I have fabulous cleaning gloves that I love, and a sponge holder that keeps my sponge from getting gross super fast, really hot water and a great drying wrack. I actually enjoy not having a dishwasher…but why can’t I feel that before I start doing the dishes.

My apologies,

The girl who rinses you and then lets you sit there for a while before washing you

Dear 18-year-old self,

Do you remember when you started college and it was a lot harder than high school and you weren’t the straight-A cheerleader anymore? That sucked. But why couldn’t you just get over those bad grades and move on? Yes, you had a lot on your plate, but who doesn’t?

The good news, I still think you’re fabulous…and despite the bad grades, I believe that we will go to grad school wherever we are meant to go, be it Paris, New York, Texas or even Provo. Even with the occasional lack in judgment, things always work out in the end. I guess I’m not so upset. Besides, I have to be grateful for all of that skiing we got in, the many hours spent in good conversation with good people when we could have been studying something much less meaningful than our relationships.

Okay, so maybe you just realized there was more to life than good grades.

Thank you,

Your older, perhaps wiser, definitely better styled, made-up and coiffed self

Dear laundry,

I wash you and dry dry you. I lovingly remove stains. I make sure that that part of you that doesn’t like hot water or the dryer gets taken care of. So, why must I also be the one to fold you and put you away? I’m sick of it. I cannot deal with your crap anymore. You never help me. You just lie around, lazy and worry free, not a thought for your wrinkles or how often you get thrown in and out of the basket, on and off of the LoveSac. I am done. You disgust me.

Sincerely,

A clothes whore with a broken heart

Dear Donna Lewis,

Perhaps you were just a one-hit-wonder to most people, but not to me. You wrote some great lyrics…okay, perhaps a bit cheezy, but great nonetheless. I had forgotten, until yesterday, just how much I love your songs. Maybe the tunes are a little, well, immature, but I will always be a fan.

With much emotion (most of it induced by a combination of your music in the background),

Chloe

Dear ankles,

Thank you for being so thin and delicate and looking so great in the fabulous heals and tea-length pencil skirt I was wearing today. Being that I am still suffering from hormonal mood swings, it was nice to look at myself in the mirror today and feel so content with you. Oh, and thanks for putting up with all of the miles I’ve been running over the past few months. You are really the best.

Sincerely,

The girl who promises to start cross training once this marathon is over

Dear Mom,

Thank you for teaching me so many great lessons, like that blasting music (in your case, Neil Diamond) while driving with your windows down really can make you feel better. Or that a new pair of shoes is always a better idea than eating junk food when PMS-ing (I really wish that your feet hadn’t been so little, because seriously your shoe collection would be so great to have now). Or that you are always better off to try and fail than to not try at all, because if you don’t try, you’ve already failed. And, the lesson that lives with me daily, “It always works out”.

Love,

Your bawl baby daughter (the youngest one…in case you thought maybe I was Erika, since she likes to cry, too)

Dear Patience,

I really wish that you would visit me a little more often, although I think you’ve done a nice job this week. I am learning, slowly, to not brush you off. Please don’t be offended when I do. I really want you to come and visit, it’s just that I’m not used to you being around.

Sincerely,

The Queen of Impatience

and tears were shed…the joys of being me

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So, I don’t know if you have all gleaned this from reading my blog, but I am an extremely emotional person. And by emotional, I mean I cry. I cry when I’m really happy, when I’m really sad, when something is really sweet and when I’m really, really angry. And PMS only exacerbates the problem I like to call overactive tear ducts. I can now appreciate this about myself, but it took me years to get here.

Let me share with you my most recent experiences with auto-produced saline (yes, PMS is currently underway…and you’re welcome for the overshare). Oh, and these are just from today. And you thought I was exaggerating. Silly rabbit.

Incident #1: My sisters were in town this weekend. My sister just older than me came with her husband and their 3-month-old little girl who is an absolute doll.

We had so much fun! I got to babysit for a few hours yesterday and Baby Girl just slept on me, so sweet, so peaceful. I was in heaven. Not having my own children, there is nothing as sweet as holding one of my siblings’ sleeping babies. Sister and brother-in-law ended up adding 12 hours to their trip, so they left this morning. I heard the garage open (you know, because I live over it) and jumped out of bed to make sure I could say goodbye. It turns out it was just my dad loading their luggage. So, I ran in the house and up the stairs to their room so that I could say goodbye.

