weight watchers weekly – week eight

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I am not my weight.

That was the theme of last night’s meeting. The instructor had different print advertisements up on the board…all from the Weight Watchers magazine…all thin, beautiful models. Her point was that society really is always speaking to us about what we should look like. And the message society is sending is wrong. She shared the “average” model statistics, which were not surprising at all. The BMI of the average model is 2 units under what is consider “underweight” or “malnourished” and four points under the lowest BMI Weight Watchers will allow before a member can no longer be part of the program. And this is what we are all striving for?

Besides that little tidbit at the beginning, most of the meeting revolved around the thoughts we have and the things we say to ourselves about ourselves. And then, how to combat those negative thoughts. And the instructor shared a Buddhist quote, “With our thoughts we make the world.” So true.

I have thought a lot recently about what this all means for me: losing weight and running this marathon. I think, originally, the weight loss started as a desire to be this perfect package. Yep…I’m admitting it. It was all about the superficial. I have always struggled with my weight and I have always let that get in the way of my life…well, my love life. And while I don’t necessarily want to get married any time soon, I do want to believe that it’s possible…and, up until recently, I just didn’t believe it was without fixing my “packaging”. While I have watched friends and acquaintances much heavier than I was date and marry, I just didn’t understand how that happened. Here’s a little insight into my warped mind: I would always ask myself how on earth someone could want to marry them when they were that heavy?

I had bought what society was selling, hook, line and sinker. I really truly believed that no guy would ever find me attractive weighing what I weighed (which, incidentally is about what I weigh right now…today). It didn’t matter that I was smart, and funny, and talented in many other areas of my life. I didn’t come in the right packaging, so none of those other things mattered. No one would ever see what was inside because they didn’t like the package.

As life went on and I matured (about two years ago), I started to see things differently. I started to see that these men who had married these girls that I knew really did love them and really did find them attractive. Well, I’d like to say that this revelation helped me, but it didn’t really…at first. I am reminded of a scene from Someone Like You. Jane (Ashley Judd) is sitting on her bed and Eddie (Hugh Jackman) asks her why she is holding on to her stupid one cow theory. The conversation goes back and forth and finally, Jane says, ” Because if this theory is wrong, men don’t leave all women, Eddie, they leave me.” Upon discovering that men really could love fat women, suddenly I realized there must be something else wrong with me.

And I would now like to introduce you to “something else”: I truly believed that I, looking the way I did, was not good enough to deserve a relationship. Period. It didn’t matter that I had all of these other things going for me. It didn’t make a difference in the world. So, prior to there ever being any kind of possibility for a relationship, I had already decided that I wasn’t thin enough or pretty enough for someone, anyone, to want to date me and so I made sure it didn’t happen.

After years of this, with the help of a few absolutely beautiful men (inside and out) whom I did date, I discovered that I was attractive and dateable. And yes, it would be wonderful if I could have discovered that all on my own, but there’s something that happens when a guy looks into your eyes and with all sincerity, tells you that he thinks you are beautiful that just doesn’t happen when I do the same thing to myself.

I was the one who had made the decision that men wouldn’t like me. I was the one who could call them all jerks because of my theory. I was the one making my lack of relationships their fault. Slowly, I began to see the light. It wasn’t that there was something else wrong with me. It wasn’t that there was anything wrong with me at all, except that I believed that something was wrong with me…okay, and perhaps I am a very pale shade of crazy, but who isn’t?

And there is a matter of attraction and there have been, and will continue to be, guys that simply are not attracted to me. And there have been, and will continue to be, guys that I am simply not attracted to. And, unfortunately, when you have told yourself the same lie for 15+ years, I don’t know if the echoes ever completely silence themselves…so, when I do find myself attracted to a guy, the first thought in my head is that he won’t think I’m attractive…but I am learning to silence those thoughts quickly.

Tonight, as I sat in this meeting and we discussed “talking back to the lies” (yes, it’s a bit like group therapy) I realized that I am on the right path. As I said, the echoes of the lies are still there, but I am getting really good at telling them to…well, I won’t tell you exactly what I say to them, but I make them go away. And while I still don’t love the way I look, I have this amazing appreciation for what my body can do and how blessed I am to have it.

I know I said this in my last post, but I really believe that my life has worked exactly as it should have. I believe that my trials are mine for a reason. And while I have wondered over the past few weeks why the heck I couldn’t have figured all of this weight stuff out five, or ten, or fifteen years ago, I have a feeling that this, too, is exactly as it should be. My mind needed to be ready before my body could be.

And now to the weight part of this weight loss journey. I lost 3 lbs this week, making for a total of 22 lbs. Even through the hormonal binging. The keys for this week? Even with the chocolate cravings (and consumption) I still wrote everything down. I didn’t verbally abuse myself, even one time, for eating too much or making poor choices…I just accepted it for what it was, gave myself a little pep talk and moved forward. And, as always, I exercised.

ms. elizabeth goes to washington

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So, Elizabeth isn’t my last name, it’s my middle name, but it worked better in the title..and I try to avoid using the last name on the blog. Moving on…

Winter semester of this year I took some classes through the university where I am currently employed (they have great tuition benefits – free). The point was to get my GPA up. I screwed around during the undergrad years, having every intention of marrying well and being a stay at home mom…Okay, not really, but I did plan on going to cosmetology school after finishing (which I did), and that required no college at all…so it didn’t really matter what my GPA was. What mattered was that I graduated and my dad was happy.

