Category Archives: sgm

the road that gets you there

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I often have blog posts that just sit in my head. Really, I have always been like this, long before I started blogging. Essays form in my brain. I don’t know if that happens to any of you, but for as long as I can remember, when some experience causes reflection or learning, an entire essay, well speech really, forms in my head. I even go through drafts and rewrites in my mind. Yes, I am a bit odd. I also “see” everything I say, like it’s a ticker through my brain and, when I read books (fiction in particular) I see it like a computer animated movie, as opposed to real life…although I’m actively trying to change that. I used to think everyone saw things as animated, but apparently I was wrong.

Back to the essays. Now that I do have a blog, I have a place to write them down. I don’t always. Some of my thoughts are too personal to share on the internet (yes, even I have sharing limits). And some experiences are too, what I would call, sacred for me to just put out there, which is a bit different than too personal. I had one of those experiences this weekend, and while I don’t want to go into detail, I do want to share some of my thoughts about it.

I thought a lot about life this weekend. You know, Life…with a capital “L”. The big picture. I think part of it was being by the ocean. Something about having grown up near the ocean and my absolute love of water makes any time I am near it a kind of ethereal experience. Yep, even when I’m just lying on the beach in a bathing suit. Another part consisted of my great conversations with Katie. And the final element was a run I took Sunday morning. Yes, I went running on Sunday, along the beach, and I feel good about it. In fact, it was while running (a time when epiphanies often occur) that the post began to form.

There are times in life when bad things happen. Hard things. Things I don’t understand. Things I don’t ever want to relive. Things that hurt me so deeply, I don’t know if I will ever feel whole again, if I will ever heal. And in those moments of pain, while in the depths of despair, the world does not make sense to me.

But then the rains stop, the winds calm, and the sun begins to make the world better again.

Not only better, but a funny thing has happened. The rain has prepared me for beautiful gardens. The wind has knocked down a few trees that needed to go. I wish it didn’t have to be so painful. I wish that the gardens could grow without the storms. But that’s just not the way it works. What became so clear to me, again, this weekend, is just how intimately God knows us. He knows when to allow the storms and when to calm them.

My trip to California was totally last minute. Emailing Katie out of the blue to see if I could stay with her was really random. The fact that she was in town was amazing. And all of these things needed to happen for me to have the experience I had. And, until the moment it happened, I don’t think I would have been ready for it. The storm that had been raging calmed, but it couldn’t have calmed any sooner because all of the rain and wind I needed wasn’t there until yesterday.

I just don’t know how I could go through life and not believe that there is more to it than what we see. And sometimes I forget, but then I stand at the edge of the ocean, after swimming through the crashing waves, stronger for the swim, and it all makes so much sense.

14 miles that didn’t happen

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*Photos to come…I couldn’t take my camera, so I have to wait until Sarah posts some on her blog and steal them.

For the first time since beginning my path to the finish line, I skipped out on a long run. Having read my struggle with last week’s (that I did this week) long run, I hope you are able to grasp just how exhausted I must have been to miss out on a long run. I went to bed Friday night fully intending to run. I knew I was tired and it was a shorter run (you know, as compared to 18 or 20 miles) so I set my alarm for 7:30. It’s cooled off quite a bit, and my run was four miles longer on Monday, so I figured starting a bit later would be fine.

My alarm went off at 7:30 am. I grabbed the alarm (aka my cell phone) and turned it off. No snooze. No argument in my head. No voice with which to reckon. It was over before it began. And, do you know what? I slept until 11:00 am! I was so tired. Normally, I’m not one for sleeping in, even when I have the time. It creates what my brother Brad calls a “blah day”. I know you know what I’m talking about, and while sleeping in may not be the cause of a “blah day” in your world, it is in mine.

However, in this whole journey of running and weight loss I am really coming to know myself, my limitations and my strengths. And yesterday, my body just couldn’t do it. Between my crazy first week of the semester at work, beginning a class, diving into the grad school application process, a religion class, and various social engagements, sleep was just not on the priority list. I think part of the problem was also that, due to my lack of running during the week, I had a lot of built up stress. I’m amazed at how exercising really gives energy more than it takes it.

