Category Archives: blessings

musical memory flashback

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Without music life would be a mistake.
~Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

I love music! I know I’ve shared this many, many times. Music packs so many emotions with it, and then you combine it with memories that correspond to different music phases in your life (at least in my life) and you have a very powerful combination. Certain songs can instantly transform my mood and transport me to a different place.

This weekend, as I was writing essays (pre-mental breakdown…which, by the way, is much better), I was listening to music, as I am wont to do at any given minute of any day. Rascal Flatts just came out with a new album and I happened to be listening to that. Yes, I am a music lover who likes it all, including country…and my snobby music friends still like me (yes…I just called you snobby). While, obviously the album is new and I am creating new memories with it, it is very similar to their first album (thank goodness…I did not love the last one).

While listening I had, what I call, a musical memory flashback. There are certain songs that I can guarantee will do that for me. This was a little different because it was new music, but Rascal Flatts’ first album was a favorite while I was involved with The Canadian and this new album brought back those memories.

I loved The Canadian. Even better than how I felt about him was how he made me feel about me. He was probably the kindest of all the boys (always boys…maybe when I’m 30 I’ll start calling them “men” or at least “guys”) with whom I have ever been involved. He made me feel like a Pulitzer Prize winning super model/goddess. So much kindness and love and respect.

For a while, after things ended between us and I had moved on to different, less kind boys, I somehow bought into this weird belief that the only reason The Canadian treated me so well and said such nice things to me was that I was a little out of his league, that being involved with someone in my league* meant I would feel “just good enough” all the time. Sometimes my head gets filled with crazy notions that take a while to dispel.

Back to Saturday…so I was listening to the new album, this song in particular, and I started to feel all of these happy feelings. I thought about this fling of sorts. I started to think about The Canadian and how he made me feel. I thought about how integral that relationship was in my life. It is the relationship by which I have determined (as of Saturday) to judge all others, in terms of kindness and respect. It is nice to have such wonderful memories fill my soul with just the sound of a song. It is nice to realize that I deserve to be with someone who makes me feel that good. And to realize that I always want the person I am with to feel as good as The Canadian made me feel. And all of that from a song. That is the power of music.


*I am not really a believer in “leagues”…I have decided to subscribe to the “comfort” theory. I think you should always feel “comfortable” with the person you are with. If you are out with the Significant Other and his/her friends, you should not feel above or below them, and if you bring the S.O. out with your friends, if you are constantly worried about how everyone will interact, that’s a bad sign, as well. You have chosen your friends for a reason…the S.O. should fit in with them. And that’s how I feel about that.

the sun threw the clouds

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No, I didn’t use the wrong verb in the title. Initially I wrote “through”, but then I started thinking about it. Have I ever mentioned how much I love words? Anyway, you all know that I am all about blogging, but I have been super stressed out this week. I basically had a mental breakdown that started on Sunday and lasted until…well, it’s still going. I think the essays triggered it, and then my impending 30th birthday added to it, and PMS exacerbated the emotions. It has not been a fun three days…for me or anyone who is in my immediate circle of influence.

Back to the title. I have been trying to be “grateful” in an effort to get out of this crazy funk. So, I have started to notice blessings and that has been like sun through the clouds. But then, as I was thinking about the words “through” and “threw”, I got this visual image of a happy sunshine – you know, like the Raisin Bran sunshine – taking out “Gus”…the name our family has so affectionately given the cloud that seems to hang over one of us (namely Erika) at any given time. It made me laugh, which I needed. And so, I changed the title.

