head case

Yes, I was really trying to have a Wordless Wednesday. I love the picture below. Emily took it while we were in New York. It is just a happy, wonderful picture, which is a small miracle since it’s a backside shot of me.

Today, though, I am not feeling happy and wonderful. And while I try not to post more than once a day (you know, in an attempt to control my OCD), I felt the need today.

Lest you think my life glorious and perfect all the time…

Sometimes life seriously sucks. Sometimes I’m not the happy person I want so badly to be. Sometimes I want to hit people. Sometimes I want people to feel how stupid I really think they really are. Sometimes I really hate being single. Sometimes I really don’t care about other people and their problems. Sometimes I break down in a ball of tears and can’t stop crying. Sometimes I wonder why anyone is friends with me. Sometimes I miss my mom so much it hurts. Sometimes I actually wonder if I should have just gone through with the wedding. Sometimes I want someone else to make my decisions for me, not so I can blame them later, but just so I don’t have to do it. Sometimes I hate what I look like. Sometimes I don’t want to get out of bed, because getting out of bed means finding something to wear, and sometimes I hate finding something to where because sometimes I hate my body. Sometimes I wish I could understand why knowing that something is the best thing to do is not enough motivation to get me to do it. Sometimes I wonder if I will always be alone.

And sometimes I wish I could understand what the hell I was thinking when I signed up for my particular set of problems. And yes, I do believe that I signed up for them, which totally eliminates any feelings of justification I might have had in complaining about my lot in life, which just makes me that much angrier. And if that isn’t enough to irritate me, there’s always my mom’s voice in my head reminding me that “it always works out”.

So, just in case you thought you were the only one, you’re not. I’m sure tomorrow will be better.

P.S. On a happier note, I’ve put up February’s downloads on my sidebar. They are all about love. So, in case you are depressed after reading this, you can download some love songs that might cheer you up, unless of course you are depressed about your love life; in which case, might I suggest waiting?

14 thoughts on “head case

  1. In a way, it makes me feel better knowing I picked my problems. Like somewhere inside I know what I’m doing. But still… Sometimes I want people to feel how stupid I really think they really are.

  2. Could I hire you to write for me? Of course that implies that I could pay for your services. I completely relate and it does help me to feel less crazy to see that some of our thoughts are identical.

  3. You wrote down many thoughts I have myself. I’m grateful I don’t feel like this often, but I hope you felt safe venting. Because you’re not a head case…you’re just a woman who can voice her fears and frustrations.

  4. those days are the hardest. no matter who you are or what the situation, feeling and being alone is harder than anyone can imagine, except for you, right? I know. I’ve been there. I go there regularly. I think that many do and few admit that they have been there. It shows your strength, believe it or not, that you can post such emotional sides to your life. Tomorrow is another day, and this too shall pass.

  5. I’m glad you wrote all that. It makes me feel more normal. I have those days where I feel like there is no reason to get out of bed – I do, because I have no choice – but life is very roller coaster-ry – other days are better – others are worse.

  6. “Sometimes I want someone else to make my decisions for me, not so I can blame them later, but just so I don’t have to do it.” YES!”Sometimes I wish I could understand why knowing that something is the best thing to do is not enough motivation to get me to do it.” ME TOO!oh, and your p.s. is just a gem 🙂

  7. vulnerability. truth. inspiration.I identify with so much of what you said, and it’s comforting to be reassured I’m not alone in my feelings. And well, the other things help me remember to be grateful for what I do have, and not dwell on what I’m missing out on.

  8. you totally made my day- hit things right on the nail. i can’t say i have felt all those things, but certainly a lot of them and this has moved you up on my hero list- that you have the courage to identify them word by word and put them out there. i don’t know that i can be that honest with myself yet. someday.

  9. I’m sorry for those days when it feels like a giant pigeon has crapped all over your head! And Valentine’s Day doesn’t help. If it helps, you’re not alone!!!You made my day, though, by liking my CD. I can’t tell you how much I stressed over that thing! I’m loving yours, btw. In fact I’m listening right now!

  10. I identify with some of those statements word for word. I admire your desire to keep an upbeat attitude, but yes, sometimes you just have to let it out, let yourself have a bad day, and then move on.I hope tomorrow is much better.

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