Category Archives: me

weight watchers weekly – week 12

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*This is a long one. So, for those of you (including my little brother) who wish to “cut to the chase”, the weight total is at the bottom of this post.

Sanity has returned.

It’s amazing how quickly life (or part of it) can spin completely out of control. For me, as you all know from last week, it was my weight…well, not my weight, per se, but my obsession with my weight.

When I started Weight Watchers it was because I was finally ready to do this, lose weight, the right way, the healthy way. I didn’t want to ever end up in that yucky, ugly place again. You know, the Land of Eating Disorders, the Land of the Emotionally Screwed Up, the Land of Starvation. Take your pick…it’s all the same place. In that land, you weigh yourself every day, least twice a day. Sometimes three times. In that land, any time you “slip up” you have to beat yourself, internally or otherwise, over and over and over again. Sometimes the beating involves popping laxatives, sometimes throwing up, sometimes just thinking mean and ugly things about yourself. This a land where you are never happy. Not ever. You may appear happy. You may have moments of laughter and smiles. But the joy of a true life, a life ruled by honesty and integrity, never comes.

You would think the steady decline of the numbers on the scale would do it. And yes, there is this kind of euphoric feeling when you get on the scale and the number is lower, or when you go shopping and fit into a smaller size, but this feeling is ephemeral. I imagine it is a feeling akin to that experienced from a hit of some illicit drug. The problem is, like the high experienced from a drug, without another hit on the horizon, you are left in a state of withdrawal.

Well, no matter what you are doing to your body, it can only lose so much weight. Even starving it will only result in weight loss for so long. And like the addict who requires higher doses to experience the high, the more weight you lose, the more you need to lose to regain euphoria. Eventually, either one will kill you if they are left unchecked.

While I have no desire (in my lucid moments) to return to the Land of Starvation, somehow I found myself on the journey in that direction last week. You all know that I managed to stop in my tracks…but it was enough to really scare me.

Over the last week, I have though often about what it was that put me on that path. If I am going to stay away from that land, I need to figure these things out. I have had all of these little ideas, but I think I might have nailed down one sure thing that sends me into a tailspin. It’s my scale. When I started having “bad “days (days when I wasn’t tracking and knew I’d gone over my points), I started getting on the scale in the morning to make sure that I hadn’t gained weight. If I had, those feelings of inadequacy, of lacking control, of, well really, self-loathing (remember when I was so excited because self-loathing didn’t come when I gained .8 lbs that one week?) would immediately follow. If I hadn’t, I would think that I could get away with what I was doing.

But weight is a funny and fickle beast. It doesn’t react immediately. At least not chez moi. I could eat a whole pizza one day and not “feel” it for four. There’s a reason that Weight Watchers tells you outright that when you are trying to lose weight, you should only weigh yourself once a week. I really think, after much reflection, that the lack of weighing myself in the early weeks of my journey was a big part of my success…and my sanity.

Tonight’s lesson (yes, I weighed in and went to the meeting) was about the journey…patience and perseverance. Those of you who know me know that patience is a virtue that I do not possess. When I want something to happen, I want it to happen yesterday. Well, that’s just not the way it works with weight loss, or anything worth doing, for that matter.

I wish I could explain to you how helpful the meetings really are. There’s a certain camaraderie that exists when you have this group of people who come together for a common goal. It’s funny, working in a counseling center, I often admire the people in group therapy while simultaneously thinking, “I could never do that.” And I’m not going to say that WW is group therapy, but it is definitely a support group, and I love it. I love sharing. I love people sharing with me. Maybe I could do group therapy.

Our meeting leader asked us tonight to think of one thing, just one, that we were going to do to feel successful this week. Since I had already committed to meticulous tracking this week (which I did), I decided that I was going to give up my scale. Put it away…where it can’t tempt me or call to me. (Have you noticed how many inanimate objects speak to me?) That’s it. I have weighed myself twice a day every day this last week. Thankfully, I managed to get myself in the mind frame that, no matter what the scale said, I was going to just stick to my points and follow the program.

While that worked this week, I sat there today asking myself why it was that I felt being a masochist was necessary; why I felt that I deserved the kind of torture involved with daily (bi-daily, for that matter) weigh-ins. If I’m going to follow the program, regardless of what the scale says from day to day, why do I need to know what the scale says?

