before the mirror

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Last week, my friend Linda came into town and stayed with me. On Sunday, we decided to take advantage of my wonderful corporate benefits and go to a couple of museums (I get in for free…along with a guest); the Met and the Guggenheim. I had never been to the Guggenheim and, sadly, didn’t actually know what kind of art it housed, beyond what I had seen in When in Rome. Being a huge fan of late 19th/early 20th century art, it did not disappoint. I fell in love with the museum (it’s much less overwhelming than the Met).

Art is such an interesting thing. There are certain things, objective things, that we can all understand and appreciate if we study it, but then there is the subjective aspect which is what I think makes it so amazing. Whether music, theater, sculpture, film, paintings, etc, we all experience it differently.

Before the Mirror – Edouard Manet – 1876

I can’t say that Manet is one of my most favorite artists, but I do love that period in French art and I do love several of his paintings. However, this painting is a new favorite. I think, in part, because this woman could be any woman. You don’t see her face. She’s not supermodel skinny. She’s just a woman, and even without seeing her face, you can (or at least I can) tell that she’s beautiful…because it’s not about her face. It’s not about her body. It’s about being a woman. And there’s something in her pose that indicates that she knows this; her posture, her hands, the way she’s turned.

Looking at this painting, which I did for several minutes, I had a very personal experience; my own little revelation. And this is what I LOVE about art, in whatever form. And how lucky am I to live in a city where I have access (sometimes discounted or even free through my job) to so many amazing museums, productions, concerts, etc? What New York lacks in natural beauty, it makes up for in the manmade variety.

rhode island, part 2

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As the pictures showed, Rhode Island is a beautiful place and it was so fun to get out of the city and meet some new people and get to know some less new people a little better. But it was not just about discovering this new place. It was also about me discovering a new me. (How’s that for an overly built-up lead? I only wish that I thought the rest of this post was going to be so dramatic…hopefully I can do the experience a little justice.)

The Background, Part 1:
For those of you who aren’t Mormon (or who are Mormon and got married at 22 and don’t have a lot–or any–“older” single friends), you may not get this…but here’s the thing. Mormons over a certain age and still single are kind of socially awkward. This is not a statement that can be limited either. The bottom line is we all are. A little bit. And some, obviously, much more than others. The are many reasons for this. The one I’m going to focus on is that we believe that families are eternal and an integral part of our progression, both in this life and in the life after this one. Because of this, there is a huge focus on dating and marriage and popping out babies. And this focus creates an inordinate amount of pressure when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex at any age over, say, 27. (I’m being generous, it really starts at like 18, but whatever.)

This creates an awkward dynamic for those of us in our late twenties and beyond who are still single. Any social interactions between members of the opposite sex who are both single and Mormon have this constant underlying tension. Tension that comes from the ever present conscious or subconscious question: Could I possibly want to date and/or marry this person? Or, in my case, it has often been: Could this person possibly want to date and/or marry me?

No, I’m not joking.

So, very few relationships between members of the opposite sex are just normal friendships. The hunt for a partner seems to be ever present.

The Background, Part 2:
I have never been one who dates a lot. I have never been the girl that boys just ask out. I, and for those of you who know me this will come as no surprise, have blamed this lack of dating on not being pretty enough/thin enough/flirty enough, etc, etc, etc. Through lots of therapy and even more introspection, I have come to the sad realization that much of this reality is the result of my own thoughts and actions, and has next to nothing to do with what I look like (other than how my thoughts about what I look like affect my actions).

Whether it was the chicken first or the egg, the bottom line: I don’t date a lot and I am SUPER insecure when it comes to single men, Mormon ones in particular.

The Background, Part 3:
My adventures in dating non-Mormons (which is basically over) was a huge step in the right direction. I know I’ve already blogged about some of the things I learned in the process, but I just want to revisit those most relevant to this post.

  1. I’m not unattractive.
  2. In 6 out of 7 experiences, the guy I went out with wanted to go out again…and again. And it wasn’t because I was putting out. (Not on the first date, anyway.)
  3. Dating is really fun when you take away all the pressure of a future relationship or marriage and just use it as a means of getting to know a person.

Rhode Island:
The trip to R.I. was not just about getting out of the city and relaxing. I had a personal goal. I wanted to try and just be myself around a group of Mormon coeds…like I am able to do when dating these non-Mormon guys. This is not an easy task for me and requires serious commitment. (The reality is that the way I’ve dealt with my insecurities around Mormon guys is to turn into a b@#!$. I know. I have issues. I already mentioned that I was in therapy.)

So, without boring you with the details, I will say that the trip to Rhode Island was a success on all levels. I had a great time. I was myself. I was not a b@#!$ to the guys on the trip. (Maybe a little bit to one of the girls…but she was really, really obnoxious and rude…still, I feel bad about that.) I chatted people up, overcoming all of my insecurities about whether people will like me or not (both guys and girls). I went to the beach and wore a bathing suit without worrying about what I looked like in it. And I came home with a number of new friends.

