Dear FM 100,

My name is Chloe and I am stuck (yes, stuck) listening to your station all day, every work day. My employer chooses what station we are able to listen to and we can either listen to you or listen to nothing. Some days we (my staff and I) honestly choose nothing.

Now, it’s not that I mind most of the music you play (and no one ever likes every song on every radio station), but your music sets are way too short. There have been days when I hear the same song three times in eight hours, and that is just ridiculous.

Not only that, but songs will play at about the same time for days in a row. We paid attention one week and “Chasing Cars” played at approximately the same time for four days in a row…twice a day.

You say that you have “the most variety”, and if you’re only talking about variety as in, from different decades, ok. If you mean variety as in songs, you are lying. The variety stinks. If I had the option, I would never listen to your station. I don’t have that option, unfortunately, because I am not the only person in the office. I don’t want to hate you, I promise, but I do.

Please help me out. Just change things up a bit more. It would be super if I didn’t have to hear Celine Dion croon “My Heart Will Go On” every single day of my working existence. I would love it if you really would make it “the station with the most variety”…and if you’d stop playing “Chasing Cars” two to three times a day, always between 15 and 30 after the hour. Seriously.

Sincerely,

A very disloyal listener

p.s. This one was a real letter, that I really sent, to the real radio station…I finally had enough yesterday. Bill West emailed me back and said they’d work on it. Sure they will.

Dear body,

I realize that you are probably not super happy about the recent obsession with running and restriction of treats. However, you need to know that your counterattack is not appreciated. You could have at least tried talking to me before producing massive amounts of estrogen, causing me to be snappy, moody and ravenous. You have not attacked me like this for years…literally. Don’t you realize that this is not the only way to handle things? Don’t you realize that the consumption of sweet, baked goods that occurred yesterday will only result in more running, not less?

And if you had to attack so forcefully, did it have to be something that negatively impacted so many other people? I mean, you could have kept the casualties to a minimum, but instead the list goes from my sweet friends who so kindly put up with me because they at least know that I’m not always like this, to every woman who was in church this Sunday while I was conducting our meeting, and further to my kindhearted employees who have no idea what’s going on since they’ve never seen me like this before.

In the future, could we just stick with things like the stomach flu or knee pain. I mean really, hormones? That’s just low.

Thank you,

Your owner

Dear bangs,

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cut you so short. I know that I shouldn’t ever cut you, that I should save that job for my fabulous stylist. But really, Sunday morning I just couldn’t deal with you. You were laying the wrong way and in my face. I couldn’t see. I’m sorry. I lost it. Before I could stop myself, I was standing at the mirror with scissors in my hand.

The good news is you grow quickly, so we should be able to get you fixed in a matter of weeks, maybe even in time for our trip to Arizona. If not then, definitely by our trip to D.C. I hope you will be able to forgive me. Although, by the way you looked this morning, I’m guessing it might take a while.

Sorry,

The girl who didn’t have enough patience to re-wet and re-dry you

Dear Aaron, my ever faithful GMAT course instructor,

You are brilliant. I seriously feel like the little tips you shared last night will add 20 points to my verbal score. I need to ask you a favor, though. Can you please, please, please stop using the word “pagination”? Really, it was fine the first ten times you said it, the first night of the course, but at this point, it’s just irritating. Why can’t you just say, “my page numbers are off”? Why does it have to be, “my pagination is not the same as yours” or “this is an old book and the pagination is off”? I mean, I realize that it doesn’t sound as intelligent and I realize that pagination is a real word, but must you use it five times every hour?

Sincerely,

Your very grateful, but extremely irritated student

Dear Utah,

Thank you for recognizing Pioneer Day as a state holiday. This gave me the opportunity to sleep in this morning, and now to avoid all people all day if needs be. I can feel myself getting back to normal, so tomorrow should be better.

With immense gratitude,

A current resident

Dear friends, family and stalkers,

Thank you for putting up with my sassiness during these trying times. Thank you for laughing with me, rather than at me. Thank you for your encouraging words and your patience. Thank you for understanding that sometimes it’s better to just leave me alone for a bit. Thank you for not asking me why I’m tearing up while watching Rumor Has It. I am truly a very lucky girl to have such great people in my life. I promise to be back to my sweet, kind, normal self soon (Erika, now would not be a good time to argue that point).

Love,

Chloe