existential dilemmas

Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced. – Kierkegaard

Happy Feet…

Posted on February 14, 2007 by chloe elizabeth

These are the new running shoes. I purchased them on Saturday at the Runner’s Corner in Orem–a new favorite store.

I’ve been meaning to get new running shoes for a long time and I’ve wanted to go to this store ever since it was recommended by another runner, but I was so intimidated because, truthfully, I don’t really look like I can pound out 13.1 miles.

But the girl helping me was great. She watched me run to see how my step is (my left foot is balanced, my right supinates) and then she just brought out the shoes and I compared them until I put these on. It was like walking on pillows, except that I imagine that walking on pillows takes quite a bit of effort, and these made walking (and running) feel effortless. They’re a random brand I have never heard of, Pearl Izumi, but they feel good and the store has an amazing return policy. They want you to love your shoes.

I didn’t get a chance to really try them out until yesterday, but considering that on my first run I put 6.6 miles on them without a blister, hot spot or new callous, I’d say it was a job well done.

Needless to say, I’m a happy runner with happy feet–and I love that now, with my Nike+ (the black thing on my left foot is the chip that I’ve attached to the outside–I refuse to buy a pair of Nike’s that I won’t like just so I can put the chip inside), I will know exactly how many miles I have logged on these shoes…9.7 and counting.

friends and blessings…

Posted on February 13, 2007 by chloe elizabeth

I know this is such a cliche thing to say, but really, I have fantastic friends. And I wrote this great post about them and then my internet froze and I lost it…hopefully I can recapture the thoughts and feelings.

Today was a hard day. A really, really hard day. This year has been a hard year, but it kind of comes and goes. Well, today the hard came with a vengeance. And, being the religious person I am, I fully believe that there are forces working against me that want me to fail, to give up, to quit. And that’s where my friends (some of my most favorite blessings) come in.

Along with the difficulty of today came some great support. My former roommate (and present friend) emailed me about her mission call. She’s going to the Washington, D.C. North Mission, Spanish speaking. I am so excited for her. She emailed me and I had to call her just to tell her how excited I am.

Later, my sister called me at work (she ranks in the BFF category) and, even though I wasn’t able to vent my frustrations to her (for those of you who don’t me, I’m a cryer and, well, that’s just not appropriate at work–not to mention the fact that there are certain things I don’t always share with her), it was just nice to hear her voice.

And then, when the hard came pouring over me, deluge style, I picked up and flipped open my phone (such a crazy world) and called one of my dearest friends. She didn’t answer, so I left a sad, pathetic message and she called me back about 20 minutes later and I got to cry and be angry and hurt and scared and bitter and all of those things that we don’t let most people see and say things that would shock those people who never see that part of me. I felt better. My problems weren’t solved. There’s not really a solution other than time. But, in the meantime, I was functional again.

And, as I was laying down, hoping the Advil would kick in so that I could go for a nice, long run, another friend called and we were able to have a good conversation about life and its trials and blessings. And then, because I didn’t feel like my venting would be complete without the inclusion of three more friends, I was able to email them and get it all out.

I have great friends. What I have realized in my old age and maturity (okay, the reality is I’m not that old or mature) is that friendships, the ones that last, do so because they are symbiotic. I knew I could call up my friend today because I have made lots of deposits into our friendship account, and even if I did overdraft at some point (which I have on occasion), she knows I’m good for it.

Friends can’t always solve my problems (nor do I think that they should) or keep me from ever being hurt or crying, but it sure is nice to know that they are there when I need to cry, or yell, or scream, or be silly, or laugh, or just be. And, when I feel like there are so many things wrong with me, they are there to tell me to “shut right up” and move on, or that I’ll be okay, or that I’m being ridiculous…or any number of other things.

And, when I’m missing my mom (let’s face it, when you have a good relationship with your mom, even if she was a little nutty, there’s no one who can compare to her), I know that I have friends who love and support me the way that she would if she were here.

How lucky am I?!

and there was music…

Posted on February 10, 2007 by chloe elizabeth

Music is really so powerful. I love it. I love words put to music. I love the feelings that different songs evoke. Sometimes it is the song itself, sometimes the memory associated with listening to the song. But no matter where the feelings come from, I think one would be hard-pressed to argue away the power of a song. I’m sure I’ve written about this before, because it is one of my most favorite subjects.

Music has changed who I am. A simple melody can take me into memories and the feelings are so powerful, I feel like I’m transported back to those experiences. During some of the most difficult times in my life, music has been my respite, my solace. When I have needed to just “let the feelings flow” in order to get through something hard, music has catalyzed the emotional outpouring. I wonder if everyone feels as I do.

I love that one song can bring me to tears, while another can kindle elation once felt while listening to it. The list of emotions I have felt while listening to different songs is incredible; happiness, gratitude, regret, angst, loneliness, joy, grief, anger, heartache, anguish, delight, bliss, elation, love, peace, sorrow, rapture, wonder…and the list goes on.