And now, the real point of this post. Here are the blessings that have helped little rays of sunshine come through my clouds:

  1. I have an amazing family. The type of family that is always there for you. I can call up any one of my four siblings (or in some cases, a spouse) and I know that I will get the encouragement and sound advice I need. We were all taught by the same mother that “it always works out”, so when I lose sight of that, my siblings are there to remind me.
  2. I don’t worry about where I’m going to sleep, or where my next meal will come from, or whether I will be killed by rebel forces. I know that last one sounds random, but I started to do some work for a new NGO called Sowers of Hope and while discussing the goals of the organization, namely to provide funding to a school in Congo, I realized just how blessed I am.
  3. And, moving on to more shallow things…yes, I do realize that the fact that I can mention how grateful I am that I am not an orphan in Congo in one statement, and in the next one say what I’m about to say is a bit disturbing, but I am a bit disturbed…I have been blessed with fantastic hair (and a great stylist…thanks Laura). I got my hair colored and cut last night and it looks so great (I’ll post a picture once my camera battery is recharged). And let’s be honest, there’s nothing like a great haircut to make you smile.
  4. While the grad school application process is incredibly grueling and tedious, it has helped me to really examine what I want and why I’m doing this. It has also made me realize that, while I know that I would be a great MBA student, that it’s possible that not every school is going to think so. So, why am I grateful for that? Because I have now established two very good, very exciting backup plans. And backup plans are a very good thing.
  5. I have options. Lots and lots of options.
  6. I ran a marathon! Yes, I am going to milk that one for all it’s worth.
  7. I have very, very exciting birthday plans. Secret plans. Plans that will result in something being crossed off “The List”.
  8. I have amazing friends. Friends who are probably sick of me whining about my worries and woes, but who listen patiently. Blogging friends who I don’t “know” technically, but who are willing to read essays and correct them, just to be nice. Friends who offer to do anything to help, even if it’s just bringing me ice-cream.

  9. While my job is not exactly what I would call fulfilling, I get to work with some very fun, very kind, very sassy people, and that makes everyday enjoyable. And I have a fish name Stanley who shares my desk and makes me smile.
  10. I’m currently in a “drinking Diet Coke” phase, which also makes me happy.
  11. Despite all of the stress and craziness, I still have an amazing social life.
  12. At the end of the day, I have perspective. And perspective, like possession, is 9/10 of the law.

dear you…brought to you by the st. george marathon

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Dear Readers,

Thank you for being so supportive. Thank you for visiting my blog. Thank you for all of your comments, but most especially the ones leading up to this race. They were so fun to read from my phone (I love that I can check my email…even without some fancy phone) and so inspirational.

As you read the following letters and you start to think, “wow, she is really long winded and these aren’t as funny as usual” (yes, Justin, I know I write too much), I want you to think about the fact that you are sitting on your butt, at a computer, in the comfort of your home, or office. You are not exerting yourself while reading this. You aren’t risking exhaustion, muscle cramps, injury, or dehydration. So, while these letters may go on forever, I hope that you’ll humor me and read them. And when you are done, I hope that you’ll look at your watch, see that 40 minutes have passed and think, “Wow, Chloe ran for over eight times that long.”

In all seriousness, this was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. A lot of it had more to do with the road to get to the marathon than the actual marathon, but the marathon itself was definitely a huge part of it. Besides all of my wonderful blogging buddies (those I know and those I don’t), I have fantastic friends and family who have supported me along the way. Many thought I was crazy (and, truth be told, I am just a bit), but they still supported me. Thanks for all that you do for me. Thanks for sharing your wonderful stories, music, thoughts, experiences and love. The journey is so much sweeter because of you.

Sincerely,

Chloe

Dear Jennifer,

Thanks for being such an inspiration. And thanks for the rad quote from Lance Armstrong. We repeated it over and over and over again. “Pain is temporary. Quitting lasts forever.”

Love,

Chloe

Dear race organizers,

Well done. From picking up our packets to finishing the race, the whole experience was amazing. Although getting on the bus at 4:00 am was a bit painful, even that wasn’t so bad. And, once we got to the top and discovered just how cold it was, we were sure glad that we got up that early because those free gloves for the first 1,000 bus riders were totally worth it. I don’t know what I would have done without them.

