existential dilemmas

Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced. – Kierkegaard

o hanami

Posted on April 4, 2013 by chloe elizabeth

So, I took a lot of photos of the cherry blossoms. A lot. This isn’t even a quarter of them. I would love to write some brilliant post to go along with these about just how beautiful the whole celebration of cherry blossoms (hanami) is, both literally and figuratively. I have the post inside of my brain somewhere. But honestly, I have a lot of other things on my mind right now, none of which have anything to do with sakura or hanami, or which I’m prepared to blog about. (It’s been a bit of a rough week.) So, until I figure out how to get the thoughts in my head out, I hope you’ll just enjoy these photos. Already it’s taken me over a week to post these, so I hope you’ll also forgive my lack of editing (other than a crop or straighten here and there). Maybe someday I’ll get around to it…

The canal by my apartment was an amazing place to take a bike and view the blossoms. And because I’m an early riser, I was out and about before most people had awoken from their drunken escapades of Friday night.

So amazing.

Everyone takes photos of the blossoms.

Seriously, how did I get so lucky?

There are other flowers out as it is spring. And they are also stunning.

My new favorite scent. Daphne (above) is this lovely little flowering shrub that smells like heaven. I wish I could bottle it.

A beautiful path I came across as I was riding through Shinjuku. This is part of Waseda University. My alma-mater didn’t have anything like this.

This is the big park in Shinjuku (not the one right by my apartment…although I took a lot of photos in that park, as well). It was pretty dang crowded, and absolutely stunning.

I loved this little girl taking a photo the couple. She’s pretty much adorable.

I wish even one of these photos accurately captured just how magnificent the cherry blossoms really are. And the feeling you get walking under them.

My little part of Tokyo. I might have pinched myself multiple times this day, wondering if my life was a dream.

Shinjuku Gyoen (Park) is pretty big. No Central Park, but still impressive. This was my first time inside and I am smitten. It has different areas classified by the type of gardens. The one above is the French section. I can’t wait to go see this in the summer.

So. Many. People.

Posing.

O hanami.

I took this on Sunday after church. I love that I get to go to church right next to the temple.

a perfectly ordinary weekend

Posted on March 10, 2013 by chloe elizabeth

Without getting too deep into the details (I’ve drafted a super detailed post, but I’m not sure anyone really wants to read that much), to say this past week was hard would be an understatement. There were some really good moments, but honestly, this week was by far the hardest one I’ve had since moving to Japan (and then some). It was long and exhausting and things kept going wrong. Like really basic things; missing my stop on the train, getting on the wrong train, my computer crashing, my email not working, not being able to find things on shared drives, forgetting to respond to an email I really needed to respond to, etc, etc. And that on top of a schedule that would have kicked my butt all on its own.

By the time Friday rolled around, I was so happy, I might have cried tears of joy. You know, as opposed the tears of frustration and failure that I’d cried on various other occasions during the week. In fact, I’m pretty sure God knew that I had hit my limit because, while I had made a commitment to myself to attend the temple, I was having a serious existential crisis trying to figure out how to keep that commitment and get everything done at work that I needed to get done, and just like that, five minutes before I needed be walking out the door, my computer kicked me off. I just stared at my screen as program after program shut down and I was logged off. I was done. That put enough of a pause in my work momentum to remind me that, contrary to what my actions of indicate, no one was going to die if I didn’t get this or that email sent or form filled out. So I packed up my stuff, said goodbye to my coworkers (all of whom were still there) and walked out the door.

I’m sure I would have enjoyed my weekend whether I had made it to the temple or not, but I’m also sure that it was that much better because I did go. I just needed to be reminded of what is most important. Combine that with some warmer temperatures, and a perfect weekend was in the making.

After the temple and dinner out at this amazing kushiage place, Tatsukichi, that one of my business heads recommended, I was walking home and suddenly I was in this perfect Tokyo moment. I’m not sure exactly how to describe it, except to say that I felt completely content and happy. One of those moments you wish you could capture in a photograph to put on your wall or bottle up to be imbibed later. I couldn’t stop smiling. Which was kind of incredible considering the week I’d just had. But that’s life, right?