So, I am standing up right now to go bury the scale in the depths of my closet. While the room under the roof where I live is pretty small, the closet is not…but it is awkward, with a slanted ceiling, which means to get to the depths I have to crawl. I think that should do the trick.

…

Wow…that was hard. I feel like an alcoholic who just dumped out the last of my stash. Except that I didn’t. I still have the stash. It’s just stashed better. Okay…I’m feeling like I need to do more. My heart is racing. That is sad. A woman tonight, after I said that I was going to give up my scale, said that she started to feel anxious just at the thought of it. That’s how I’m feeling now. It’s one thing to put my scale in the closet, but to get rid of it entirely. I don’t know if I can do it. I’m thinking that’s what I need to do. If I am really going to learn how to eat and kill this demon (or at least domesticate him), that’s what I need to do.

This is how things happen in my life. To get a little spiritual on you (something I don’t do very often via the internet), this is exactly how the Lord works in my life. Unfortunately, because the good things are often the hard things and the hard things are often the scary things…these epiphanies (aka “promptings”) often involve varying levels of nausea and anxiety. Excuse me while I put my scale in the trunk of my car (and vomit). And then tomorrow, Madame Scale is heading into the storage unit where she will remain until I’m ready to maintain.

…

I’m scared and excited all at the same time. I think this is another step on the path to freedom from the crazies that live in my head.

Oh…and I lost .6 lbs, for a total of 23.6 lbs. I have nothing negative to say about it. I’m not disappointed. I’m not super excited. I just feel good. And healthy. And happy. It’s been a good week.

weight watchers weekly – week 11

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So, I know this is a bit delayed, but I’ve had lots going on. In any case, here we are, 11 weeks into this, and I have hit a wall. Things have been so good and I really and truly believed that I was not going to struggle with eating disorder issues anymore. But then I had a couple of not great weeks. I still lost 1 lb over those two weeks, but I definitely wasn’t eating what I should have been eating. And that’s when things began to get hard emotionally. I had some pretty high expectations for last week. I was ready to recommit. That was the plan.

The thing is, when planning, sometimes I think only about what I want and not what is realistic. Realistically, losing weight last week would have been extremely difficult. I was going to be traveling, I had two other dinners planned with friends on top of the trip. And once things started to go downhill, I just lost all control, which is a weird form of control in and of itself. I know that sounds strange, but it’s true. I get to this place (and it’s been a while, which is why this week was so hard for me) where I basically say “eff you” to my body and my lame-o metabolism. I think, “Fine, if you’re not going to cooperate, I’m not going to cooperate.”

Since my food intake and exercise levels are totally within my control, whereas my metabolism, body shape, etc. are not (not totally, anyway), I have two ways of taking control. One is to not eat and exercise obsessively. The other is to eat everything in sight and stop exercising. Both are unhealthy. Both end with me being miserable, either because I can’t maintain the one and end up gaining back anything I lose, or because I gain weight and feel horrible about how lazy I am.

Well, I was out of control in D.C. I won’t go into the gory details, but the worst part was at the airport on the way home. I had two hours to sit there, and all kinds of food options. I wish I could describe to those of you who have never struggled with this what it feels like to think about food constantly; to think about what you should eat, what you shouldn’t it, what you already ate, what you are going to eat. It is miserable. And the worst part is, I am aware of what’s going on. I am aware that it’s not healthy. I am aware that I am not really hungry. I am aware that I am going to be really angry at myself after I make certain choices. I know all of this, and yet, when I get to a certain point, I just can’t stop.

So, there was some serious binge eating going on. Thankfully, there was no purging, laxatives or otherwise, but I still felt miserable. I got home and thought, “Okay, tomorrow will be better.” But I hadn’t forgiven myself. I was still so mad that I had lost control. So while it’s nice to think, “tomorrow will be better”, if you can’t let go of yesterday or today, you can’t really get to tomorrow. Tomorrow was not better. And then it was Wednesday morning.

I was not in a good place. My week had been so busy that I had yet to run even once, which only adds to the depressed feelings. While I don’t necessarily love to run (and sometimes I really and truly hate it), I definitely like the endorphins. I woke up Wednesday morning (after choosing to snooze my alarm and not run, once again) and decided that, since I couldn’t handle going to my meeting having not lost any weight, I needed to just starve myself Wednesday and Thursday.