Tonight, I created a new musical memory. Sarah, Richard and I (heretofore known as “the roommates” or “roomies” for short) went to see Young Love in concert. I use the phrase “in concert” loosely. We did pay $10 and they were playing live at Kirby Court (this great small, I repeat, small venue in SLC). I don’t know that I had listened to their music ever (their first album was released two weeks ago Tuesday), but I am always up for good live music, especially when it’s a smaller crowd. Sarah burned me a cd (she’s the one who decided we should go to this concert), so we listened to it the whole way up. We got there just as the opening band was finishing.

It was fantastic. The music is a sort of blend between rock, punk, and electronica. The last song they played was “Find a New Way”, which is featured on J. Lo’s new show about dancing (I think it’s like American Idol, dance style). Anyway, Dan Keyes (front man) told us all that we were going to dance…and so we did (not that we hadn’t been before that, but we rocked it hard…yes, I am 29 and I just said that). It was so fun! It’s been a long time (too long) since I danced like that and just let loose. And then we blasted it in the car with the sunroof open (and the heater blasting) as we drove to Starbucks.

I had so much fun and now, that song (and the whole album really), will forever remind me of my fantastic night with the roomies.

And on the whole emotional side of lyrics, here are the lyrics to Schuyler Fisk’s “Lying to You”. What a great song. And which one of us hasn’t felt like this at some point in our lives, after having our heart broken?

I don’t know you.

I don’t love you.

I don’t think about you.

I’m not breaking.

I’m not torn up.

I don’t think about you.

You don’t look good in my bed.

I’ll take back every word I said.

You don’t know me like you think you do.

Truth be told, I’m just lying to you.

I’m just lying to you.

I’m not nervous.

I’m not worried.

I don’t think about you.

I’m not lonely.

I don’t miss you.

I don’t think about you.

You’re not ever on my mind.
I don’t need you in my life.
No, I don’t need you like you think I do.

Truth be told, well, I’m just lying to you.

Well, I’m just lying to you.

I’m just afraid

Of what you might say,

Of what you’re thinking now.

I’m in pieces

And you’re still speechless.

So, where does that leave us now?

I don’t know you.

I don’t love you.

I don’t think about you.

I’m not breaking.

I’m not torn up.

I don’t think about you.

Truth be told, I’m just lying to you.

I’m just lying to you.

I’ve been crying for you.

And I can’t keep lying to you.

I love music! I love how there is a song to express any feeling and a feeling to go with any song.

i have a new boyfriend!!!

Posted on February 9, 2007 by chloe elizabeth

Sadly, he doesn’t know it yet. His name is Joshua Radin. He seems to think this other girl is his girlfriend (the one for whom he wrote “The Fear You Won’t Fall”), but he needs to get over that.

If I could find a cute, nice boy to sing to me the way he sings…it would be over. Oh wait, I did find one…he just needs to realize it. His voice seriously makes me melt.

Schuyler Fisk opened for my boyfriend and she was great. And with the sexual tension between her and the bass player (guitar–there was a string bass player as well, but he was kind of creepy), you knew something was going on. My dreams of becoming a famous contemporary folk singer live on–and not because of the bass player :-). There’s just something so powerful about music. I love it!

My life really is fabulous! Especially now that I have a super sexy boyfriend! How lucky am I? Sarah has a new boyfriend, as well. His name is C-bass and he’s a drummer. We are the luckiest girls ever!

Unexpected blessings…

Posted on February 8, 2007 by chloe elizabeth

This week has been good (so far). I met with my bishop on Sunday and we had a good conversation about tithing. For the first time in my life, I am behind. Well, I resolved on Sunday that in a month I would be caught up. I had no idea how that was going to happen, but I made the decision and, for those of you who don’t know me, that’s all it’s ever taken for something to happen in my life (except for losing weight…and that’s a whole different story full of emotional issues that doesn’t ever need to be discussed :-).

I went to work on Monday and I got an email from a friend to whom I had loaned a large amount of money a little over a year ago. Now, I always knew that my friend would pay me back (although my mother taught me that when you loan money, if you want to never risk ruining a relationship, you have to do it under the assumption that you may not be paid back and that just has to be okay). So, in this email, my cute friend told me she had the money and that she would be sending it to me. And it was exactly the right amount of money to pay my tithing and my HOA fee…okay, not to the penny or anything, but still, I feel very blessed.

The other neat experience (I like the word neat) was going to MTC (missionary training center) today to roll play with the missionaries, allowing them to practice their French. I’ve done this once before, but it isn’t really convenient with my work schedule. Well, this week I decided that I would just give up my lunch hour (and I have overtime, so my “hour” was really about two and a half) and volunteer. It was so great! Just like the baguettes brought me back to Lyon, this experience put me right back on the mission. All of these great memories just flooded into my mind and washed over me, reminding me how much I love my beliefs and how blessed I am to know that God exists and that He loves me, personally.

So, that’s my preaching for today! Life really is good…and I’m almost ready for my accounting exam that I will take tomorrow, right before heading to Salt Lake to see Joshua Radin.