Besides going to the temple, I made one other very important decision during the week which greatly affected the awesomeness of my weekend. I got a cleaning lady recommendation from one of my friends and scheduled her to come on Saturday morning. What an amazing blessing to be able to afford that right now. I know it won’t be a forever thing, but right now I can afford it and it’s totally worth it to buy myself some time.

Saturday morning, Norie showed up and, at first, I wasn’t quite sure what to do with myself. It was kind of like when the movers came to pack me up in New York. I’m not used to sitting by while other people do the things I would normally do and that I’m perfectly capable of doing. Seeing as how I’d just purchased myself three hours of time not cleaning, I didn’t let too much time pass before getting on with what I wanted to do. So, as Norie cleaned for three hours, I sat on my couch preparing my lesson for church today. In addition to teaching the girls on Wednesday about makeup and such, it was my turn to teach them at church as well.

So nice and clean! Now if the rest of my stuff could just arrive…

Can I just say that I am now convinced that there is no better way to start a Saturday than having someone else clean your house while you focus for three hours on the things that matter most? I read scriptures and watched videos (my favorite being one about this one) and listened to talks about the Savior. It was pretty much the best money I’ve spent in a long time. And it was exactly what I needed; a clean apartment and a clear, focused mind.

It was then time to get outside and enjoy an incredibly beautiful (almost) spring day. And what better way to do it than to go for a bike ride…which I needed to do because I had to go pick up my bicycle from my old apartment. (I’d left it there when I’d moved because it wouldn’t fit into my friend’s car with all of my things and it was too cold to ride.) And Saturday was a perfect day for a bike ride. It was warm and sunny and the air just smelled like spring. I was clearly not made for winter.

I had plans to get out to IKEA to pick up a few things I didn’t buy in the states, but as I started out on my way home, those plans just didn’t seem that important anymore. I had been rushing so much during the week (and the weeks before) that taking as much time as I wanted to stop and smell the flowers (literally) on my way was a luxury I did not want to pass up. And that bike ride confirmed to me that I had made the right decision to not miss Tokyo in the spring.

plum blossoms just outside my apartment building

cherry blossoms (or ‘sakura’ in Japanese) down a little alley on my route from Roppongi to Nishishinjuku

And then Saturday night my dear friend Jennifer (one of my favorite people here!) hosted a little dinner party (or in my case, dessert party) at her home in celebration of her new waffle iron recently arrived from the states. Any reason to throw a party is a good one…but fun things from the U.S. might be the best one when living overseas! Such a fun evening. No rush. No stress. Just good food and fantastic friends.

And finally today. I love Sundays, but today was a particularly good one. And while I have no idea how well my lesson went (it’s hard to tell when you’re teaching teenagers), I made it through it and was able to get the girls to share a little. And I was able to share a little bit of myself with them. And after church, I got to do a little singing as I prepped to sing in church next Sunday. Something I’ve been promising myself I would do for a very long time.

Definitely still needs a little work, but I’ve got a week…and I’m making someone else sing with me (she just wasn’t able to stay after today to practice). I’m not quite ready to solo but oh how I do love to sing. This makes me miss my college (and high school, for that matter) singing days a lot. Maybe I’ll have to add voice lessons onto the list of “things to do while in Japan”. You know, squeeze it in between work, church, travel, socializing, ikebana classes (which I’m starting again next Saturday), learning to play the guitar, and just normal life stuff. Why not, right? I mean, clearly last week is an indication that I can take more on…

dear you…brought to you by two point five days in az

Posted on March 4, 2013 by chloe elizabeth

Dear Chub-Chubs,
I realize I’m the one that decided to move to Tokyo, but I’d like to request that you stop growing up until I get back. I mean, I realize that you probably want to keep walking and that talking would make your life a lot easier, but seriously, if you could just hit the pause button for the next 18-24 months I’d really appreciate it. And I know you don’t know me quite as well as your siblings, but I promise, we are going to be the best of friends and you will come to realize just how fun I am. I swear.
Love,
Auntie Chlo-Chlo

Dear Boo,
Please continue to be the sweet girl you are today. It’s so fun to see you with your little cousins and the kindness and love that I know they can feel from you. I’m so lucky to be your aunt!
Love,
Aunt Chloe

