the death of an experience

Yes, that’s how I feel about it. I want to experience everything. If an experience is in the realm of possibility in my world, I want to have it. This is one of my many diseases…maybe the worst one. Anyway, this whole decision process has been awful. The reason being, whereas I feel like either option would be fine, one would be an entirely new experience, the other would not be.

You would think that would have made it easy, but as in so much of my life, often what I want is not what is best for me. I don’t want to wax too philosophical or spiritual (I am both, but I choose not to be Chez Blog), but after much soul searching and every attempt to feel really good about going to Vanderbilt, I just couldn’t make it feel right. I don’t know if any of you have had similar experiences, but it’s very frustrating. And I’m sure some of you are thinking, “Well, if you want to go to Vanderbilt, you should just go there.” If only it were that easy in my world.

Vanderbilt would have afforded me lots of opportunities. They have an amazing program. Over the weekend I met some people with whom I hope to stay in contact, even after telling them that I’m not going to be in their class. I fell in love Nashville. I’m not sure why I applied to Vanderbilt in the first place, which only added to my desire to go there; like it was meant to be. On some level, I think it was, in the sense that this whole process has made me grow in ways I had not expected.

Last night, I was still not totally decided. Or maybe I was, and have been for months, but I wasn’t ready to let go of the experience. And I wasn’t super excited about staying here. Maybe that’s a little bit of an understatement. And if this school in P-town is where I feel like I should be, shouldn’t I be happy about it? Shouldn’t I be excited? Shouldn’t it feel like the best choice ever? Shouldn’t that experience be just as enticing as the one at Vandy?

I guess not. I think that the instant gratification expectations inherent to our society make it so that people often don’t understand making a decision based on anything other than what they want right in that moment. I could be wrong, but it seems like a plausible theory. I could list all of the pros and cons (yes, there was a list…and it was long and uber detailed), but at the end of the day, it wasn’t about the list (it was pretty much sixes anyway), it was about what felt right.

In any case, I am staying in P-town. It’s official. I paid my deposit and “signed on the dotted line” so to speak. (It was really just a bunch of clicks of the mouse, but you get the idea). I am still going to avoid naming the actual school on here…I don’t want it to be easily searched…but I am planning/hoping to do some blogging for the program. It will be in a different location, and this blog will be put on the back burner. I have a feeling things are going to get pretty crazy.

Oh, and for those of you who missed out on what I will be doing in school, I am going to be earning an Masters of Business Administration, concentrating in marketing, and emphasizing in how to remain sane as single, thirty-something, female in Happy Valley. It should make for some interesting “Dear Yous” over the course of the next two years…yes, those will not be going anywhere.

12 thoughts on “the death of an experience

  1. I know exactly what you mean. When deciding where to attend undergrad, I had always planned on Omaha, but got all hyped up about Lincoln (a bit further away, and much bigger, well-known, community-feeling) so I refused to apply anwhere else. One year later, I was transferring to Omaha, the place I knew in my gut was right from the beginning. Lincoln was a great school. I joined a sorority, went to the football games, and was with my best friend. But it didn’t make it the best place for me. I loved my years at Omaha and there were no negatives involved – I hope the same will be true for you! 🙂

  2. It must be nice to have finally made the decision. I hate making decisions so I can only imagine how hard that must have been. I know you’ll be happy there, there’s certainly a reason you felt inclined to stay. Congrats!!

  3. It’s so hard to give up something you want, but the experience of considering and going out there must have been way cool. I just noticed your sidebar feature of the things you want to accomplish in your life. That’s a fun list. I should do something like that.

  4. No, I’m not getting all dooce…well, not in that sense. I have no intention of ripping on the program, but when it comes to my personal life, I’d prefer it not to be googleable (it’s the adjectival form)…in fact, I plan on changing a few things in the near future.Or maybe this blog will just have to be private. Probably not, though.

  5. um, not to mention i’m a little bit excited i may get to come run with you again if you still live where you do. 🙂

  6. good job. 🙂 this sounds like it was so not an easy decision but i like the way your thought processes went. it sounds like you learned a lot- and those lessons that aren’t easily articulated are often the ones that mean the most. sacrifice (and this does seem like a sacrifice on some levels) often brings things that we can’t even imagine. 🙂

  7. Good luck! Even if it’s a hard decision to make, it must be a good feeling to have the decision made once and for all.

  8. Congrats – it’s so hard making decisions like that. Both good choices… anyway, you know you would have missed P-Town probably, so lucky you!

  9. I’m glad you were able to make your decision. Though I’m sorry it wasn’t what you wanted. I admire your faith to be able to make this decision. I’m excited to see how it pans out for you. HF must have big plans for you here. 🙂

  10. Congrats on finally making a decision! And I’m sure you’ll end up being happy with your decision. I recently made a similar sort of decision, deciding whether or not to study abroad in Denmark. I chose to stay here for a lot of good reasons, but it was still hard to say that I wasn’t going. I feel your agony – it gets easier!

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