This weekend was absolutely fantastic. I could not have imagined just how much I needed it and just what an effect being together with all of these fabulous women would have on me. Once upon a time, this little group of girls were fortunate enough to all end up in Apartment 310 and become fast friends. Today, while lives have changed and diverged, we still are the best of friends and it was so good to have the gang back together again.

I wish I could explain what it was like for the six of us to get together. It’s different than having a “best friend” or a “close friend”. The dynamic of a group of friends is just not the same. We are all so different, and yet those differences are what makes us such a great combination. Each one of us brings something wonderful to the table and I cannot imagine this group without any one of its current members. It’s something I don’t think will ever be duplicated in my life and I feel so blessed to have this because I don’t think it’s very common.

The six of us met in Las Vegas. We laughed as we reminisced about our silly antics. We cried as we shared some of the trials of the last few years. We remembered what we were like then and remarked how we have all changed. We shopped like crazy and talked for hours. And while the conversations have evolved from boys (our favorite topic back then) to things that are somewhat more meaningful, there were moments when I really felt like I was 19 again and this weekend was the norm, rather than the exception. And there were moments when I missed that carefree life (hindsight can be really distorted sometimes), but then I looked at the six of us and the amazing women we have all become and I realized I wouldn’t go back. I love where we are today. I love how our friendship has grown, deepened, and changed.

It appeared to be the quintessential “girls’ weekend” and anyone looking at us would have thought we had not a care in the world. I imagine that some people would have even looked at us and thought that we were all about shopping and having fun. Neither of those things would be true.

What is true is that with all of my trials and stresses, and all of my triumphs and joys, my life is so much better because I have these women with whom to share it. And it’s not because I talk to them every day, or even every month; it’s because when I need them, I know they will be there. And I will do the same for them.

When I was in Europe, I managed to leave my entire wallet in a taxi. Yes. The whole thing. Passport included. We were in Berlin headed to the airport to go to Paris. I had been rearranging my bags to make my wallet more accessible for security…and apparently it fell out of my bag.

Anyway, as I was sitting (crying) in the Berlin airport hoping and praying that somehow Berlin Air would let me on my flight to Paris, I considered how blessed I am to have the freedom I have in my life. At the time I was thinking of how miserable it would have been to be stuck behind the Iron Curtain. Not necessarily because it was so horrible (I think some people were perfectly content), but just to know that you couldn’t leave. That would be awful. Similar to how I felt while sitting in the Berlin airport.

Yesterday I started to think about freedom in a different way. With this return to weight loss dedication, I started thinking about my motivation for wanting to lose weight. I mean, is it that I want to date more? Is that I want to look better? Is it that I want to be healthier?

And in all of those thoughts, what kept pushing through was the desire to be free; free from the extra weight, free from food addiction, free from feeling limited by my weight, free from worry about what to wear, or what I’m going to look like doing whatever activity, or how I’m going to get off the freaking LoveSac, and more than anything, free from constantly thinking about being fat. Constantly. Seriously…it’s exhausting.

I am extremely blessed in that I have zero addictions. My religious beliefs are such that I am pretty well protected from any number of awful concerns, but a person has to eat. If I could just cut that out cold turkey it wouldn’t be a problem. But I can’t. So it’s back to the struggle. And I don’t know that this will be the last time I need to recommit to losing weight or the last time I will weigh this much. I hope it is, but it may not be.

For now, though, the desire to be free from this burden is driving me. I hope that continues. I hope in those moments when I just want to give in, I remember that I don’t really. What I really want is, as Mel Gibson put it so nicely in Braveheart, FREEDOM!!!

That is my word for 2009. Listen.

As someone who has a strong personality and loves to talk, listening is not something I always do well. I mean, I try, but at the same time, I don’t. I often find myself listening to talk. Someone starts talking about something and suddenly my mind is running with everything I think about that subject. I hate it…but I do it.

So for 2009…I’m going to LISTEN!