Thankfully, I am healthy enough now (emotionally) that I let that thought sit for about a minute before deciding that I did not really want to do that. And that is when I decided that, if going to my meeting was going to cause me this much stress, that I did not need to go. And that is how I ended up not going to my meeting.

I weighed myself, so I know where I’m at (on my scale) and I gained about 3 lbs. While I’m not fine with that, I have been working on forgiving myself so that I can move on and so far (you know, yesterday), this week has been better.

I have figured a few things out. I realized that I really do have to calculate everything I eat into points and do it realistically and then write it down. Part of what I was doing was overestimating point values. I know that sounds weird. Most people underestimate. However, when I don’t know a point value, I just guestimate and I want to be safe, so I overshoot. Well, then I know that I’ve overshot, so I allow myself to fudge a little here and there. And, apparently, the “here and there” add up to more than the overestimations. Seriously, don’t try and understand why my head works the way it does. I’ve lived with myself for 29 years and still don’t get it. But, at least I’ve learned how it works, so I can manage it.

I am feeling pretty good. It was a good reminder that, really, eating disorders never do leave you. I think, after 8 weeks, I was lulled into this sense of security. The truth is, I will probably be fighting this battle the rest of my life. And I’m okay with that. It’s better than lots of other things lots of other people have to deal with. I just need to remember that such is the case. It’s in the moments when I feel so strong that I am the most vulnerable, because it is in those moments that I forget how hard I have had to work to get to where I am.

So, as for weight loss, it didn’t happen this week, but I am choosing to not make that official, because I can do that.

…and the presentation

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*I try not to write “travel logs” on the blog, as I find that my writing suffers and I fear I will bore my readers. However, sometimes that is what is necessary. The following is a bit of a “play by play”, written for me in personal history fashion. Read at your own risk of boredom. And I have not put in names because, in this information age, I really don’t feel like having someone do a little Google search and find my blog because I posted the names of the company, the executives of the company, the university where I work and attend classes, or my team members or advisor. It’s not because I’m trying to be cryptic. However, you will be able to tell the company and the school from the photo.

So, it all started in January of this year. My friend, Catherine, encouraged me to take this field studies class through the School of Management. I thought about it and decided that, if I was really serious about going back to school for my MBA, this would be a great opportunity to a) see if my study habits and motivation had improved since my undergrad, b) raise my GPA, and c) see if I had what it was going to take to get through an MBA program. I went and spoke with the professor over field studies and he signed my petition to take the class (because I’m not in the management program, MBA or undergrad, I needed a petition).

I know I’ve discussed this previous to this post, but the truth is, I had no idea what I was getting into. I was taking this class, a 200 level English class (I had to retake it to get rid of the “unofficial withdrawal” on my transcript…which is the equivalent of a failing grade), and Accounting, along with working full time. I’m not sure what I was thinking, but whatever, that’s what I did.

I felt a little in over my head with the field studies class. The project we were given was basically to try and quantify the value of a company’s culture. There were two different teams assigned to this and we were each looking at it from two different angles. My team was looking at it from a financial perspective. The other team was looking at it from an HR perspective. In either situation, this is not an easy task, since “culture” is not exactly tangible, and therefore, not exactly measurable. We started out a little lost, especially me. With none of the business classes that the other team members had under their belts, I was already swimming uphill.

About two weeks into this, our self-appointed team lead, who had an “I think I’m so amazing that I can take 19 credits and be the team leader” attitude, ended up “resigning” from the class. He wrote all of us a letter explaining that he had taken on too much. Really, idiot, too much? In reality, I believe the majority of the reason he quit to be that this task seemed impossible and he did not want to be on a sinking ship, so he bailed out.We were left with a seemingly impossible task and no team leader. We still had a faculty advisor, but he’s a little hands-off (which I feel is totally appropriate for an MBA course), so we were left to our own devices.

Through a course of events I do not entirely recall, I ended up as the team lead (I still don’t know what I was thinking). I had definitely taken on too much, but I also knew that this was my shot. This was my chance to prove to myself, and whoever else, that I had what it would take to be a successful MBA student. And being the team lead didn’t mean I had to understand everything perfectly, just that I had to coordinate and make sure things were getting done.