After Rhode Island:
There was one particular guy that I met that I thought I would like to hang out with again. And, rather than just say, “Oh, he was cool. Too bad I probably won’t ever talk to him again because I’m not this or that,” I emailed him. This, of course, was pathetically scary for me. But I did it. And he emailed back. And then I emailed back. And then that was the end of that (translation: he didn’t email me back).

It would be easy to see that as some kind of defeat; a confirmation of all of the lies that I believe about myself…but that’s not what happened. Instead, I felt very victorious. This trip, for me, was not about me meeting someone who I might want to date at some future point (or even now). I mean, that would have been great, but it also would have been just a little too fairy-tale-esque for my reality. This trip was about me getting over my ridiculous fears and insecurities. It was about me not putting up this wall with the words “I’m a b@#!$” spray painted across it. It was about whatever happened that made my reaction to not hearing from this kid again totally rational, instead of laden with self-doubt and self-loathing.

When I didn’t hear from this guy, my thought was, “He probably thinks that I want to date him (because we single Mormons are just that socially messed up) and he doesn’t think he wants to date me which is really too bad. If only he could be approaching this the same way I am in terms of developing a friendship because I think we would be good friends.” And yes, maybe he was approaching it the same way and just didn’t want to be friends. Whatever. The important thing here is not what he was thinking, it was my reaction.

The difference between that and how I would have normally reacted are just slightly nuanced, but that nuance is so important. To make it a little more clear, here’s what I didn’t think. I didn’t think, “If I were prettier, he’d want to be friends.” I also didn’t think, “He probably wishes that so-and-so had emailed him and not me.” And finally, I didn’t think “If I had just been myself and not been on the defensive, maybe he would have wanted to hang out.”

It’s progress. Maybe minor, but real.

rhode island

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I have fallen in love…with Rhode Island. For so many reasons, not the least of which was this lovely view from the deck of the cottage in which I was staying with my lovely friends.


I know I’m a little behind in blogging about it (I got back Sunday night), but life has been busy since. Seriously, though, the weekend away was just what I needed for so many reasons. I love New England! I’ll blog more about my personal epiphanies and emotional progression later (it was a packed weekend), but for now, here are a few more pictures.

Amazing wild flowers…Rhode Island is just beautiful this time of year.
The beach was so fun…and I’m tan enough that I didn’t even have to wear sunblock. A first in about…8 years.
Apple picking…that’s an apple I’m eating. Loved it!
The little house in front of the apple orchard. Disregard the fact that the picture is crooked (no time for edits)…isn’t that such an idyllic little scene?
Mystic Pizza in Mystic, CT…if you haven’t seen the movie, you should. It’s called Mystic Pizza. Julia Roberts. Fantastic

a little late to the party

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So, I think I might have mentioned that I’ve been doing a little dating of the on-line variety. Anyway, one of these boys, “the PhD” as he will be know on the blog, is turning out to be lots of fun. And for once in my life, I’m not worried about where it’s going or even if it’s going. I’m just dating.

I know I mentioned that I was going to be making a shift back to trying to date Mormons*, but the PhD is not Mormon and I’m just fine with that because he is okay with the fact that I am. Sure, it’s led to a few very interesting and semi-awkward conversations that I won’t be sharing in any detail here. But even those conversations have been enjoyable because I’m not stressed out about whether something is going to be a deal-breaker or whatever.

Tonight he asked me why, if I am looking to get married as the end result of dating, I’m not being more selective in who I date. (He knows I’ve been dating a lot…we have oddly honest conversations about all kinds of things people don’t normally openly discuss because when you have to have those semi-awkward conversations, everything else seems kind of normal.) It’s a good question. And the best answer I’ve come up with is that I’m still trying to figure out what I want and how to be myself in the process of looking for/finding what I want, and dating–without worrying so much about the marriage factor–is helping.

So, this may be a little late in coming–like 12 years late–but I’ve decided to act like I’m 20 and just see how it goes. For right now, I’m enjoying myself. A lot.

*I was going to say “back to dating Mormons”, but let’s be honest here, it’s always just been an effort, not a reality. Something about me and Mormon boys doesn’t mix…and I’m starting to realize that I might be a big part of the problem in that combination. 

back to my blonde self

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Freshly colored and cut…I love my stylists in AZ.

When I decided to come play in AZ over Labor Day weekend (I already had Friday and Monday off because my job is awesome!), I thought I might as well get my hair done because I know (and LOVE) my former employer, Dolce Salon & Spa in Chandler. Having seen Mariel in June for my transition back to blond locks and loving what she did, I managed to get in with her again. Unfortunately, due to some scheduling issues, she couldn’t do my cut, but Carrie did a fantastic job.

Now, at some point I will need to find someone to do my hair in NYC, but for now, this worked out nicely (and was quite a bit cheaper than the same service with someone equally good would have been in New York).

I must say I am loving the blonde me. Sure, the brunette me was fun to try, but this just feels so much better. And for the record, even though my last few posts offer no proof of this, I do actually do my hair…occasionally.