Dear Sister,
Thank you for all that you do for me. I don’t know what I would do without you. Even from 6,000 miles and who-knows-how-many time zones away, you take good care of me. Thank you for running me around everywhere I needed to go and letting me ship things to your house and use your address as my “home” for all my USA needs. Thank you for staying up late with me (or letting me stay up late with you?) and for keeping your house stocked with all of my favorites and just being awesome. I know it sucks that we don’t have Mom around, but you do a pretty great job filling in.
Miss you lots and love you more,
Elizabeth (I’d rather go with that nickname than publicly disclose the other names you call me…on that note, thanks for always reminding me that I’m still your little sister.)
P.S. Tell your husband thank you, too. I know he sacrifices a lot when I’m in town and I really appreciate that, too.

Dear Mims and Pepperoni,
Thank you for still loving me as much as you do even though I moved to Tokyo. I love that you still want me to cuddle with you at night and that you still want to take baths in “Chlo-Chlo’s bath”. I love that you are so excited for me to get there that you start counting down the days weeks in advance. But more than anything, I just love you. There’s nothing quite as therapeutic as your laughter. I hope you both know just how much I love you even from so far away. I can’t wait to see you the next time I’m home (maybe in July…). Please don’t grow up too much while I’m gone. I hope you’re being good for your soccer coach these days. I’m sad I was there too early to see your games. I promise I won’t miss too many more seasons as long as you promise you’ll keep playing.
Love,
Auntie Chlo-Chloe

Dear Brittlit,
Thanks for ditching your friends to come to dinner with the fam. I know at your age that’s not always an easy decision, but it meant a lot to me.
Love,
Aunt Chloe

So, I maybe stole this from my sister-in-law’s FB, but I needed a pic of the missionary and his sister.

Dear Elder Andersen,
We all missed you. It was weird not having you around. And it was a little hard to see how much all the kids were missing you (and your mom and dad, too), but we are all so proud of you and know you are exactly where you should be. I hope Texas is treating you well.
Love,
Your Favorite Aunt (and the one that writes you every week)

Dear Sister-through-Marriage,
Thank you for being from AZ and wanting to return there. And thank you for being such a good mom to my darling nephew and nieces. And for always being there when I need you. And for taking me to get my very first pedicure. And for introducing me to “good” makeup.
Love you,
Your Favorite Sister-in-Law (I won’t tell if you won’t tell)

Dear Arizona,
Thank you for feeling like home. Thank you for all of the wonderful memories and friendships that you still hold. Thank you for the multiplicity of drive-thru Sonics, cheap pedicures, my favorite chain restaurants, and warm weather in February. Someday I will be back for good, but in the meantime, please keep treating me as well as you do. And please keep taking care of my family. I can’t wait to see you this summer.
Love,
A girl who must apologize for how ugly she thought you were the first time she visited her older brother and his new wife all those years ago

Dear Big Brother,
Thank you for deciding to follow your girlfriend to AZ all those years ago. So many good things have happened in my life as a result of that decision, not the least of which was getting an awesome new sister, but lots of other things, too. And thanks for always being willing to pick me up and drop me off at the airport (even though it means you have to stay up late and/or get up early to do so). Our drives from and to the airport are some of my favorite memories and conversations.
Love,
Your favorite sister (Just like I said to Justin…it’s okay, everyone knows it’s true.)

Dear MTC Companion,
Who’d have guessed all those years ago that you’d end up living two miles from my sister and brother? Thank you for being so accommodating whenever I’m in town and making time to see me. What a blessing it was to have met you. I’m so glad you ended up on your mission a little later than you had planned. My life wouldn’t be the same without you in it.
Love,
The non-crazy one from our companionship of three
P.S. Next time we’re together we need to take a picture…it’s been way too long!

dear you…brought to you by two point five days in south bend

Posted on February 15, 2013 by chloe elizabeth

Dear Diet Coke,

I missed you so much! I know you aren’t good for me, but I can’t help myself. You are a part of me and I don’t think that will every change.

Sips and kisses,

Chloe

P.S. Please don’t be offended when I return to the States permanently and lose much of my interest. I’m just your typical girl; always wanting what I can’t have.

