Category Archives: me

a big fake

Posted on by
7


It is the end of my first week of school. I can’t believe I’m really doing this. I know I’ve been working toward it for a year, but it’s weird that it’s actually happening. And it’s terrifying. I sit in class and think, “I wonder when people are going to figure out that I’m just a big fake and don’t really deserve to be here.”

Apparently I’m doing a pretty good job of faking it because I somehow managed to get myself put in charge of the opening social for my entire program. As of right now, 343 people are attending…and that’s just the people who actually responded. We’re expecting about 450. And the funny thing is, it looks as if I might have pulled it off. The truth is, though, I did next to nothing. I delegated to a great team of people.

You want to know what else I’m faking. I’m pretending that I’m a person who makes her bed everyday. I’m pretending that I’m a person who gets up and goes to the gym at 4:45 am and is at school by 7 even though her first class isn’t until 9:30. I’m pretending that I’m not completely insecure in the presence of so many amazing people. I’m pretending that I’m someone who does her hair and makeup every single day.

I’m also pretending that I don’t care that there are so many amazing, talented, beautiful, and intelligent women in my program and that I feel like the redheaded stepchild (it’s just a saying…most redheads I know are intimidatingly beautiful). I’m pretending that I’m someone who is two days ahead in her homework and always prepared for class. And finally, and most uncharacteristically, I’m pretending that I’m someone who budgets her money, only eats out once a week, and enjoys her homemade lunch. Weird. I didn’t even know I was capable of faking any of those things.

It’s been a weird week. I’m a little nervous to see what happens next. What if I start pretending that I’m someone who folds her laundry right when it comes out of the dryer?

If hell freezes over, you’ll know why.

children suck your brain

Posted on by
16

I haven’t posted in the last two weeks because I’ve been very, very busy. I’m in Arizona helping my sister and her husband with their 13-month-old little girl and newborn baby boy (he was born last week and is an absolute joy!). They are also in the middle of a move. It’s been a little hectic, to say the least.

Now to the post.

So, with all of this going on, I’ve been a bit sleep deprived. I’m sure you mothers out there know what it’s like. Yes, I’m often sleep deprived, but the exhaustion children cause is like nothing else out there.

Anyway, my sister, niece, nephew and I are driving through the drive-thru at Sonic the other day. It was happy hour, so we had a long wait. The two kids are happy in the back, my sister is making phone calls, and I’m checking my email on my phone as I inch the car forward (I’m a safe driver, I swear). We continue like this, all happily doing our things. La la la.

Suddenly, my sister looks at me, after hanging up with some idiot contractor, and asks, “Did you order?”

What? I look to my left and see that I have passed the little order station. In fact, it’s two cars back. And no, I didn’t order.

I have never felt like such a dumb blond in my life. Ever. (Justin, if you can think of others, I don’t want to hear them). So, we get to the window, I tell the cute little 16-year-old what happened and he took our order. He was very sweet, but you could tell he was laughing at me inside. Thankfully we were at Sonic, where they are used to bringing your food to your car, so it was no big deal to pull the car out of the way and wait for him to bring us our drinks.

My sister just looked at me and said, “I’m glad I’m not the only one who gets her brain sucked by children”.

Speaking of children, the munchkin has caught on to the fact that I’m leaving her in her highchair extra long so I can get this post out. Time to go!

ETA: Just got back from our (almost) daily trip to Sonic. This time it was just me and the munchkin. I did it AGAIN! How spacey am I??? Those blasted lines make you think that you have time to get things done, but noooo. This time, though, the line was short enough that I just drove around again, putting my phone away and leaving my window rolled down. Nothing like the AZ heat to remind you why your window is down. I’m such an idiot.

new friends

Posted on by
2

This post is more of a journal entry than anything, but since this is my journal…well, you understand.

So, thanks to Danielle, I had the opportunity during my time here in NorCal to reconnect with a distant cousin (distant in relation…we grew up in the same town and our moms were great friends).

I actually ran into Jake about a year and a half ago on campus, and he was very nice and polite and told me to let him know if I wanted him to write me a recommendation when I applied the school in P-town. And that was the end of it. I knew that he was married, but I hadn’t met his wife. I knew that he had kids, but nothing more.

Well, when Danielle was in the area for work last week, we headed to Jake’s house for dinner. I had no idea what I was in for as Jake and I weren’t really friends (he’s my younger brother’s age…and that matters in high school, apparently), but I assure you that, whatever my expectations, my experience exceeded them.

Jake and Lora are absolutely fabulous and their children are darling. I managed to make it over there two more times in the last week and a half and enjoyed every minute. They fed me fabulous food (Jake’s a great cook) and great conversation.

It was one of those instant-click situations with Lora. I knew I’d like her because Danielle had great things to say, but you know when you just feel like someone is going to be a big part of your life (even if you only see them once a year). That’s how I feel about these two. Maybe it’s that we are related, but I think it’s more about finding those kindred spirits with whom I can just be myself. I love how people come into our lives at just the right time. It kind of makes it hard to not believe in God.

low maintenance

Posted on by
9

There are a lot of things that are high maintenance chez moi, but my friendships are not one of them. In fact, I have a really hard time with friendships that are.

One of the things that has been the most fun about this trip out to California and my time in Arizona is getting to connect with old friends. And one of the things I’ve realized is how much I appreciate the low level of maintenance required to continue these friendships.