In any case, I was so tired yesterday that I couldn’t even stay awake long enough to argue my way into or out of running. In fact, I barely remember turning off the alarm. The good news is, due to a full social calendar yesterday (which included only one event, but took most of my day), I did not have a “blah day”. In fact, I’ve discovered that the only remedy for potential blahness is participation in a meaningful, useful, or somehow otherwise enriching activity.

Yesterday, it was the Jamboree Music Festival. I headed over to Sarah’s at about 1:00 pm. We weren’t sure exactly what time we wanted to get there, but we figured we had a little time to spare, so we headed to lunch and then to Barnes and Noble…where I purchased a book on resumes. We then headed to the festival.

It was fantastic. The first few bands that we heard were not bands that either of us were a) familiar with or b) super impressed by, but they provided for some great background music as I read through my book of MBA application essays (yes, I have a one-track-mind right now) and periodically looked up to people watch. I love people watching! And Sarah is one of my favorite people with whom to people watch. I could sit all day and just do that.

After a few mediocre, but full of potential, bands played (and I include Colbie Caillat in that bunch…she’s just not that good live), The Format finally took the stage and so my attention was turned completely to the stage (and gawking at the bad dancers who surrounded us). The Format is so good live. I was a fan before, but something about hearing a band you love playing live and doing it well, it’s just enough to make a girl swoon.

They were followed by Toad the Wet Sprocket who made jokes about the fact that many members of the audience would probably find their tunes vaguely familiar, as they probably heard them in the womb. Of course, I am not among that group and remember well the days when I would put “Walk on the Ocean” on repeat. Oh wait, not repeat. Repeat didn’t exist in my tape deck. When I would listen to it and then rewind the cassette, trying to master my timing so as to stop the rewind process at the beginning of the song. Those were the days.

Last, and most importantly, was Dashboard Confessional (and Justin, they played your new favorite…it was amazing). Sarah went over while Toad was still on and was standing about two feet from Chris Carrabba. As she’s the superfan, I stayed at the blanket to ensure we didn’t lose our spot or our stuff. What a show. I wish you all could have been there. Seriously incredible. Great musicians and great performers. And how glad was I that I hadn’t run, but chose to slept in so that I wasn’t completely miserable during the concert? Very, very glad.

And that is how my non-running left me happy and content. There will be no repeat of said non-running between now and the marathon, but it was a nice break. Tomorrow, the running is back in action, full force.

18 miles…with the end in sight

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Due to the aforementioned GMAT, my long run was postponed until Monday. Sad that I literally changed a trip to California in order to take the GMAT during a long weekend so that I wouldn’t miss my long run. I should be committed…not I am committed (which I am), but I should be committed.

Anyway, I went to bed relatively early Sunday night, so I thought I would be good to go Monday morning, but I was wrong. First of all, I set my alarm too early. Remember the last time I ran super early in the morning, before it started to get light? Well, I felt no need to relive that experience, so when I saw, at 5:30, that it was still pitch black outside, I hit snooze. I’m amazed at the effect the snooze button has on my mind. As soon as I allow myself to think, “Hmm, maybe I don’t have to get up right now,” my mind decides to take that thought and run with it. During the hour and a half I spent lying in my bed, hitting the snooze button every eight minutes, I thought of every reason I didn’t need to get up and spend 3.5 hours on my feet, running.

I was tired. My head hurt. I had eaten way too much crap on Sunday…and Saturday…and Friday for that matter. I had a mild case of heartburn (one more reason to eat healthy food). My little brother and his family were in town and I could spend more time with them. I haven’t slept in for over 4 months, unless 8:00 on Sunday counts. With as late as it was getting, it was sure to be hot by the time I was done. What on earth made me think running a marathon was a good idea? No one would think I was a bad person for not choosing to run 18 miles.

