Category Archives: confessions

dear you…inspired by the voices in my head

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Dear Common Denominator,

Why the heck can’t you see that the problem is you? You are the only common factor in your seemingly endless trials and frustrations. Would you just figure it out already?

Sincerely,

The girl who is tired of listening to you go on and on and on about how you don’t understand how this happened to you…again

Dear OCD,

Really, it’s time to just stop manifesting yourself in me. I cannot make a decision about where to go to school when I have not yet learned of all my options. And maybe there won’t be any options, and then think of the hours I will have wasted thanks to you and your ever present nagging.

Without any love at all,

The girl you try to send over the edge from the time she wakes up until she goes to sleep…and sometimes even in her dreams

Dear Chubs,

Here’s the thing. If I am ever going to lose weight and feel good about how I look, you are going to have to die. I’m sorry. I now that’s cruel and I’m not really a fan of the death penalty (at least not when I’m killing part of myself), but you and the person I want to become cannot coexist. You are going to have to go. And since it has become apparent that you are not going to leave of your own volition, I must kill you. It may take me a while, and I promise it is going to hurt me more than you realize, but I believe our time together needs to come to an end.

Sincerely,

The girl who is terrified of a reality she has yet to experience, but one who sees that she can’t stand the one she knows any longer

Dear Money Bags,

You know you don’t really exist, right? I know that you think you do. But you don’t. Money does not grow on trees (at least not in my world), so it’s about time you shut up. It is getting ridiculous. I thought that if I stopped going into stores, the tempting and taunting would slowly dissipate. But no. It doesn’t matter that I’m not faced with an onslaught of items I want to purchase for myself or someone else. I have memories of things I wish to purchase and it’s like you have a list of those memories and you just can’t stop sharing. I am sick of you. Why don’t you go bug someone who actual has the means to listen to you?

Sincerely,

The girl who really wants to always pay cash for anything she needs and/or wants for herself or someone else

Dear Historian,

Let it go, already. I can’t change the past. I can’t change my mistakes. I can’t change what I’ve already done. I’ve learned what I can from the past. Why must you constantly berate me with the should’ve, could’ve, and would’ves? I mean, don’t you think I would go back and change things if I could?

Sincerely,

The girl who doesn’t understand why you think she’s a complete idiot

Dear Injured One,

Sometimes people are going to hurt my feelings. Sometimes people are going to be mean on purpose. And sometimes, believe it or not, a person is going to come along who just doesn’t like me. I’m okay with that, or I was until you piped up. I need you to stop whining and let me be. I know I’m a special shade of crazy. I’ve made my peace with it. Why can’t you?

Sincerely,

The girl who just wants to enjoy her life without worrying about whether someone likes her

Dear Pessimist,

You have been around for a long time. You rarely say anything because you know I rarely listen, and yet…it has finally come to my awareness that your timing, above anyone else’s, is absolutely impeccable. You know exactly when to pop up. And I’m so not used to hearing from you that you always catch me off guard. You wait until I am weak, after something else has gotten me down, and then, BAM!, there you are, in my face, and I have nothing left to stop you. The thing is, I always end up with new weapons in my arsenal, so maybe it’s time you just let me be. Fighting you is so exhausting and the collateral damage is totally unnecessary. I mean, you are never going to win the war, so can’t you just give up the battles, too.

Sincerely,

The girl who is totally optimistic at heart, but sometimes just gets squashed

P.S. I don’t really have voices in my head…well, none that aren’t my own.

the 100 calorie pack

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There are two main problems that we Americans face in our battle against the bulge according to Obesity in America (and common sense):

“Weight gain and obesity are caused by consuming more calories than the body needs – most commonly by eating a diet high in fat and calories, being sedentary or both.”

Duh.

So, for those of us who do not have internal mechanisms to tell us to stop stuffing our faces, or who have emotional needs that are often soothed through the consumption of food (I fall into both of thoee categories), portion control and exercise are key.

I can generally get the exercise in. It’s the sweets I cannot give up. I was made to consume chocolate. My mom used to call me her little chocoholic. I have tried and inevitably, I end up returning to the treats I love so much. And, after a period of deprivation, I will admit that I have been known to eat an entire pan of brownies in one day (no, not one sitting). I cannot give up my sweets. I know people who just say, “So, just practice moderation. Eat one brownie, instead of the whole pan.” Yeah, well try being me.

I have a brother (not the funny one who comments on my blog) who just gives up sugar anytime he wants to lose weight. He will just not eat any bread, sugar, whatever…except for the occasional handful of chocolate chips. If only I had that kind of control. If only I could stop at a handful of chocolate chips without returning to the bag over and over again until I’m frustrated with myself and angry at my lack of control.

Enter the 100 Calorie Packs! These are my control. These are treats with limits. These are my little two point wonders that satisfy my sugar needs and keep me sane. Sure, I could eat a lot of them, thereby negating their benefits, but that requires opening a new package…a process that requires thought and gives me time for reflection, “Do I really want this?”

And, as Nabisco has begun the trend, many other companies are following suit. My current favorite (satisfying both my ice-cream and chocolate needs) are chocolate enrobed vanilla ice-cream bars by Klondike (they don’t have a name). They give me what I need in 100 calories. I love them!

money talks

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And while, as Neil put it, “it don’t sing and dance and it don’t walk”, it sure is nice.