Sincerely,

A first time marathoner

Dear firestarters (no, not Drew Barrymore),

Thank you. Seriously. I wasn’t really expecting to run while smelling like a campfire, but it was totally worth the smell for the warmth. Who knew that it would really be that cold. I didn’t. I mean, I had a sweatshirt, but it was cold. I mean COLD!!! But the 30+ fires definitely helped.

Thank you,

The girl who never thinks she’s going to be as cold as she is

Dear guy in the blue spandex who felt the need to tuck his shirt in while standing around the fire,

Seriously? How could your wife be standing right there and let you do that? I promise, I’m not a perv…but my eyes…well, it was like flies to poo. There was nothing I could do. It will be years before that image leaves me. Years! I may have to sue you for damages.

Sincerely,

A girl who may need to see a therapist for PTSD

Dear friendly running guys who talked to Anne and me by the fire,

It was so nice to meet you. It was fun to hear that you met through running, the same way Anne and I did. I hope that ten years from now, when Anne and I are running our umpteenth marathon, we will be able to share the same story with someone.

Sincerely,

The runner who loves her new little world…that’s not really so little

Dear St. George,

What can I say? You are gorgeous! Sometimes, I really don’t love living in Utah, and then I do something like this, and I remember just how great you are. Thanks for being so pretty.

Love,

The runner who was happy to have so many beautiful things to look at

Dear sign makers,

You are my new favorite people. Anyone out there who hasn’t run a race (well, a longer race) should know that it’s worth it just to read the signs. They are hilarious, and inspiring, and entertaining, and sometimes, obnoxious. Really, Heather Hays’ boyfriend, the first five signs were cute. The last 25…not so cute. In fact, I would say they were bordering on stalker-esque. Really, kind of weird. But the rest of you, fantastic!!!

Thanks,

A happily entertained runner

Dear volunteers,

You are great! Thanks for be willing to come out and provide us with everything we could possibly need, from water, to Gatorade, to Icy Hot and so on. Your kindness almost made it hard to drink and eat for all the emotion I was feeling…but I was really thirsty and those oranges were delicious, so somehow I managed it.

Sincerely,

A girl who decided this race that she should really volunteer to work at a few of these races

Dear crazy people who were standing in front of your homes in the freezing cold at the crack of dawn to cheer on complete strangers,

Words cannot express!

Love,

An ultra emotional marathoner

Dear guy in the short shorts and cutoff t-shirt,

Really? You realize that I passed you, right? Me. Chloe. The girl who finished in 5:36:52. You have no excuse, none, nada, zilch, for wearing such an outfit. Gross. Think of the children.

Sincerely,

A, once again, traumatized runner

Dear Zach,

It was nice to finally meet you. I’m glad you called out to us. Sorry we didn’t come meet you by your fire, but it was cold and we were already by a fire and you chose one that they didn’t light until much later. But, we still met, so that was fun.

Sincerely,

Your blogger runner friend

Dear right foot,

I knew that you were going to blister. You have always blistered, except for when I finally got you calloused over. I know my lack of running the last three weeks are what caused you to blister so badly, but I kind of think you enjoyed shoving it in my face. Did you have to start at mile five? You could have waited until mile 10 and you still would’ve been around for 16.2 miles. Really, I’ve never had such a blister. You were incredible. I’m sorry I had to drain you, but no shoe was going to fit on my foot with you sticking out there. Maybe you should think about that next time.

Sincerely,

The blister killer

Dear ankle,

Tendonitis? At mile 20? You couldn’t have waited until mile 25? Every step was painful. Every single one! Please go away.

Sincerely,

Your owner who would really like to continue running

Dear ibuprofen,

I probably wouldn’t have made it without you. As one who is not a huge fan of any kind of drug consumption…I was happy to have you on Saturday.

Sincerely,

The girl who almost didn’t have her wisdom teeth removed because she hates medication just that much

Dear sunblock,

I packed you. I thought about you. I pulled you out of my bag Saturday morning. And then, what happened? You just let me forget about you. How could you do that? It was 3:30 am. How the heck was I supposed to remember EVERYTHING? Throw a girl a bone. Thankfully, I did decide to go with a hat and it’s time for fall clothing, so you are semi-forgiven. But, still, where is the love?

