I don’t know what it was about this moment, but there was something magical. Unfortunately, I’m not yet good enough with a camera to capture what I was feeling.
Tyra Banks is not exaclty someone I idolize. While, I will admit that I did enjoy the season finale of “America’s Top Model” last night, I didn’t live and die by it. I have never watched the Tyra Banks show…or whatever it’s called. But the other day, Shape magazine came in the mail (free subscription for registering through Active.com for a 5k) and Tyra was on the cover, with an article about body confidence and her So What? campaign. The actual title of the article was “why I love my body…just the way it is”.
I read the article and it made me a fan (still no idolizing). She has some great “love-your-body tips” and, while I haven’t felt the need to incorporate them all into my life, since I read the article, I keep having these “so what?” moments. And let me tell you, it feels good.
I was in Nordstrom last Friday, shopping, which I mentioned in here. What I didn’t say…because I really do have issues…is that not only did I buy two pairs of shoes, but I also found a dress. I found this great dress and grabbed the size that I thought would fit, and it did, not that I was happy about it. But then, I looked in the mirror and it looked great and I thought to myself, “I don’t love this size, but so what? It looks fantastic!” One of Tyra’s tips is to buy an article of clothing/outfit that makes you feel fabulous, so I went ahead and purchased the dress.
Another moment, the one that acted as a catalyst for this post, happened today. I finally sucked it up and went for a run. I haven’t been running for a few weeks. I went walking a couple of times last week, but no running and with a 5k to run on Saturday, I thought now might be a good time to make sure that I was not going to die.
I got in my car and headed to the canyon. I was proud of myself for finally going, but I was not looking forward to the run…and there began the negative self-talk. “You know, three months ago you could run ten miles. Three months ago you weighed ten pounds less,” etc. Well, it was in that moment that this voice piped up (a voice I am still getting used to) and screamed, “So what?”
I got out of my car, put my headphones in, turned on my nano, got my nike+ rolling and I was off. It felt so good. I just ran…and then walked…and then ran some more. Normally, I become very frustrated when I start walking, mainly because I have a very hard time running again due to my somewhat obsessive “all or nothing” tendencies which tell me that, once I start walking, I have failed. But yesterday was different. Before I even set off, I decided that I wanted to do five miles, and if that meant walking, “so what?” I was outside, moving my body, enjoying nature. I ran a mile, walked a mile, ran a mile, walked a mile and finished out running the last mile. I wasn’t frustrated or upset. I didn’t feel like a failure at all. For an hour yesterday, I just loved my body and what it was capable of. It was amazing!
I wasn’t going to write about the series finale of Gilmore Girls because I feel like a bit of a fraud. I didn’t follow the Gilmores from the start. I only started watching last summer (I love t.v. on DVD), although I have watched every episode, except for a select few from this season. I guess what I’m saying is that I have not been through seven years of Gilmore. I have only been through one.
But as I was reflecting on it last night and this morning, wondering just why I got so emotional last night (although, I cry at Hallmark cards, so it shouldn’t surprise me), I realized that, not only is it Lorelai and Rory’s relationship that rips at my heartstrings, but that the first six seasons of Gilmore (watched over the course of about two months) are what got me through one of the hardest, possibly the hardest, time in my life. Watching those endless, commercial free hours gave me something to look forward to each day during a time when life seemed very, very bleak.
I think that’s a large part of what I was feeling last night. It has now been almost a year since I called off my wedding. I have moved on. I have had closure. I don’t dread getting out of bed each day. I’ve gone on dates. I have a great life. But my relationship with the Gilmores is what got me out of bed sometimes and helped to get all the tears out that I needed to cry. So, yesterday, while watching the show, it was like enjoying those last few moments with a dear friend, one who understands you perfectly, and then having to say goodbye…forever. And watching Lorelai and Rory part made me really miss my mom. And now I’m going to end this post before I start to cry…again. Yes, I am truly pathetic sometimes.
A little love from the Gilmores:
Lorelai: Ah, things happen for a reason.
Rory: Since when is that your philosophy?
Lorelai: Since now. By the way, I’m also a communist.
Rory: Really?
Lorelai: Yes, ’cause I look damn good in red.
P.S. Erika, I hope you appreciate that I’ve enjoyed every t.v. show you’ve ever recommended…except maybe Lois and Clark.
Just some fun pics from a night of bowling (it was in April). I’m so glad that I started blogging because, as I was discussing with a few of my coworkers yesterday, I do a much better job of documenting all of the fun things I am doing. I think I might actually do more fun things because of it, as well. 
The pics are courtesy of Sarah. She takes such fun pictures…she just takes a while to email them to you (and, Sarah, you know I’m saying that with all of the love in the world).
existential dilemmas 