But then this little voice, the voice that has seen me through every tough decision I’ve ever made, the voice that drives me to keep going even when I’m sure I’m going to fail, started to whisper, “You can do this. You want to do this. You live for these runs.” And then the whisper got louder, “When have you ever let a little headache stop you. Think about how you will feel this afternoon if you don’t run. Think of how amazing you will feel after you have. Remember when you were at the park last night and you were telling Justin and Cherity that, in the morning, you would be running from two miles further up the canyon all the way down to Utah lake and Justin said that he wouldn’t even drive that far to meet someone for lunch? Remember how good it felt when you thought about the fact that your body can run that far?”

Pretty soon it got loud enough to be really irritating, “You are not a quitter. You are a runner. You are a doer. You are not lazy. You feel bad about all of the crap you’ve eaten, but think of how much worse you will feel if you don’t run. If you get up now, you’ll be done before 12. It won’t be that hot and the last few miles are pretty well shaded. Get up, eat a little something, take a couple of Ibuprofen and get on with it already. You know you are going to do this, so why are you putting it off? It’s only going to make it worse.”

My mind beat my matter. As it always does. I often laugh after conversations such as these because they are truly an exercise in futility. My matter rarely ever wins and, frankly, arguing with my mind is pretty exhausting, especially because it totally prohibits any kind of rest that might otherwise be enjoyed. But, being the stubborn mule that I sometimes can be, I often try the arguments out, just to make sure I’m not losing my debating skills.

So, after much discussion (in my head…yes, I’ve already told you, I’m slightly crazy) I got out of bed, ate half a Cliff Bar, took two Ibuprofen, got dressed, gathered up my gear and I was off. I headed up the canyon and started to feel more and more excited about the prospect of having run (yes, being done with) 18 miles. While the running was a little painful at first (I really did eat a ton of crap all weekend long…something that often happens when my siblings are in town…only because I think it’s an excuse), the scenery was amazing. There was a whole little family of deer at the end of the road where I begin my run. The trees have already started to turn and the colors were absolutely gorgeous. My lack of desire to run was superseded by the sheer beauty of what I was seeing.

I know this isn’t the greatest pic, but all I had was the camera phone.

And then the endorphins started to kick in. Not like a runner’s high, but just a mild euphoria…less from running than from thinking about how blessed I am to be able to run in such a beautiful place, to be able to run at all. I thought about Anne and her knee pain and how lucky I have been when it comes to my lack of injury. It was one of those perfect moments. I would have been so sad to miss it. And then I spent the next three hours formulating essays in my head…you know, for all of my grad school applications. I thought about living in all of these different places. I thought about new opportunities. I thought, and thought, and thought some more. As one who thoroughly enjoys daydreaming, running is an ideal forum. I get to think to my heart’s content without feeling that I should really be doing something else.

I finally made a new playlist and that was quite enjoyable. I took the run a little slower and only took a walking break every other time a slow song rolled around. My pace was nice and steady. I did have a cramp in my left arch from mile 8 on, but it wasn’t really painful, just a bit uncomfortable. When you’re running for that long, your feet are bound to get a little upset. I drank less that usual, having discovered during last weekend’s half-marathon that there is such a thing as too much water. I ate fewer blocks, having eaten half a Cliff Bar pre-run. I feel like I got some good fine tuning done.

One of my favorite parts of the run was this biker. Apparently he had seen me when he was heading up the canyon, and then he passed me on his way down and he turned to look at me and stuck his fist in the air. You can picture it; a kind of “you go girl” air-punch. I saw biker dude about a mile later again. He was off to the side of the trail chatting up some other biker. As I ran past, I could see he was trying to talk to me. I pulled a headphone out of one ear to listen to hear him say, “Wow, I cannot believe how far you have run. That was you I saw up near South Fork, right? I am impressed.” That one comment got me through the next ten miles. It’s amazing how a few simple words of praise can do so much.

The last few miles were hard. I was exhausted. It was hot. I forgot to put on sunblock. My water was warm. I just wanted to be done…and then, finally, I saw 18.00 miles and I was done. How I’m going to manage to run 26.2 miles, I still haven’t figured out…but I know I’ll do it, because that’s who I am, that’s how I’m wired.