Today marks the end of my first real week of the cash budget. And I made it. I want to thank everyone who left comments on my last money post. They have all been very helpful. I decided, as a means of transitioning, to start with the cash system. I allotted myself an amount for two weeks. I pulled it out on my payday, as suggested by my cousin, and divided it. If it was all in one lump, I knew it would have been gone before week two began.

So, here’s what happened. I went to the grocery store; out went half my budget day one. Then, day two, I had to pick up a prescription at Target and found a really, really cute sweater. I assessed my money situation. Considered what my plans were for the next six days, and purchased it.

Pause a moment and think about that. I considered before purchasing a non-necessity item. Not all of you will appreciate how major that is, but I assure you, it is HUGE.

I was left with almost enough money for the rest of my plans, which included going out to eat twice, a movie at the expensive theater (sorry, “regularly priced”), and treats. Some of you better budgeting people are probably guffawing in response to my “movie” and “treats”, but remember that this is very, very new for me. New, as in never been done before. It’s about baby steps, my friends. Baby. Steps. So I think $3 over budget is pretty darn good. And for now, that $3 is coming out of next weeks budget.

So, what did I learn? I really do like to spend money, although I knew that. I don’t often think about what the spending means to my life. I can eat out without ordering a soda…not that I did. I really do love to buy books. The money I make can go a lot further than I ever imagined. It is possible to end a pay period with money left over.

What did I sacrifice? A number of new songs on iTunes, most of which I can’t recall. Eating out a few times. The shirt that I wanted in addition to the sweater I purchased. I think that’s it. Or at least that’s what I remember. It just goes to show how impulse buying is really more about the rush than actually wanting the item. I hate when other people are right about my issues. Hate. It.

My goal for this week? Take Lisa’s advice and write down where the cash is going. The “zero-balance” will come, I think.

the fabulous life of…

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And why is my life fabulous? (No, it’s not because I have heard from the aforementioned school and was accepted.) It’s because I get to park in the garage.

This may seem minor for all of you non-snow state dwellers, but I assure you it is a big deal. About a month ago, I made an off-handed remark to my dad, on the way out the door, about how I knew that the deepest desire of his heart was to clean out the middle garage stall so that I could park there for the winter. This is how I generally make requests to my father. He knows that when I say, “I bet you really want to…”, I will be asking for something.

To be honest, this was one I didn’t think would happen, but when I arrived home I had a garage door opener waiting on the railing by my front door (yes, I have my own front door, located in said garage) and my dad magically appeared to receive the praise that he totally deserved. My dad is rad!

Last week, the chain on the garage door broke, rendering my garage door opener completely obsolete. I was forced (yes, forced) to park outside in the cold for three whole days. It was awful…but considering there was no snow, it was not so bad. Last night, I arrived home to a new (much smaller, much nicer) garage door opener on my railing.

I woke up to a huge snow storm. There was already about six inches on the driveway. As usual, I got to be late (3 am…the joys of more school applications), and thus, did not want to get out of bed, so I didn’t until about 30 minutes after I should have. You cannot my joy at the realization, after peering out the window, that my car was parked in the nice warm garage and there would be no standing in the freezing cold scraping the mounds of snow from the windows.

Yes…I am totally spoiled. Isn’t better that I know it and appreciate it, though?

P.S. In case you are wondering, I have yet to hear from the school mentioned in my previous post. I have now been invited to interview with four of the five schools to which I have already applied. And I am in the process of applying to four more. January 15th, the day the last application is due, will be such a happy, happy day!

P.P.S. In case you were curious, my brother is hilarious. His is comment number 2! I love that kid.

back in the saddle

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Since finishing my first marathon, I have been running a total of three times. And two of those times were for races. Three times in three months…nice. With an injury, work, school, applications, interviewing, traveling, holidays, volunteering and my social life (yes, my social life beats exercise hands down…which is why I am so happy when I can combine the two), running got put on the back burner.

I decided to not be too hard on myself and told myself that I would get back into it once the tonsils had healed (which they are not entirely, but I’m clear to exercise as it’s been two weeks). So that is what I did today. Yesterday, I decided to ease my way back into things with a little Hip Hop Abs action (one of the great benefits of living alone…I can do workout videos anytime I want with no fear of mocking!)

Anyway, I’m in training for my next race, the Canyonlands Half Marathon, and I have every intention of PR-ing (I love forming my own gerunds) and if that’s what I want to accomplish, I have got to get my arse in gear. And today was the day to start. Thank goodness for treadmills.

I packed my bag this morning, and then realized that I had forgotten part of the Nike+. That was almost enough to make me not go running. I wanted my run recorded in my iPod. But, somehow I managed to get over that, and off to the gym I went right after work!

For anyone who has been through the cycle of working out, not working out, and working out again, you know just how not fun and not easy the “working out again” part of the cycle is. The excuses are endless. Discouragement and hope seem to fight it out in your head daily. Just under three months ago I ran 26.2 miles…and today? Well, 3.3 miles almost killed me. This is the battle of my life, and it’s a battle I intend to keep fighting. So I was a snail today, and every part of me hurt, and I thought my lungs were going to collapse and my heart was going to explode. I survived, and the next run will be better!

Onward and upward, right?