A little background, and no I don’t do hair. I became a licensed esthetician. I worked at a great salon and spa for about four years after finishing school, managed to move my way up the ranks into a management position and then I started to really like the managing end of things and a little graduate school seed was planted. A five year plan started to form, I just wasn’t sure how to make it happen with my crappy GPA and the fact that I knew my job wouldn’t be thrilled about me leaving. But all things fell into place when I decided that, after quitting my job, renting out my house and moving across the country for a boy, I didn’t actually want to marry that boy.

Having my life fall apart and finding myself living at home (with the dad) in Utah was the last “little” push I needed. The sad news was that those years of skiing while I should have been studying would not help me get accepted into any program, so part of the plan needed to include retaking at least one class (in case you’re in school and considering skipping out on a final because you are getting a bad grade, I submit to you that that is a very bad idea), and taking at least two more to a) raise the GPA, b) prove that I have changed my ways and c) test the waters to make sure this is what I want to do. The good news was that by moving back home and finding my current job, I was in a great position to do exactly what needed to be done.

And after that long explanation, we’re back to winter semester. I took 3 classes. One was an English class I basically failed the first time around, the final I went ahead and didn’t take (happy to report I got an A-…up went the GPA), the second was Accounting (another A-) and the third was a field studies course through the MBA program (I got an A – very promising). I’m not sure what the heck I was thinking signing up for a graduate level field studies course, working with a team of graduate students, but whatever. I signed up.

You would think that just participating in a graduate course would be enough for me…especially when this is the second semester for most of the students who are in this class with me. And really, it would have been. But then our team lead bailed on the project and we were left leaderless…so what do i do? You know, the girl who’s working full-time, not in the program, taking 2 other classes. I go right ahead and volunteer to take over. The next four months of my life were absolutely insane. The project we were working on was next to impossible. I felt lost and overwhelmed regularly. I won’t go into details here because a) I don’t want to bore you to death, even though I think it’s exciting and b) I can’t because the information is proprietary, but just know that the fact that I survived and that things went well was a miracle. And not a small one.

The project finally came to an end. We actually ended up making some very useful discoveries and the presentation went extremely well. So well, in fact, that I received a phone call a few weeks later to see if a few members of my team would be able to fly out to this company’s corporate headquarters in Washington, D.C. and present our findings (an abridged version) to the board of directors. Really. Truly. All expenses paid.

Well, many months later and after lots of schedule changes and much disbelief, the plane tickets are booked, the meeting is scheduled, the presentation has been revised and in less than three weeks, we will have made a presentation to the board of directors of a multi-billion (yes, billion) dollar corporation. I know there are lots of people out there who do things like this on a regular basis, but I am not one of them.

I am terrified and thrilled all at the same time…and I cannot wait for it to be over.

This is seriously the opportunity of a lifetime (well, of my lifetime thus far), not to mention a huge help in the “getting into grad school” process. And, while the main purpose of going is this presentation, I am super excited because I get to meet Anne, as she will play my tour guide and running buddy over the weekend…unfortunately the running must go on.

Sometimes, I look at my life and wonder why it has all worked out the way it has. I can trace back from where I am and see how every little event has played out exactly right (even the awful, horrible trials) to get me to here. I feel like my life has been a series of situations where I have been in the right place at the right time. Today is one of those days when I just feel truly blessed.

vietnamese chicken salad

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It has recently come to my attention that I am not very good at reading all the way through a recipe before making it (and that, even if I do, I sometimes glaze over important steps), thereby making mistakes along the way. Case in point, this recipe tells you to poach, cool and shred the chicken. I, however, cooked it on a grill pan.

So, I am telling you now, if you are going to make this recipe, read all the way through it. The chicken doesn’t go onto the salad until after the dressing, and the peanuts go on last of all.

Salad

  • 5 c sliced green cabbage
  • 1 c julienned carrots
  • 1/2 c shredded red onion
  • 1/4 c fresh mint chopped
  • 1/4 c cilantro chopped
  • 1 lb chicken breast, poached, cooled and shredded
  • 1/2 c roasted peanuts, chopped

Dressing

  • 6 Tbsp fresh lime juice (must be fresh)
  • 1/4 c fish sauce
  • 1 tsp sugar
  • 1 tsp Asian chili sauce

Combine cabbage, carrots, onion, mint and cilantro. Add dressing. Add chicken. Let stand for 10 minutes. Add peanuts to top.

Yields 6 servings: 5 points each

2 point granola bars

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This is a recipe that a coworker gave to me and the bars are absolutely delicious. I tweaked it just a bit and here is that version.

  • 4 c Old-fashioned or steel cut oats (not Quick)
  • 1 c wheat bran
  • 1/4 c soy protein powder
  • 1/2 c roasted peanuts coarsely chopped
  • 2 tsp cinnamon
  • 1/4 c brown sugar
  • 1/2 c light corn syrup
  • 1/2 c sugar-free maple syrup
  • 1 t vanilla
  • 1/2 cup mini chocolate chips

Mix first four ingredients together in a large bowl. In a small saucepan mix 1/4 c maple syrup and 1/4 c corn syrup and bring to boil. Coat oat mixture with hot syrup mixture and spread into one very large or two 13 x 9” pans and toast for 25-30 minutes at 350 degrees.

Cool for a few minutes so the rest of the syrup doesn’t make it soggy.

Boil 1/4 brown sugar, 1/4 c maple syrup, and 1/4 c corn syrup for 2 minutes. Take off heat and add vanilla. Mix well with toasted oat mixture.

Allow to cool so chocolate chips won’t melt, then add chips and spread into 1 very large or 2 pans depending on the thickness you want. Let set at room temp or in the fridge and cut into 24 pieces.