Playlist:

  1. Freedom 90 6:30 George Michael
  2. Mr. Brightside 3:41 The Killers
  3. Glamorous (Feat. Ludacris) 4:06 Fergie
  4. Witch In The Ditch 3:44 Erasure
  5. what about us 3:57 Brandy
  6. Colors 2:41 Amos Lee
  7. Simply Being Loved 4:21 BT
  8. Dance Dance 5:02 Fall Out Boy
  9. Get Over It 3:16 ok go
  10. Gotta Go My Own Way 3:44 High School Musical 2
  11. Failsafe 2:39 The New Pornographers
  12. Baby Hold On 5:04 Way Dixie Chicks
  13. Senorita 4:34 Justin Timberlake
  14. Porcelain 3:58 Moby
  15. SexyBack 4:02 Justin Timberlake
  16. Hysteria 3:47 Muse
  17. Summer Love 4:15 Justin Timberlake
  18. No One Is to Blame 3:59 Emile Millar
  19. Hot ‘n’ Cold Pussycat 4:11 Basement Jaxx vs.
  20. Sunday Bloody Sunday 4:40 U2
  21. Glamorous (Feat. Ludacris) 4:06 Fergie
  22. Irreplaceable 3:47 Beyoncé
  23. Summer Love 4:15 Justin Timberlake
  24. Breathe Me 4:35 Sia
  25. Clothes Off 3:55 Gym Class Heroes
  26. Workout Plan 2:52 Kanye West
  27. Standing Outside A Broken Phone Boo… 5:39 Primitive Radio Gods
  28. How We Operate 5:28 Gomez
  29. Changes 4:29 Tupac Shakur
  30. Lost In This Moment 3:37 Big & Rich
  31. beautiful love 4:09 The Afters
  32. Senorita 4:34 Justin Timberlake
  33. Gotta Go My Own Way 3:44 High School Musical 2
  34. Chicago 6:12 Sufjan Stevens
  35. Adventures in Solitude 4:18 The New Pornographers
  36. Waiting in Vain 5:40 Annie Lennox
  37. Failsafe 2:39 The New Pornographers
  38. Give It to Me 3:32 Timbaland featuring
  39. Faster Kill Pussycat 3:14 Oakenfold
  40. No Apagues la Luz 3:49 Enrique Iglesias
  41. Open Your Heart 4:13 Madonna
  42. On My Mind 4:10 Kalai
  43. Under Pressure 4:03 Queen & David Bowie
  44. When You Were a Starlight 4:11 Team9 vs. The Killers
  45. Forever 3:51 Live
  46. Glamorous (Feat. Ludacris) 4:06 Fergie
  47. Senorita 4:34 Justin Timberlake
  48. Fields of Gold 3:33 Sting & Edin Karamazov
  49. i didnt steal your boyfriend 3:04 ashlee simpson
  50. The Call 3:26 Backstreet Boys
  51. I Still Remember 4:23 Bloc Party
  52. My Console 4:17 Eiffel 65
  53. Video 4:15 India Arie
  54. Time 4:08 Chantal Kreviazuk

P.S. I’ve discovered that I would rather listen to a song that I’m “in the mood for” three times, than put on a different one, that I’m not loving as much, just for variety. I’m the girl who can listen to the same song 500 times in a row and not get sick of it.

16 miles

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Oh, where to begin? Let’s start with the poor preparation. As I mentioned in the last post, running didn’t seem to make it on to the schedule this week. Not once. So, I was a little concerned about my long run. Do you remember what happened the last time no midweek running happened? And that was only a seven mile long run (which, incidentally, was what I thought my midweek run would have been on Wednesday)? No? Let me refresh your memory. It was awful. I thought I was going to die and that was only seven miles.

In an attempt to make this long run as painless as possible, I first decided that this had to be a one way run, so I called my dad Friday (I was worried I would get home after he was already in bed) and asked him if he would pick me up at the end of my run and take me back to my car. He said, “Of course” and then I told him I’d call when I got to the end and tell him where I was on the trail. I figured I’d be starting about 6:30, so I told him I should be done by, or before 9:30.