Last week I went to “coffee” with one of my high school friends and it was so much fun. I got to see her darling apartment in the city and her beautiful baby girl and we just chatted and caught up. Truthfully, it had been a little over a year since I last saw her (and almost that long since we’ve spoken) and we probably won’t talk again for a year and I’m the one who’ll get in touch with her because I’m the one who comes to town, which makes perfect sense to me. It’s a great arrangement.

I am an extremely social person. I love having things to do and people with whom I can do them, and I love knowing people, but I hate feeling obligated; it’s that feeling of dread that comes when certain friends call because you know that if you don’t have time to talk, they’ll be offended. Or that realization, after not talking to a friend for a month, or two, that said friend is going to be pissed. Or knowing that a friend who always remembers your birthday is going to be angry because you didn’t remember hers even though you live on opposite sides of the country and you never see each other and rarely talk. Or when life circumstances change thus changing the nature of your friendship, and your friend can’t handle it (like when someone gets married, or starts graduate school, or moves).

Not only do I appreciate low maintenance friends, but I try very hard to be a low maintenance friend. I think low maintenance friendships are representative of good friendships; friendships where insecurities have ceased to exist, where true understanding of each other and our natures has been reached. If I call up a friend to do something and she says, “You know, I’m just not in the mood tonight,” I’m not offended or angry, or even hurt, I just consider it a sign of a healthy friendship. Who wants to be friends with someone who a) can’t be herself around you and/or b) does things out of some weird sense of obligation. It’s like they have this “manual on friendship” and want everyone to follow it and play by the same rules.

I know there are people out there who are not like me in this way. And I’m not saying the way I am is the best way to be. It may not be..although of course I think it is, or I’d probably try to change (and there are definitely things that I need to change and I’m working on them). I guess, to me, low maintenance represents a genuine friendship, one where I do things because I actually like the person and not because I’m in fear of her getting upset.

Anyway…my point: if you are a high maintenance friend who chooses to be friends with a low maintenance one and you want the friendship to work (which goes against my personal belief that relationships of any kind should never be forced, unless it’s family), you’re going to have to just understand our low maintenance ways because chances are we just can’t be bothered.

And once again, I’m sure most of you are wondering how on earth I manage to keep any friends. I ask myself the same thing every day. Okay, not really. I actually think I’m a pretty good friend, just misunderstood sometimes. But I guess it all depends on your definition of a “good friend”.

And for my next friendship post: Why some people can’t seem to transition from full-time to part-time friend and how to best deal with it. Ha ha ha. Because I’m some kind of expert.

breakwater

Posted on by
10

This is the only picture I took and it’s from the parking lot…I didn’t think leaving my camera unattended on the beach was a good idea.

When this summer started, my plan was to drive out to my sister’s in CA, and then drive from here to AZ, making a quick pit stop in So.Cal to visit a friend and go diving at Catalina. Well, plans changed. It didn’t make sense to drive all that way by myself with gas prices being what they are. When that happened, it looked like diving was out.

I’m not sure why this didn’t occur to me earlier, but upon my return to NorCal after the family reunion I realized that I could still go diving, it would just have to be up here.

I just want to share with all of you that, while I might seem to have zero fear at times, it’s totally not true. I am regularly scared of life…I just push through it. What I find amusing is that I wasn’t at all scared of the SCUBA diving, even though it’s been six years since I last donned a BCD. No, the diving itself has never scared me. I don’t worry about the possibility of sharks or other marine life that might kill me. I don’t worry about oxygen poisoning or the bends (aka decompression sickness). Nope, what do I worry about? Looking stupid.

It seriously took me an hour just to call up the dive place in Monterey. I was nervous about the questions I needed to ask. I was nervous about telling them that I hadn’t been diving in six years. I was seriously terrified. What kills me about this is that I know the people are going to be nice. Divers and runners are very similar…they’re a bit intimidating, but they are more than happy to be of service.

Well, I got my dives all set up…relatively painless…and then the fear of the actual experience started to set in. I’ve gained weight since the last time I went diving. What if there wasn’t a wetsuit big enough (yes…I know I need therapy)? What if they laughed when I told them how much weight I was going to need just to sink my buoyant body? What if I can’t remember how to hook everything up? What if I use my air too quickly? What if I can’t get my wetsuit off (yes, I have a serious fear of the wetsuit, but when you’re diving in 50F water…it’s a serious wetsuit)? What if? What if? What if?

Do you feel like I just let you in on a secret? I seriously walk around constantly worried that I look dumb. Every. Day. First time I went into a running store to get shoes? Terrified. That cooking class two weeks ago? I almost didn’t go. Voice lessons? Scared every lesson. School this fall? I can’t even think about it.

Well, I got there this morning and I was fine. They had a big enough wetsuit (I have serious issues). Rather than fumble through hooking everything up myself (and possibly doing it wrong), I just turned to one of the very nice, very helpful employees and said, “Hey, it’s been six years since I’ve done this. Would you mind helping me out?” And, surprise, surprise, it worked…and I didn’t look stupid.

The dive itself was fantastic. It’s the best visibility I’ve ever had there (Monterey isn’t know for it’s great vis). There was more marine life than I remember, too. Minus a little issue with my first descent (which stressed me out big time because, once again, I felt stupid), all was well. And the dive master/tour guide I was with kept commenting on how she couldn’t believe it had been six years since the last time I’d been diving. That was the biggest compliment she could have ever given me. I so needed to hear it.

So…all in all, I’m really glad that I managed to push through my fear, once again. I had a great time! And the bonus, the other two divers with us were from Lyon, France, so I got to help play translator (I love any chance to speak French) and talk about Lyon with this cute little couple.