With some hurt feelings,

The former esthetician who doesn’t ever leave home (not even in a blizzard) without sunscreen on her face

Dear SportShield,

You are my new BFF. I apologize to those of you who thought you were my BFFs. But, did you help me make it through 26.2 miles of running virtually unscathed by chaffing? What? Silence? That’s what I thought. Seriously, one spot, under the band of my sports bra, in the back, where I didn’t even think to apply you. You are the best, SportShield. I think I love you!

Love,

A girl with almost perfectly intact skin (minus that darn blister and the one itty-bitty spot on my back)

Dear iPod nano,

I’m so glad you decided to last through the entire race. I was a bit worried for a while. The little battery icon turned red when I still had miles to go. But you hung on and for that, I will be forever grateful. While the music is always important, I would have been truly heartbroken had I not been able to upload a run of 26.2 miles. It would not have changed the fact that I had run it, but it sure was fun to plug you into my computer and visit the Nike+ site and see a run of 26.2 miles. And the music was good, too.

Lots of love,

A lover of music and Nike+

Dear Anne’s family,

Thanks for being so great. Dinner was fantastic, as was the company. It was so nice to meet all of you and it was fun to feel so welcomed by you. I know you were there to support Anne, but I’m really glad she didn’t mind sharing you. It was so fun to see you at mile 16, and then at the finish line. And thanks for the flowers. You guys are great!

Love,

Chloe

Dear Anne,

I quite possibly might have finished without you, as I’m sure you would have without me, but…having said that, I’m so glad that I didn’t have to. It has been so fun to share this journey with you and read about your experiences and share with you mine. Thanks for all of the cool stuff and being so thoughtful. Thanks for being such a good running partner, even if most of it was through cyberspace. Thanks for driving down with me, even though you could’ve gone down with your family. Words really cannot express how lucky I feel to have found such a partner in pain and stupidity. Here’s to next year…and the many runs we will do between now and then.

Oh, and thanks for putting up with my occasional karaoke moments. What can I say? I just couldn’t help myself. And, I think we can both agree that I had to have made someone laugh.

Love,

Chloe

P.S. You can read Anne’s recap (a much better play-by-play of the experience) here.

And last but not least…

Dear body,

Ours is kind of love-hate type of relationship. You want to love me, but I just hate you. I have never been a huge fan. I’m sorry. It’s true. However, these last few months of training have taught me to really appreciate just how great you are. I have pushed, and pushed, and pushed and you just let me. When you told me it was too much and I ignored you, you kept going. Sure, you threw a few fits. You left me with reminders of the pain that I put you through while training. But I have to admit that I am in awe.

I may not love what I see in the mirror, but that is just a minor part of what you are. I cannot believe that, after three weeks of basically no running, save a short jog/walk along the beach, you let me push you for 26.2 miles. And you hardly made a peep. So, there was a minor squeak in one foot and one ankle, but considering that I am not at the weight I was hoping…or that I was at four weeks ago, I just can’t really complain. I hadn’t been feeding you properly, or hydrating you properly, or giving you adequate rest, and yet you were a champ. And we did it. Somehow, we pushed on for 26.2 miles and lived to tell about it. It’s so easy to forget just how incredible you are and just how blessed I am to have you.

With much love and appreciation,

The girl who hopes to make this marathon running thing a regular experience and always appreciate her body, not because of what it looks like, but because of what it can do

the road that gets you there

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I often have blog posts that just sit in my head. Really, I have always been like this, long before I started blogging. Essays form in my brain. I don’t know if that happens to any of you, but for as long as I can remember, when some experience causes reflection or learning, an entire essay, well speech really, forms in my head. I even go through drafts and rewrites in my mind. Yes, I am a bit odd. I also “see” everything I say, like it’s a ticker through my brain and, when I read books (fiction in particular) I see it like a computer animated movie, as opposed to real life…although I’m actively trying to change that. I used to think everyone saw things as animated, but apparently I was wrong.