Then, I made sure to be as prepared as possible before I went to bed. I got home early Friday night, after a fabulous HSM2 party. I planned to leave really early to avoid any possible heat issues. Then, when I got home Friday night, I discovered, as I laid out my running garb (clothes, energy stuff, fuel belt, etc.), filled my water bottles and put them in the freezer (thanks for the tip, Holly) I discovered that my socks, the ones I know work on long runs, were dirty. So sad. I put them in the washer (with a full load…I’m no water waster) and then headed to bed, deciding, since I had to dry the socks, I would get up at the same time, and just start my run a little later. Yes, that’s how I feel about my socks. It’s 16 miles. I’m not going to risk blisters with socks I don’t know.

The nice thing about having a little extra time for the sock drying was that I remembered to eat. I have discovered that Power Bars and Cliff Bars are really the only thing I can eat before a long run. I ate my Vanilla Crisp Power Bar, greased my body (remembering last week’s painful underarm chafe-age), put the running clothes on (sans socks and shoes), pulled my hair up, I pulled my water bottles out of the freezer (thanks for the tip, Holly) and then I finally noticed the faint sound of drops on the roof, rain drops. That’s right. No wonder it looked so dark. I knew, when I began this training, that inclement weather was likely to happen for at least one long run and so, I had already decided that it was not going to stop me.

I donned my nice warms socks and shoes, grabbed my stuff and headed out. I headed up the canyon. While the rain at my house had slowed to a drizzle, such was not the case up South Fork. It was raining. Hard. I had made this decision months earlier, so it was not a question that I would be getting out of my car and running. It actually felt fantastic to be out in the rain. I haven’t run in the rain in ages, at least not in a downpour. I was loving it. And then it slowed.

The rest of my run passed about as expected. It was long and hard. And by the end, I thought I might not make it. I hit 14.5 miles and I had this thought…”I’m almost there”. Well, the problem with thoughts is that your body often communicates them to your body and “almost” in my head and “almost” in my body are two very different things. It took everything in me to keep going. And, at this point, walking, which I needed to do on occasion for my heart, was probably the worst thing for my poor knees. It gave my body time to realize just how much pain it was in, and it did not want to cooperate. Somehow, I kept going.

I also decided at the 14.5 mile mark, that I would do the last 1.5 miles as an out and back, because I had just passed an intersection I knew and it would be easy to tell my dad where to pick me up. When I hit the turn around point, I couldn’t do it. I knew my body would quit. At that same moment, there was a slight break in my music, and I heard my phone ringing. I was almost there. .75 miles to go. There would be no phone answering. I kept pushing and pushing. I had to finish this damn run (sorry about the expletive…but that’s what I was really thinking).

Finally, it was over. I had conquered my 16 mile Goliath. I called my dad. He was already out and about…looking for me? It was after I got off the phone that I listened to my message. I should have saved it so that I could write it down word for word. Basically, it went something like this, “Chloe, this is Dad. Just wondering where you’re at. You didn’t answer your phone (really, is that why you’re leaving me a message?). I hope you’re not dead on the trail somewhere. I’m going to head out and start looking for you.”

And that was the highlight of my run. I was laughing so hard. I know it’s probably not that funny to you, but it was just what I needed. I told him I’d be done around 9:30, so when it was 10:00 and he hadn’t heard from me, he started to worry. He called me three times. I seriously adore my dad. I got the same feeling I had when he called and woke me up at 3:45 am last Monday because he hadn’t seen my car. I don’t think he worried as much about me when I was a teenager. It’s really quite cute.

Anyway, today my body is definitely sore. Part of it, I’m sure, is that I didn’t stretch after. I know, it’s horrible, but when I called my dad, I still had about .4 miles to go to get to where he could pick me up and I was moving at snail’s pace. I think an old lady with a walker could have out paced me. Seriously. And all I kept thinking, once I stopped laughing after listening to the message, was, “Wow…and my body is supposed to go 10.2 miles farther than this. Huh.”

My playlist, once again, was the same, with the exception of slow songs. Although, after this run, I’m ready for a change, so look for a new playlist next week.