And then it happened. This sudden wave of emotions took me completely by surprise. I said goodbye really quickly and was off. I barely made it past my brother-in-law before tears started streaming down my face. I spent the majority of my shower crying…and the tears are welling up as I write this. (And Erika, please don’t be offended that your departure didn’t make me cry…remember that I’m going to see you on Thursday…and I was crying over the baby, not the sister).

Incident #2 (perhaps the most embarrassing): Later today, at work, I was plugging along, doing my job, when Donna Lewis started singing, I Love You Always Forever on the radio. Along with being an emotional person, I have a very sensory memory; auditory and olfactory. So, when I heard this song after my rough morning, I had all of these memories flood my head. Memories of a very hard period in my life. A period when I was very, very angry. It was a low point…and music was the thing that kept me sane. This particular album (the whole thing) was one that I would listen to over and over again.

As the song played, for some reason (it plays often enough that usually the emotions don’t get very strong) I thought about all of this and about how far I’ve come since that period 10 years ago. And I was overcome with gratitude for how truly blessed I have been in my life. And that’s when it happened, right at my desk, sitting at my computer, with a constant flow of people coming and going. My eyes filled with fluid to the point of overflowing. Given my emotional state and my hormones, I just couldn’t help it. Sometimes, I really think turning my emotions off would not be such a bad thing. I mean, crying at work? Who does that? Thankfully, I don’t think anyone noticed…and because crying people in my office are not exactly a rarity, tissues are always readily available. I had to laugh at myself just a bit.

Incident #3 (okay, this one might really be the most embarrassing): Tonight I went to see Evening with the girls (Sarah, EK, KP, and Candice). I have wanted to see this movie since the first time I saw a preview for it. The truth is, along with being extremely emotional, I am very easily entertained (connection? probably not). Anyway, the movie was AWFUL. I’m sorry, but it really was. It probably didn’t help that I was sitting with the peanut gallery, but that was what made the movie bearable. Anyway, this movie dragged on and on and on. We were all just dying for it to end, for our misery to be over. And then it was nearly there, and as absolutely stupid as the movie was, when the mom dies at the end (it’s not even a good death scene…no closure whatsoever), the tears began to flow. So there I am, everyone else still in the process of making fun of the movie, wiping tears from my cheeks and sniffling away.

It is really and truly pathetic just how emotional I am, and yet I have come to love it. I have always loved that my eyes turn this amazing shade of green when they are full of tears and blood shot, but now it’s more than that. The crying is part of what makes me me. You can always count on me to cry with you…or instead of you. No one ever wonders how I’m feeling because my leaking eyes are not capable of keeping a secret. And I am okay with that. I have finally realized that my tears are not a sign of instability, just a very sensitive heart. (Hey, no comments from the peanut gallery…even sensitive people can be mean sometimes). Although I must admit, I’m glad it only gets this bad once a month, even if it does last a week.

weight watchers weekly – week 15 (right?)

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So…I went and weighed. It was bad. I should never skip a week. No matter what. Not having a scale at home, I have no way to make sure things are okay if I don’t go to get weighed. And, had I been weighed last week, I think the reality would’ve hit hard enough that what happened would not have happened.

I gained weight. A surprising amount…although I will add that normally I go to weigh in after eating very little during the day and running 4-5 miles. On top of which (ready for the over-share?) I’m totally PMS-ing, so I’m retaining water. Not that much, but some. And normally, I’m wearing my workout clothes and not regular clothes. Anyway, I’m not going to put how much I gained. I can’t really deal with it. And the woman at WWs told me she was not going to total it because she knew it was just a bad couple of weeks.

The truth is, I think I’m in a bit of a funk. I’m not meaning to make excuses for myself, but you know when one thing isn’t working in your life, then another thing stops working and it just keeps going down. That’s where I’m at. I haven’t been running. I’ve been eating junk. Eating junk has made me feel like crap. When I feel like crap I don’t want to exercise and I want to eat more junk. The problem is that, rather than accept that this is bound to happen from time to time and realizing that I need to just take it one day at a time, I keep promising myself that I’ll do better, that I won’t have another bad week. I have to just focus on one day, otherwise, the second I’ve gone over my points one day, I just stop caring about the entire week.

