and tears were shed…the joys of being me

So, I don’t know if you have all gleaned this from reading my blog, but I am an extremely emotional person. And by emotional, I mean I cry. I cry when I’m really happy, when I’m really sad, when something is really sweet and when I’m really, really angry. And PMS only exacerbates the problem I like to call overactive tear ducts. I can now appreciate this about myself, but it took me years to get here.

Let me share with you my most recent experiences with auto-produced saline (yes, PMS is currently underway…and you’re welcome for the overshare). Oh, and these are just from today. And you thought I was exaggerating. Silly rabbit.

Incident #1: My sisters were in town this weekend. My sister just older than me came with her husband and their 3-month-old little girl who is an absolute doll.

We had so much fun! I got to babysit for a few hours yesterday and Baby Girl just slept on me, so sweet, so peaceful. I was in heaven. Not having my own children, there is nothing as sweet as holding one of my siblings’ sleeping babies. Sister and brother-in-law ended up adding 12 hours to their trip, so they left this morning. I heard the garage open (you know, because I live over it) and jumped out of bed to make sure I could say goodbye. It turns out it was just my dad loading their luggage. So, I ran in the house and up the stairs to their room so that I could say goodbye.

And then it happened. This sudden wave of emotions took me completely by surprise. I said goodbye really quickly and was off. I barely made it past my brother-in-law before tears started streaming down my face. I spent the majority of my shower crying…and the tears are welling up as I write this. (And Erika, please don’t be offended that your departure didn’t make me cry…remember that I’m going to see you on Thursday…and I was crying over the baby, not the sister).

Incident #2 (perhaps the most embarrassing): Later today, at work, I was plugging along, doing my job, when Donna Lewis started singing, I Love You Always Forever on the radio. Along with being an emotional person, I have a very sensory memory; auditory and olfactory. So, when I heard this song after my rough morning, I had all of these memories flood my head. Memories of a very hard period in my life. A period when I was very, very angry. It was a low point…and music was the thing that kept me sane. This particular album (the whole thing) was one that I would listen to over and over again.

As the song played, for some reason (it plays often enough that usually the emotions don’t get very strong) I thought about all of this and about how far I’ve come since that period 10 years ago. And I was overcome with gratitude for how truly blessed I have been in my life. And that’s when it happened, right at my desk, sitting at my computer, with a constant flow of people coming and going. My eyes filled with fluid to the point of overflowing. Given my emotional state and my hormones, I just couldn’t help it. Sometimes, I really think turning my emotions off would not be such a bad thing. I mean, crying at work? Who does that? Thankfully, I don’t think anyone noticed…and because crying people in my office are not exactly a rarity, tissues are always readily available. I had to laugh at myself just a bit.

Incident #3 (okay, this one might really be the most embarrassing): Tonight I went to see Evening with the girls (Sarah, EK, KP, and Candice). I have wanted to see this movie since the first time I saw a preview for it. The truth is, along with being extremely emotional, I am very easily entertained (connection? probably not). Anyway, the movie was AWFUL. I’m sorry, but it really was. It probably didn’t help that I was sitting with the peanut gallery, but that was what made the movie bearable. Anyway, this movie dragged on and on and on. We were all just dying for it to end, for our misery to be over. And then it was nearly there, and as absolutely stupid as the movie was, when the mom dies at the end (it’s not even a good death scene…no closure whatsoever), the tears began to flow. So there I am, everyone else still in the process of making fun of the movie, wiping tears from my cheeks and sniffling away.

It is really and truly pathetic just how emotional I am, and yet I have come to love it. I have always loved that my eyes turn this amazing shade of green when they are full of tears and blood shot, but now it’s more than that. The crying is part of what makes me me. You can always count on me to cry with you…or instead of you. No one ever wonders how I’m feeling because my leaking eyes are not capable of keeping a secret. And I am okay with that. I have finally realized that my tears are not a sign of instability, just a very sensitive heart. (Hey, no comments from the peanut gallery…even sensitive people can be mean sometimes). Although I must admit, I’m glad it only gets this bad once a month, even if it does last a week.

12 thoughts on “and tears were shed…the joys of being me

  1. Chello…I think I should cry more. Meaning my heart is black and cold. Just kidding…I cried watching “Life With Ryan” last night. Yes, lame reality shows on MTV make me cry yet “Becoming Jane” didn’t. What’s my problem!?!?!

  2. You are not pathetic, you are female! I was crying when we left Utah and I know I will be back soon or someone will be out to Cali to see me. I cry at movies, I cry when I hear a certain song on the radio, I cry when my children cry…its just a woman thing!

  3. Hil – I so get this from Mom(s). Hannah – Join the club, now that you know it exists.Victoria – Thanks for bringing that up…I also have those moments when I can’t cry, but I feel I should…although, usually, it will happen eventually.Thom – Dying Mandy Moore still gets me every time. Way to embrace it.ek – You don’t resent it, you revel in it. Just admit it and move on.Cherity – I know the headaches all too well, although they usually only come with sobbing, not just your average, run-of-the-mill cry.Terri – So what’s to come of me when my middle-aged hormones hit?Jules – Without fail, if I need a good cry, I can find a song that will do it. Without. Fail.

  4. I need to have a good cry, but can’t just sit and do it–it hits me in odd places as well. Like today, in my car, listening to my iPod on shuffle, and “Surely, He Hath Borne Our Griefs” from The Messiah. Those first string chords made me all teary (old boyfriend association). But I had to go to class. Now I’m home and can’t cry. Hmph.

  5. Although, I’m not a huge crier, I do occasionally hit the tears. Expecially being preggo! I cry when my dogs give me a sad look these days!! But, as hard as it is sometimes to stiffle it, I try not to cry because I ALWAYS get headaches after I cry.

  6. Peanut gallery?? I resent that! I’m actually quite surprised we didn’t get shh-ed. We were so loud. I was just at the gym with my sister telling her that Evening is probably one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. But at least I had good company! 🙂

  7. Since we all know that this MAN’s MAN is in-touch – I am okay with admitting that I am a crier.A few years back I took a girl on a date to see A Walk to Remember. I cried, she didn’t. That was the end of that.It is good to cry, it is a healthy release.

  8. I am a lot like that too. The worst is when I have to do a talk, I am so emotional and I am so scared to get up in front of everyone in the first place, so I get there and before I can utter a word I am crying! Ugh!Been working on it, but boy do I cry at the wrong times, then there are times I think I must be in shock because I didn’t cry when I know I should of! lol

  9. I am a crier too- used to be better about keeping it to myself or in the car etc. But there is that one week a month that if you are with me you might get a show. I used to hate it, but more and more I am just accepting that this is who I am. It is always refreshing to know that there are others out there embracing their leaky tear ducts.

  10. I’m right there with you sister! I cried at your post. Feelings are part of what we are. It’s ok to cry. I love to cry. It makes me feel better. I’ve had moments during surgery when I have been on the brink. Good thing I have a mask on. Fortunately, I have yet to drop a tear in someones mouth 🙂 By the way, you get the crying thing from mom!

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