To make an extremely long story a little less long, we figured out two ways to measure the value of the company’s culture. We wrote a report and created a Power Point presentation. The executive, we’ll call him Mr. M, who had requested that we do this study came to the university and both teams made presentations. It went well. As our advisor put it, “we hit it out of the park”.

A week later, I received an email from the Mr. M’s assistant telling me that Mr. M would like some of us to come and make the presentation to the executive committee, i.e. the CEO, CFO, COO, etc. Wow. I was blown away. After several emails back and forth, we finally settled on August. At first, it was going to just be me. I was terrified. Not that I can’t make a presentation, but the truth is, as the team lead, I made sure everything happened and I understood the results, but I wasn’t sure that I could explain it all and I certainly wasn’t prepared to answer their questions.

Thankfully, as it turned out, our advisor and another of my team members were able to come, as well. And that is how we arrived in Maryland Monday morning to give this presentation. I realize that’s a lot of background, but I felt like it would be helpful.

Before we headed across the country, we had to tighten things up a bit. We had numbers, but some of the were real time and needed to be changed. The report we turned in initially had a few errors (a common occurrence when all of the people writing/proofreading it are deeply involved), so there was some editing that needed to be done. By the time Monday morning arrived, though, I knew the information in the paper and presentation backwards and forwards.

Monday morning, we, our advisor, my teammate and I, met in the hotel restaurant for breakfast. (I hate eating when I’m nervous, but if I don’t, I risk getting sick). We then had about 45 minutes before we needed to head over to the offices. I went up to my room and began to freak out. I decided that was counterproductive, so I then just recited my part of the presentation over and over in the mirror over the wet-bar. I am not normally a “rehearser”. I’ve always been quite good at giving presentations on the fly. That’s not to say that I don’t prepare, but I don’t have to actually rehearse it, I just have to know the information. But, I’ve never given a present to someone who runs a multi-billion dollar company either, so I felt this change in routine was totally appropriate.

Getting over to the offices was a bit of a fiasco. I thought the building was the one just across from the hotel, so we walked over there. That wasn’t it. We tried the building next to the hotel. Not it either. Finally, we asked someone at the hotel. It turned out that we had asked the bellman, who was also the shuttle driver, and he went ahead and drove us over (it really was just a two minute walk, but I was so glad to be driven and not feel like a lost dog).

Mr. M’s assistant met us in the lobby and we were then taken upstairs to get the boardroom ready. I love technology, but that was the one that was really making me nervous. What if we couldn’t get the presentation up? What if the projector didn’t work? What if? What if? What if?

Well, my fears were unnecessary. The thing is, when you’re talking about a company like this one, everything is built-in. There are tech people available to help you with anything. We had the presentation on the screen (which was not a projector at all, but a huge monitor) and we were ready to go. The company photographer came and took our picture in the boardroom (when I have a copy, I will post it). We then left the boardroom with an hour to kill while the committee met and took care of other business. We got a tour of the building and were treated to Starbuck’s down in the cafeteria.


One of the things I really like about my advisor, a quality I hope to emulate, is his ability to be calm and reassuring without being disingenuous. Of course we were nervous and we could have been discussing the presentation for that hour, getting more and more nervous. But instead, he talked to us about our lives, told us about his kids and then, just before we headed upstairs, he said something like, “Remember, these are just people. Sure, people who run a multi-billion dollar corporation, but they are still people. You know this stuff up and down. You’ve worked hard to get hear. Just be confident and we will be great.”

The meeting was right on schedule. We were invited in right at 10:00. We entered, introduced ourselves and shook hands with all of the committee. And then it was time. I began the presentation and was happy to see that everyone was paying attention and nodding as I shared the background to the study. My team member was next. She went through the first method of our valuation. I was up again to summarize that part and introduce the second method. My advisor took care of the second method. And then I wrapped things up.

The committee had some questions. Obviously, as we were using publicly available information, they have more accurate numbers to work with. All in all, the questions were about what we expected. What I hadn’t expected was how educational this part of the presentation was for me. It was absolutely fascinating to hear the executives interact with each other. It was like a dream. I just kept thinking, “this is where I was meant to be.” I realize that these people did not get into these positions overnight, and I don’t necessarily mean that I expect to be the chief officer of anything, but it was such a great discussion. People disagreed with each other and were respectful and amiable about it. People had different ideas about what to do. People had different questions for us based on what they do for the company. It was such a treat to be able to witness all of this.