And here’s a great post someone else wrote. Check it out.

in pieces

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This title refers to both how I am going to post about the trip to D.C. and the state of my body after running 15 miles. I’m not a fan of travel logs or play by plays (I find them a bit, well, boring), so I’m going to try to keep things as interesting as possible. I have a million thoughts to share, so this may take a while. If you would like another perspective on any of the weekend activities, you can visit Anne’s blog.

So, let’s go ahead and get started with the run. I have some thoughts pre-run, but I’ll save those for later.

First of all, 6:00 am comes very early when you are in the Eastern Time Zone, but still on Mountain Time and you don’t get to bed until 1:30 am. And it seems even earlier when you you sleep in a bed that is so comfortable, you really believe you could just live in it.


But somehow I managed to roll my butt out of bed and get ready for the run. (P.S. and by the way, when you are packing for a three day trip that involves running 15 miles and a presentation which requires professional clothing, you feel like you are the world’s worst over-packer.) It didn’t hurt that the aforementioned Anne was picking me up, so I had to be ready to go. Apparently that was her motivation as well.

Anne arrived on time, looking as bright eyed and bushy tailed as myself, and we were off. Part of what made getting up less difficult was the anticipation of meeting Anne. We have been running blogger buddies for a while now and we will be running St. George together, so it was so fun that I got to meet her and we got to run together. You are all missing out. We both had little “runner” gifts for each other. She gave me a fabulous arm band, which I used and I discovered that sweat bands really do help, although because it was Under Armour, I really did look like a walking (well, running) advert for the company with my tank top and pants to match.

The run was absolutely fantastic. Everyone here in Utah had warned me of the heat and humidity, but I got very lucky and was able to run in about 75 degree weather with very low humidity. It was great! What was even more great, though, was the amazing sites I got to see while running.


Have I ever mentioned how much I love technology? Like the fact that my phone can take pictures. The photos are courtesy of my camera phone. I have to say, it did pretty well for what it is. I don’t know what the little black marks are in some of the pics, but I didn’t feel like editing them out.

This is a picture of the Washington Monument from whatever bridge we ran across to get over the Potomac.

Anne told me what this building was, but I can’t remember. I do know that it reminded me of buildings in France and so, I loved it. (I know there are haters out there, but I am not one of them).

Duh.

Duh, again.

I will probably edit this one to get rid of the little black blob because I really love this picture of the capitol. Impressive for a camera phone.

Jefferson Memorial (I think) from the bridge on our way back.

Hain’s Point

So, that was our run…at least what we saw. It seriously was an amazing experience to run around our nation’s capitol and see all of these sites. Hain’s Point (the last pic) is my new favorite. You may not be able to tell from the picture, but it’s a man emerging from the ground (or sinking, maybe). Absolutely breathtaking, as were the 15 miles we ran, as in, dying for breath. We were both ready to be done at the end. 15 miles is a long way to run. I can’t believe we are going to have to do that, plus 11.2 in order to finish the marathon.

Having not run with someone in a very long time, it was fun to discover that a) I really do enjoy having a running buddy, and b) I can now chit-chat while running, as opposed to just listening. I do feel bad that Anne had to be the one present while I made the latter discovery. Sometimes I just can’t shut up. By the end of the run, however, we were both speechless.

The good news is that, while I was in lots of pain the rest of Saturday, the rest of the trip I was just fine…an indication that I am training how I should be. No blisters at all, just some fantastic under arm chafing. Anne and I were discussing the stages of chafing afterward. It really is fascinating. I wish I had taken pictures of each stage, but I only got this one, of the final stage…the crusty, painful, scabby stage. (It may not look that bad, but “the torture, I assure you, was acute”.)
The best part of the run, besides the fact that it was over and that there were 6 cold water bottles and an ice-pack waiting in Anne’s car because she’s brilliant, was going back to the hotel and getting in the pool. Seriously fabulous!

*My playlist is relatively the same as it has been for the past 3 long runs, so…you can check the 13 miler for details. Yes, we were both listening to our iPods with one ear, and each other with the other. My multi-tasking abilities are uncanny.