Dear Delta,

I really, really like you, but things got a little touchy there for a minute (or five). I don’t blame you for my lack of upgrades. I mean, I can’t really compete with your platinum and diamond members. But the canceled flight that was so poorly handled? Things were not looking good for us. And then my bags that almost didn’t make it on the plane because your new terminal at JFK still needs a little more signage. I was seriously questioning my loyalty. But, thankfully, you made up for it in a voucher, bags that arrived on time, and access to the Sky Club. Hopefully next trip will be a little less eventful.

With some reservations,

Chloe

Dear Dan, Bill, and college kid whose name eludes me right now,

Thanks for wanting to drive down to South Bend when our flight from Detroit got canceled. I would have been so sad to not be with my monkeys when they woke up Friday morning. And Dan, thank you for providing some serious laughs (on the inside…I didn’t want to make you feel awkward) when you awoke with a start because the car fish tailed just a little. I mean there’s nothing quite like an “Oh jeez!” flying out of someone’s mouth upon waking up. It was pretty much awesome. College Kid and me had a good laugh at your expense once we dropped you off. The best drive with three strangers at midnight in a snow storm that I could have every hoped for.

Love,

A girl who’s really glad you weren’t rapists or serial killers because that would have really ruined my time in the States

Dear Chili’s,

You are one of a few chain restaurants that I truly love. Not just tolerate or put up with, but actually love. Thank you for being in JFK and DTW. Diet Coke, chips and salsa, and a molten. What more could a girl ask for?

Love,

A girl who wonders why she struggles with her weight (okay, not really)

Dear Foreigner,

I knew you were an ’80s hair band when I saw you in the Sky Club, but admittedly didn’t realize which one (or that you were actually pretty famous) until I saw the CD you gave the concierge and verified via google images. Unfortunately, I also didn’t figure out in time to get an autograph for my older brother. He’s a huge fan of Mick Jones.

With much regret,

Chloe

P.S. You guys all seemed super nice (crew included) and that made me happy.

Dear Hertz,

I just want to apologize for the damage I did to the very nice, 2014 Subaru I rented (well, I was upgraded into). I didn’t intentionally not see that the road narrowed or that there was a curb hiding under all of that snow as I cruised along at 40 MPH, but that doesn’t change the fact that I did it. Unfortunately for you, I did purchase the full insurance (a rule of thumb in crap weather) so I’m not paying anything to repair it. That said, given the number of other times I’ve purchased the insurance and not had any issues, I think you’re still coming out on top.

My sincere apologies,

A girl who is glad she errs on the side of caution these days

Dear Sister-in-Law,

Thank you for being into hair and makeup so that when I had to leave my luggage in Detroit I know it was going to be okay.

Love,

Your sister-in-law who is equally into hair and makeup and needs them both much more than you these days

Dear little brother (yes, I will always call you “little”),

Thanks for being awesome and changing out the flat tire in a snow storm before I even realized it had gone flat overnight and couldn’t be fixed. You know I could have done it because you taught me how, but I really appreciate that I didn’t have to.

Love your favorite sister (it’s okay, everyone knows it’s true),

Chloe

P.S. Erika and Alicia, if you’re reading this, don’t be offended. It’s not like I’m winning by a lot. Just a little. But I am winning.

Dear Grandma,

Thanks for teaching me how to make Swedish pancakes. Mine aren’t nearly as good as yours (Brad says it’s because I don’t add enough love…), but the littles all like them just fine (as do the bigs) and I have you to thank for that. And yes, I do still eat mine like I did when I was four. They just taste better that way.

Love,

Chloe

P.S. Happy belated birthday! (I did leave you a message, but the time difference makes things a little tricky…)

Dear Noodles,

Even with all of the varieties of gourmet mac ‘n’ cheese I have been able to try over the past few years, yours is still my fave. And I’m pretty sure a certain munchkin feels the same way.

Sincerely,

Chloe

Dear Nev,

Thanks for sponsoring another amazing dinner for your children. We really appreciate it. Sad you couldn’t be there with us! But, since you couldn’t, here’s a picture of the dessert Justin ordered. A delicious bourbon cup(literally)cake with maple frosting and bacon. Maybe not an ideal dessert, but an awesome breakfast idea. Anyway, it was lovely.

Love,

Your favorite youngest daughter

Dear muddy buddies,

Thank you.