And then it was over. We were done. We did get to go to Mr. M’s office and see all of his pictures. You know, the ones where he’s standing with the President…of the United States, and the First Lady, and various other well known individuals. We got to talk about where this might go. There was talk of publication in Forbes or another magazine of the same variety (I can’t remember which one). My advisor will be writing an article for the School of Management magazine…at which point, everything will have been cleared through the company’s legal counsel and I will be able to share the article.

We left feeling really good about it all. My advisor even suggested that it would not be unreasonable to expect that Mr. M might be willing to write me a letter of recommendation for grad school. That led to a discussion about grad school, when I’m taking the GMAT, what kind of things to put in my personal statement and the fact that, while for my immediate financial future, this university (the one where I work), might make the most sense, but that it would be wise to consider all of the variables before deciding where to go. He had some very good advice on the matter and gave me a few things to think about.

We arrived at the airport, had lunch together and then headed to our different gates (we were all on different flights for various reasons). As I sat at my gate, alone, I was once again left with some time to reflect on my life…you know, the deep type of reflection. I thought about how I had arrived at this point and where the future might lead. Basically, the weekend ended just as it began, with this amazing sense of peace about my life and my future.

**Weight Watchers Weekly will be posted sometime this weekend…so that you aren’t waiting on pins and needles, I didn’t go to the meeting this week, not because I didn’t have time, but because it’s what I needed. All will be explained in the post.

weight watchers weekly – week ten

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And here’s what you’ve all been waiting for. I know you missed my deep thoughts last weeks, so here we go.

I’m going to start with the weight loss…because that’s where the thoughts stem from. I lost 1 lb since the last time I was weighed. Two weeks ago. Not my happiest moment. But, better than a gain. And therein lies my problem.

It’s all fine and well that I can talk about how great it is to lose weight slowly, when I’m not losing it slowly. But with this average of .5 lbs/week for the last two weeks, I get to see if I’m buying what I’m selling. I think I am…but I’m not totally convinced. A few more weeks like this and I think I’ll know for sure. But as I write that, I think, “Over my dead body will I have a few more weeks like this.” Do you see my predicament? Why is it that I can cheer for my friend and her weight loss, even if it’s only .2 lbs (and be totally supportive if she gains) but if I don’t lose what I want to lose, I get very frustrated with myself.

The thing is, I can list exactly why I didn’t lose more weight, and it definitely wasn’t lack of exercise. It was Serrano’s and Hogi Yogi and mini-chocolate chips and a sweet tooth that wouldn’t go away and a lack of writing down what I had eaten. Having suffered from so many poor choices (yes, they weren’t my fault…I was suffering the peer-pressure of my sweet tooth and the menus at restaurants that called to me in low, deep, seductive tones…like that damn World Class Chocolate ice cream so many weeks ago), it’s a wonder that I lost any weight.

Okay, enough of that. Let’s talk about the positive (hey…maybe I am buying this whole “slow and steady wins the race” thing). I learned a few very valuable things over the last two weeks. Now, for those of you Diet Coke addicts, you may want to stop reading right now (or at least skip the next paragraph…ignorance is bliss).

First, you all know that I had to give up the drink. It was a sad, sad day. Although, truthfully, now that the addiction is gone (whoever says that caffeine is not a drug is WRONG), I am allowing myself the occasional DC. I’ve had two in the last week. Not bad. Okay…moving on. I really believe that DC hinders weight loss. Now, you may be thinking, “But Chloe, the weeks you were on the drink, you lost much more than these last two weeks”. And you would be correct. But…you didn’t see what I ate over the last two weeks. Between traveling, family dinners and an obsession with frozen yogurt (sure, it’s fat-free, but that doesn’t mean that consuming a quart of it a day won’t do some damage), I am truly amazed that I lost weight. I don’t know if it’s as much the Diet Coke consumption that does it, as the fact that when you are drinking DC, you are not drinking water and water plays a huge role in the losing of the poundage. Either way, I’m a believer.

