Yes, I was really trying to have a Wordless Wednesday. I love the picture below. Emily took it while we were in New York. It is just a happy, wonderful picture, which is a small miracle since it’s a backside shot of me.
Today, though, I am not feeling happy and wonderful. And while I try not to post more than once a day (you know, in an attempt to control my OCD), I felt the need today.
Lest you think my life glorious and perfect all the time…
Sometimes life seriously sucks. Sometimes I’m not the happy person I want so badly to be. Sometimes I want to hit people. Sometimes I want people to feel how stupid I really think they really are. Sometimes I really hate being single. Sometimes I really don’t care about other people and their problems. Sometimes I break down in a ball of tears and can’t stop crying. Sometimes I wonder why anyone is friends with me. Sometimes I miss my mom so much it hurts. Sometimes I actually wonder if I should have just gone through with the wedding. Sometimes I want someone else to make my decisions for me, not so I can blame them later, but just so I don’t have to do it. Sometimes I hate what I look like. Sometimes I don’t want to get out of bed, because getting out of bed means finding something to wear, and sometimes I hate finding something to where because sometimes I hate my body. Sometimes I wish I could understand why knowing that something is the best thing to do is not enough motivation to get me to do it. Sometimes I wonder if I will always be alone.
And sometimes I wish I could understand what the hell I was thinking when I signed up for my particular set of problems. And yes, I do believe that I signed up for them, which totally eliminates any feelings of justification I might have had in complaining about my lot in life, which just makes me that much angrier. And if that isn’t enough to irritate me, there’s always my mom’s voice in my head reminding me that “it always works out”.
So, just in case you thought you were the only one, you’re not. I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
P.S. On a happier note, I’ve put up February’s downloads on my sidebar. They are all about love. So, in case you are depressed after reading this, you can download some love songs that might cheer you up, unless of course you are depressed about your love life; in which case, might I suggest waiting?