So…I went and weighed. It was bad. I should never skip a week. No matter what. Not having a scale at home, I have no way to make sure things are okay if I don’t go to get weighed. And, had I been weighed last week, I think the reality would’ve hit hard enough that what happened would not have happened.
I gained weight. A surprising amount…although I will add that normally I go to weigh in after eating very little during the day and running 4-5 miles. On top of which (ready for the over-share?) I’m totally PMS-ing, so I’m retaining water. Not that much, but some. And normally, I’m wearing my workout clothes and not regular clothes. Anyway, I’m not going to put how much I gained. I can’t really deal with it. And the woman at WWs told me she was not going to total it because she knew it was just a bad couple of weeks.
The truth is, I think I’m in a bit of a funk. I’m not meaning to make excuses for myself, but you know when one thing isn’t working in your life, then another thing stops working and it just keeps going down. That’s where I’m at. I haven’t been running. I’ve been eating junk. Eating junk has made me feel like crap. When I feel like crap I don’t want to exercise and I want to eat more junk. The problem is that, rather than accept that this is bound to happen from time to time and realizing that I need to just take it one day at a time, I keep promising myself that I’ll do better, that I won’t have another bad week. I have to just focus on one day, otherwise, the second I’ve gone over my points one day, I just stop caring about the entire week.
Yesterday was okay. My sisters are both in town, which makes things a bit hard. Both of their birthdays fall in September, so we’ve been doing lots of eating. I have already used my flex points for the week and I went over a bit today. I have to just be okay with that. And, because last night’s meal was so late, I still felt full this morning (I hate that feeling) and so I didn’t end up going on my run. I know I will fit it in this week, but I’m very frustrated.
I have made such amazing progress and I was so sad, disappointed and angry when I got on the scale. It was not a surprise. I know what I’ve been eating. What I don’t understand is why, when I know what I want, and eating junk makes me feel like crap, I still do it. I’m extremely frustrated. It will probably take me until the marathon (about three weeks) to get back to where I was, as far as my weight is concerned, two weeks ago.
The good news. I paid for another ten weeks. While I am frustrated and really, really struggling against the desire to feed my sorrow with Ben and Jerry’s, I am still in this for the long haul. While I haven’t been perfect, I have written everything down so far this week. And I have asked a friend for help.
At this point, there are five of us at my job who are actively (getting weighed and attending meetings) participating in WWs and two who are lifetime members. On Friday, I told one of these women that I was going to need some help. She just started and is super enthusiastic (I remember being there) and said she would be happy to do anything. We’ve come up with a few things and I am feeling good about having the support.
I’m going out of town next weekend, which is making me a bit nervous, since most of my meals will be eaten out. I did purchase WWs’ “Dining Out Food Guide”, which has been a big help. I am also going to get the complete food guide. The internet is an amazing resource, but it’s not so helpful when you don’t have a computer right in front of you.
This journey has become really hard, but I am determined to make it, even if it takes me three years to get to my goal. And, while I gained a bit of weight, I’m still way better off than I was three months ago, right? Right.
At some point, I will share how much I gained, but right now, it’s just a bit too painful…and really, I am not exaggerating. If it were minor, I would post the amount. For those of you out there who have been so impressed with how well I’ve done and who have told me (in person or via email) that you wish you had my willpower, the truth is, we all have our moments of weakness, those moments when it just seems way to hard. I feel lucky that it took me 13 weeks before I hit it and I am hopeful that a renewed commitment is coming. The truth is, it’s not totally there right now. Oh, the pains of addiction.
Having never tried to do this the right way, I didn’t understand just how hard it was going to be.