Second, I really think that sleep makes a huge difference. I know that may sound weird. After all, if you’re sleeping, you’re not moving, you’re not exercising (you’re also not eating), but it seriously makes a difference. And I don’t think it’s all about the “not eating”. I’m sure there are all kinds of physiological reasons why sleep helps, but since I decided soon after that first anatomy class that I was not going to be a doctor, I do not know the reasons why. Just trust me. Get your sleep.

Third, and this is the most important truth I learned this week. I mean, I have known it in theory, but seeing as how I have never put it into practice, I had yet to see it for myself. Losing weight the slow way really does make it so you can have a “bad” week (or two) and recover from it. I know I’ve mentioned that this whole slow program is new for me (and really, I have no room to complain with an average weight loss of 2 lbs a week), and that it was going to be hard for me since starvation and laxative popping really do work so well…you know, until you DIE! But I am a believer after these two weeks.

I’m really not kidding when I tell you that I ate like a horse (do horses even eat a lot?). Between friends leaving, family gatherings and just the normal social stuff, I spent lots of time in restaurants over the last two weeks…and lots of time making treats and eating them…and lots of time enjoying whatever everyone else was eating in the portions everyone else was eating, including regular old pizza (which I don’t even like that much). I finally buckled down once I was back in P-town, but even then I wasn’t tracking like I should have been. And guess what, my body still let go of one whole pound. That is a big deal. Seven years ago, in the throws of my third (and final) bout with eating disorder manifestations (the truth is, once you have one, it really does live with you), I could never have done that. I could never have eaten everything I ate these two weeks and not gained weight. I could have never eaten everything I ate without absolutely hating myself. And I could have never eaten everything I ate without feeling like I had lost all control and just giving up.

The eating disorder mentality still lives in my head. My first reaction when I eat something “bad” is still to be upset with myself. But then I get over it. Then I think about the fact that I am human and, as such, will always enjoy a banana split (and just so you know, according to Aristotelian logic–thank you GMAT prep course–if you do not enjoy a banana split, you are not human…so good luck with that). Then I think about the fact that I have managed, in ten weeks, to lose 23 lbs without once popping a pill, starving myself, throwing up or feeling like I had to spend five hours in the gym. And that is a big deal!

Oh, and in other news (along the same vein) I had to get a suit this week for my “business trip” because one of my fabulous sisters insisted that, when presenting to the board of directors of a multi-billion dollar company, you have to have wear a suit, even if it is Washington, D.C. and it will be a gazillion degrees with 2000% humidity. The same fabulous sister also paid me in advance for services to be rendered (apparently, I’m back to being her slave when I go visit her at the end of September) so that I could afford said suit…and darling shoes. So, why do I share this here, in this post? Because I didn’t have to set one foot in the plus-size section. Not even a toe. Everything I tried on fit me. Some of it was really and truly awful and nothing I would be seen in publicly, but it all fit. Such a great feeling! And I found a fabulous suit, although it did take much searching and many phone calls to find the jacket to go with the most perfect skirt ever made, since the P-town Nordy’s didn’t have it. The skirt, top and shoes are all packed and ready for my flight this evening, and the jacket is awaiting me at the Tyson’s Corner mall, to be picked up on Saturday. Life is good!

busy, busy, busy

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I was out of town this weekend. It was my niece’s baby blessing. She looked just like an angel. I was very busy helping out. It was fabulous.

Being with them down in Arizona actually made me miss it (just a little). I had so much fun with little Madeline and my other nieces and nephew who live down there (and the last nephew who was also in town) but then I tried (tried being the operative word) to do my 10 mile run. In Arizona. In August. After not running all week. I don’t miss it so much. Utah really is an ideal place to train.

I have much to share, but no time to share it. I will be so happy when this week is over. And, in case you’re wondering, my run turned into a run/walk and went from 10 miles to 6.5. It was a bad day. I didn’t make it to WW’s at all because I went to a birthday party with my sister-in-law and her kids in AZ, which was very fun because I got to see lots of friends whom I haven’t seen in a while and I happened to meet Rachelle’s sister, Laurie (it’s a small, small world when you blog)…and I got to play with my nieces and nephew and their little friends on these huge blow up contraptions. I felt like I was 6 all over again.

So…there’s the little update. I do have some commentaries coming that prove to be entertaining, but for now, this will have to do.