a big fake


It is the end of my first week of school. I can’t believe I’m really doing this. I know I’ve been working toward it for a year, but it’s weird that it’s actually happening. And it’s terrifying. I sit in class and think, “I wonder when people are going to figure out that I’m just a big fake and don’t really deserve to be here.”

Apparently I’m doing a pretty good job of faking it because I somehow managed to get myself put in charge of the opening social for my entire program. As of right now, 343 people are attending…and that’s just the people who actually responded. We’re expecting about 450. And the funny thing is, it looks as if I might have pulled it off. The truth is, though, I did next to nothing. I delegated to a great team of people.

You want to know what else I’m faking. I’m pretending that I’m a person who makes her bed everyday. I’m pretending that I’m a person who gets up and goes to the gym at 4:45 am and is at school by 7 even though her first class isn’t until 9:30. I’m pretending that I’m not completely insecure in the presence of so many amazing people. I’m pretending that I’m someone who does her hair and makeup every single day.

I’m also pretending that I don’t care that there are so many amazing, talented, beautiful, and intelligent women in my program and that I feel like the redheaded stepchild (it’s just a saying…most redheads I know are intimidatingly beautiful). I’m pretending that I’m someone who is two days ahead in her homework and always prepared for class. And finally, and most uncharacteristically, I’m pretending that I’m someone who budgets her money, only eats out once a week, and enjoys her homemade lunch. Weird. I didn’t even know I was capable of faking any of those things.

It’s been a weird week. I’m a little nervous to see what happens next. What if I start pretending that I’m someone who folds her laundry right when it comes out of the dryer?

If hell freezes over, you’ll know why.

7 thoughts on “a big fake

  1. And that, folks, is where the phrase “fake it til you make it” comes from. You pretend long enough, and suddenly you find you actually *are* that person. Huzzah!

  2. I am so excited that you’re faking so many good things! Gives me hope. You look stunning, by the way. Must be the grad aura you have now:)

  3. You don’t fold your clothes right when they come out of the dryer? I do. And my roommates’. People should live with me. I’m a good little housewife. But really, this is about you and how you’re a total rockstar. Amazing job on the barbecue.

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