Yesterday was okay. My sisters are both in town, which makes things a bit hard. Both of their birthdays fall in September, so we’ve been doing lots of eating. I have already used my flex points for the week and I went over a bit today. I have to just be okay with that. And, because last night’s meal was so late, I still felt full this morning (I hate that feeling) and so I didn’t end up going on my run. I know I will fit it in this week, but I’m very frustrated.

I have made such amazing progress and I was so sad, disappointed and angry when I got on the scale. It was not a surprise. I know what I’ve been eating. What I don’t understand is why, when I know what I want, and eating junk makes me feel like crap, I still do it. I’m extremely frustrated. It will probably take me until the marathon (about three weeks) to get back to where I was, as far as my weight is concerned, two weeks ago.

The good news. I paid for another ten weeks. While I am frustrated and really, really struggling against the desire to feed my sorrow with Ben and Jerry’s, I am still in this for the long haul. While I haven’t been perfect, I have written everything down so far this week. And I have asked a friend for help.

At this point, there are five of us at my job who are actively (getting weighed and attending meetings) participating in WWs and two who are lifetime members. On Friday, I told one of these women that I was going to need some help. She just started and is super enthusiastic (I remember being there) and said she would be happy to do anything. We’ve come up with a few things and I am feeling good about having the support.

I’m going out of town next weekend, which is making me a bit nervous, since most of my meals will be eaten out. I did purchase WWs’ “Dining Out Food Guide”, which has been a big help. I am also going to get the complete food guide. The internet is an amazing resource, but it’s not so helpful when you don’t have a computer right in front of you.

This journey has become really hard, but I am determined to make it, even if it takes me three years to get to my goal. And, while I gained a bit of weight, I’m still way better off than I was three months ago, right? Right.

At some point, I will share how much I gained, but right now, it’s just a bit too painful…and really, I am not exaggerating. If it were minor, I would post the amount. For those of you out there who have been so impressed with how well I’ve done and who have told me (in person or via email) that you wish you had my willpower, the truth is, we all have our moments of weakness, those moments when it just seems way to hard. I feel lucky that it took me 13 weeks before I hit it and I am hopeful that a renewed commitment is coming. The truth is, it’s not totally there right now. Oh, the pains of addiction.

Having never tried to do this the right way, I didn’t understand just how hard it was going to be.

yummy curry salad

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Lunch Group is back in action after a three week hiatus. (Robyn, aren’t you excited?) So, here’s my latest. Dianne made it over the summer, but I loved it so much, I wanted it again. (I’m a little behind on postings, but I’ll catch up with the Weight Watchers update-not good-and running). In the meantime, enjoy a great salad. Oh, and the recipe is for two servings…what you see above is a triple batch.

Ingredients

  • 6 oz chicken breasts, cooked and cubed (you can also a 6 oz can of chicken)
  • ½ cup celery, diced (I sliced it super thin…I’m not a huge celery fan, but I really like it in this salad)
  • ½ cup chopped green onion
  • ½ c diced green pepper (I went a little easier on the peppers…Dianne forgot to put them in hers and I loved it, so I didn’t want to over power the salad)
  • 4 T water chestnuts (I don’t love these either, but they are delicious in this salad)
  • 1 c red or green grapes (I chose red for color)
  • ½ tsp curry powder
  • 4 T fat-free mayonnaise
  • ½ c plain non-fat yogurt
  • 1 T lemon juice
  • 1 c cooked rice or shell pasta (I am a huge brown rice fan, so that’s what I used).
  • ½ t sweetener (I forgot this, but it was fine)

Other recommended seasonings, to taste (didn’t use any):

  • 1 t Nice N Spicy or Mrs. Dash
  • ½ t Lemon Pepper
  • ½ t salt
  • ¼ Dill

Mix all ingredients together and adjust seasonings to taste. Salad should be refrigerated 2-3 hours before serving to combine flavors.

Makes 2 servings.
5 points per serving