Chloe

Dear sick baby,

I’m sad you weren’t feeling well, but I can’t lie. The resulting cuddles were my favorite.

Love,

Auntie Chlo-Chlo

Dear Book and Run,

You are by far my favorite card game. I just wish more people knew how to play you. And thanks for working in my favor this go. It felt so good to beat both Justin and Cherity. If only Erika had been there, my victory would have been complete.

Hope to play you soon,

Chloe

Dear Soccer,

Thank you for being an awesome sport (second only to swimming) and keeping my nieces and nephews busy and active and me entertained. I don’t know if there’s anything cuter than a bunch of 3-7 year olds running around the field trying to score goals. Adorable.

Sincerely,

A girl whose mom ensured she would always love you

Dear Jimmy John,

I’m so sad I didn’t know you existed all of those years I spend in Arizona. I could have know the joy of a #9 so much sooner!

With much sadness about my sandwich options in Japan,

Chloe

Dear Coco,

I’m sorry that you don’t love your little buddy as much as he loves you because seriously, he’s the sweetest. But maybe if I had a tail he pulled I’d try to avoid him the same you do.

Love,

A girl who hopes you’ll try a little harder

Dear Legos,

You are by far my favorite “children’s toy”. I had so much fun watching my niece and nephew play and build with you, their imaginations being the only limit on what they could do.

Love,

The girl who is so happy you made pink and purple Legos to get girls interested in building

P.S. I know there are feminist haters out there, but since Disney keeps telling little girls they should want to grow up to be princesses, pink and purple Legos seem like the much lesser of the two evils.

Dear Little Miss Munchkin,

Thank you for worrying about your aunt and the ninjas over here in Japan. And I super appreciated the brief education I received about the difference between blue ninjas and black ninjas with so much energy and enthusiasm. I would have never guessed that blue ninjas wore all blue and black ninjas wore all black. Very useful.

Love,

Auntie Chlo-Chlo

Dear SBN pilots,

Thank you for knowing how to handle the snow. I would have loved to stay in SBN a few more days, but I was on a tight schedule and getting delayed in SBN might have caused a minor meltdown (or major one).

Love,

A super fan of the SBN regional airport ever since my brother decided to go work there

the last brownie

Posted on February 7, 2013 by chloe elizabeth

Last week I posted this photo on FB (and Instagram…I’m totally addicted to Instagram)…

…and it was really fun to see all of the comments people left. Obviously, I like this picture. But the comments I liked the best weren’t about what I looked like on the outside, but about how people could tell I’m happy. I feel like you can’t fake that. And I wasn’t. I really am so happy with my life right now.

And since arriving in New York and seeing people I haven’t seen in a while, their reaction has been the same. I’ve received lovely compliments about how happy I look. Could there be anything better than that?

That’s not to say that there aren’t things I think I need to change (there are always things I think I need to change), or that it is all sunshine and butterflies (I just had a mini-breakdown about something totally ridiculous on Saturday night). But the reality is somehow, someway, over the past few years, I feel like I’ve figured a few things out.

The first, and most important, is that life is going to happen and I can choose to be a victim or not. And I am not a victim. Yes, crap things have happened to me in my life. Yes, my life is not exactly how I would want it to be if I had control over everything. But. But! I can choose how I react to what happens.

The second is that I can choose to do everything I can to make my life as good as it can possibly be in terms of the things that I can control. I may not have the exact things that I dreamed I would have when I was 16, but I have done the best I can with what I’ve been given and that’s something I can feel really good about.

The third thing is that friends and family are really what matters. I know that I’ve decide to spend the next who knows how long in Tokyo…on the other side of the world from most of my friends and all of my family, but I wouldn’t be able to do that if I didn’t have their support and know that they were there when I need them (and vice versa). And it has been so nice during this trip to be able to see so many friends and most of my immediate family (as of tomorrow night).

Fourth, I really believe that God wants me to be happy. And sometimes part of that happiness means going through hard things so that I can learn and grow. But if I choose to learn and grow from those hard things, I will be a better person for it. And I will have the confidence that comes from going through hard things and the ability to empathize with those in similar circumstances.

And finally (and maybe most importantly) on those days when all else fails, I can always think of someone who deserves that last brownie more than I do. And sometimes that’s what it takes.