When I was in Europe, I managed to leave my entire wallet in a taxi. Yes. The whole thing. Passport included. We were in Berlin headed to the airport to go to Paris. I had been rearranging my bags to make my wallet more accessible for security…and apparently it fell out of my bag.
Anyway, as I was sitting (crying) in the Berlin airport hoping and praying that somehow Berlin Air would let me on my flight to Paris, I considered how blessed I am to have the freedom I have in my life. At the time I was thinking of how miserable it would have been to be stuck behind the Iron Curtain. Not necessarily because it was so horrible (I think some people were perfectly content), but just to know that you couldn’t leave. That would be awful. Similar to how I felt while sitting in the Berlin airport.
Yesterday I started to think about freedom in a different way. With this return to weight loss dedication, I started thinking about my motivation for wanting to lose weight. I mean, is it that I want to date more? Is that I want to look better? Is it that I want to be healthier?
And in all of those thoughts, what kept pushing through was the desire to be free; free from the extra weight, free from food addiction, free from feeling limited by my weight, free from worry about what to wear, or what I’m going to look like doing whatever activity, or how I’m going to get off the freaking LoveSac, and more than anything, free from constantly thinking about being fat. Constantly. Seriously…it’s exhausting.
I am extremely blessed in that I have zero addictions. My religious beliefs are such that I am pretty well protected from any number of awful concerns, but a person has to eat. If I could just cut that out cold turkey it wouldn’t be a problem. But I can’t. So it’s back to the struggle. And I don’t know that this will be the last time I need to recommit to losing weight or the last time I will weigh this much. I hope it is, but it may not be.
For now, though, the desire to be free from this burden is driving me. I hope that continues. I hope in those moments when I just want to give in, I remember that I don’t really. What I really want is, as Mel Gibson put it so nicely in Braveheart, FREEDOM!!!