Taking this a step further, I’m also going to work on really listening to myself. How am I feeling? Why? What do I really think? etc.

I’m excited! So, no more carbonation and lots more listening.

I need to:

• be less full of myself
• give less advice
• believe that I am someone worth dating
• figure out how to be confident, but not obnoxious
• be humble, but not self-deprecating
• keep my first impressions to myself
• always be kind
• think before I speak
• not have to be the leader of everything
• believe that others (even those I would deem less intelligent than I) might know more than I do
• create a budget
• have more faith
• pray to get married…okay, maybe just to date for now
• believe I can lose weight
• read more
• eat less
• let others lead me
• take less advice, when it’s not wanted
• keep the Sabbath better
• work harder
• procrastinate less
• prioritize better

Now the question is, how do I change those behaviors? What goals do I set for myself? I just don’t know. Something to think about.

I’m still trying to figure out what to do: marketing or OB/HR? I know I don’t have to know tomorrow, but since when do I care about such things. I want to know yesterday. So I talked to someone in marketing at HP today. It was not the most uplifting conversation, but it was definitely helpful.

The bottom line is that I probably don’t have enough experience to get the type of marketing jobs I would want out of school. The I was talking to a girl in my class who has a background in the tech industry and she made the comment, “just knowing you the little I do, I think you’d be great in OB/HR”. As much as I appreciate that, it was a little discouraging if, in fact I do decide to do marketing.

Here are my big hangups with OB/HR. First of all it has a stigma. Now, that’s kind of a ridiculous reason to not do something, but it’s there. It exists. I must face that. Next, it’s not as “sexy” as marketing and I’d like to do something “sexy”. Third, I kind of feel like it’s not actually doing anything, just facilitating others to do things. And while facilitating is important, if these teams could just get their crap together then it’s possible that it would become obsolete.

And the pushes toward OB/HR. For one, I have no idea how long I will have a career in the traditional sense. The skills I will learn in OB/HR are totally transferable, whether I’m volunteering for a non-profit, holding a church calling, running the PTA (and I cannot believe I just said that), and even beyond this life. I don’t want to plan my life around what ifs, but I think it’s important to think about transferability.

Next is the fact that, with marketing, I can only see myself really passionate about a few types of products. Because OB/HR deals in people, I am less concerned about the types of products a company makes than I am about the culture of that company and how they view OB/HR. I think this will open many more doors to me in the future.

Third is my own experience and what I bring to the table. The fact of the matter is that I have almost no marketing experience. If we are talking about the traditional sense, then I really have none. I want to get a job, and I’d like it to be a good one. If going into OB/HR means that I can do that, while still doing something I enjoy, I think that’s an important piece to consider. Along those same lines is feeling confident about my abilities throughout the interview process and into the work itself. As much as I might like it to be otherwise, the bottom line is that I am confident in my abilities in OB/HR thus far.

Oh, another negative is that it is an area dominated by women. I was hoping to get away from that on some level. But whatever.

Anyway, I think that’s enough on that subject for now, other than the fact that I spoke with Alex Johnson today (it was a great chat about Cisco) and he mentioned that Megan Hundley, the Cisco rep that was at the OB/HR rafting trip, commented that I would be someone she would like to see interview with Cisco (or something to that effect). That made me feel really good, but I definitely don’t want to become overly confident in my abilities or my desirability.

So much to think about. So much to consider.

In other news, my team is doing well so far. It’s not the team I would have chosen AT ALL, but I think we’ll work well together. I do have some concerns about Wagner Dias in that I think he is one who has to get every thought he has out there and, frankly there’s just not time for that. Okay, I have more than one concern, but for now, I think focusing on how I can best contribute rather than my concerns about others is going to be the most beneficial way to go. Not only that, but I feel like it’s too early in the game to really freak out.

I think I’ve pretty well decided on OB/HR, but for some reason I don’t want that to be the answer. Is it because I’m stubborn, or because I’m overlooking something???