Back to the essays. Now that I do have a blog, I have a place to write them down. I don’t always. Some of my thoughts are too personal to share on the internet (yes, even I have sharing limits). And some experiences are too, what I would call, sacred for me to just put out there, which is a bit different than too personal. I had one of those experiences this weekend, and while I don’t want to go into detail, I do want to share some of my thoughts about it.

I thought a lot about life this weekend. You know, Life…with a capital “L”. The big picture. I think part of it was being by the ocean. Something about having grown up near the ocean and my absolute love of water makes any time I am near it a kind of ethereal experience. Yep, even when I’m just lying on the beach in a bathing suit. Another part consisted of my great conversations with Katie. And the final element was a run I took Sunday morning. Yes, I went running on Sunday, along the beach, and I feel good about it. In fact, it was while running (a time when epiphanies often occur) that the post began to form.

There are times in life when bad things happen. Hard things. Things I don’t understand. Things I don’t ever want to relive. Things that hurt me so deeply, I don’t know if I will ever feel whole again, if I will ever heal. And in those moments of pain, while in the depths of despair, the world does not make sense to me.

But then the rains stop, the winds calm, and the sun begins to make the world better again.

Not only better, but a funny thing has happened. The rain has prepared me for beautiful gardens. The wind has knocked down a few trees that needed to go. I wish it didn’t have to be so painful. I wish that the gardens could grow without the storms. But that’s just not the way it works. What became so clear to me, again, this weekend, is just how intimately God knows us. He knows when to allow the storms and when to calm them.

My trip to California was totally last minute. Emailing Katie out of the blue to see if I could stay with her was really random. The fact that she was in town was amazing. And all of these things needed to happen for me to have the experience I had. And, until the moment it happened, I don’t think I would have been ready for it. The storm that had been raging calmed, but it couldn’t have calmed any sooner because all of the rain and wind I needed wasn’t there until yesterday.

I just don’t know how I could go through life and not believe that there is more to it than what we see. And sometimes I forget, but then I stand at the edge of the ocean, after swimming through the crashing waves, stronger for the swim, and it all makes so much sense.

10,000 and counting

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Yesterday I had my 10,000th hit since May 18, 2007. I started blogging in September (I think) of 2006, but didn’t start tracking until May. Yes, I track my traffic. I may not know who you are, but I know where you are. In any case, in honor of those 10,000 visits, I’m going to do a little give away. I will be selecting TWO LUCKY WINNERS; one will be the first person to post a comment to this post (all you night owls…this is what it’s all about) and the second will be chosen at random (names in a hat) from all of the comments* made on this post between now and Thursday at midnight. Hopefully this will encourage some of you lurkers to leave a comment…if you don’t have a gmail/blogger profile, just leave an anonymous post and include your name (it can even be a fake name if you’d prefer to remain anonymous to the public at large…aka my other readers, although if you win, I will have to know who you are, so don’t comment if you don’t want me to know you read my blog).

And, what do we have for them, Bob? Well, as I am a lover of music (and concerts) and I just got home from one and have music on my mind, you will receive a special 2-cd set of my favorites from the tours of ’07 (meaning the concerts I have been to thus far). There may be some other surprises as well, but no guarantees other than the cds…although that alone should make you all want to leave a comment as I have been to some great concerts this year, including, but not limited to, Joshua Radin, Pete Yorn, Dashboard, Muse, and Young Love**.

After selecting the winners on Friday, I will post your names to the blog and you will then need to email me your info (real/full name and mailing address) so that I can get your prize to you.

Thanks for being such a great audience and for giving me so much encouragement and so many things to think about!

*Each commenter will be counted only once, regardless of the number of comments he or she makes.
**Please be aware that some of the music may not be suitable for young ears…I will do my best to filter, but no guarantees.