It’s interesting that I can hate something about myself so much, and yet do nothing to resolve the problem. Kind of like my finances.

Anyway, today we had a team building activity that included physical challenges. I pretty much hated it. Well, I liked the team building aspect, but all I can think about during any of those challenges is how, if I weren’t fat, I would enjoy this stuff so much more.

So why is it that I don’t do anything about it? It’s rhetorical. I don’t have the capacity to think about it right now.

Why not? Because I’m exhausted and stressed about what I’m going to do with the rest of my life, and I miss my friends a lot. I know it will get better and I will make new friends in the program, and I will do stuff with them, but right now, I’m just really lonely. The other girl in my group, Jenn Larson, is fabulous, but she’s married and into her own little life. Not that I expected her to be my instant friend, but I didn’t realize how sad I would be.

Add to that the fact that the people with whom I get along best in the program are the married men, and well…you can see how that would be a problem.

And then today, after our activity, we talked more about the information we give off through our actions. Wow. That was humbling. I have a lot to work on.

I cannot believe that I am not even a week into the program and I already feel totally overwhelmed. These are the moments when I really, really, really miss my mom.

Today at orientation, Dr. Merrill talked about our personal brand and how we are in a position right now to completely recreate our brand if necessary, or solidify the brand we have already started.

I was struck, yet again, by how blessed I am to have this opportunity and just what an awesome responsibility it is. I really want to make the most of it and I want to become the person that I have always dreamed of becoming.

Here are some ideas that I thought about today. I’m sure I will add to it later, but I think it’s a good start. I want to be:

• someone who empowers others. I think fear and insecurity often drive me to want to appear “better than”, but in reality, that is not who I want to be. I want to be a person who makes people feel like they can do anything. I want to be a person people turn to when they are totally discouraged because they know that I will be there to support them. And I want to be the “cheerleader” who is happy when someone gets an internship, even if it was the one that I really wanted.
• a contributor. I do not want to be a leech. I want to add to what is going on in my section and in my team.
• someone who knows how to use humor appropriately, sans sarcasm. I do not want be funny at the expense of others, or myself.
• confident. To me confidence is liberating. It doesn’t mean that I will always be successful, but it does mean that I will be confident in my abilities to succeed eventually. Or maybe to overcome obstacles is a better way to put that.
• someone who people trust with their name, their reputation, their stories.
• Christlike. For me, right now, this means seeing everyone as a child of God and treating them that way.

I had a bit of a hard time with the final one today. I often get a little insecure around women who I view as being my equals, if you will, or my superiors as is often the case. Anyway, I started to get a little judgmental today and I don’t want to do that. I think there’s a difference between judging someone and removing yourself from a situation that you don’t want to be in.

So, today was the first day of orientation for the MBA program at BYU. I really should have been writing more about this process as it was happening because deciding to come to BYU was quite the process. It’s not where I wanted to go at all. University of Texas was my first choice, hands down, but then I bombed the interview (and I mean BOMBED) so they rejected me. I got in to BYU and Vanderbilt and I tried everything in my power to make Vanderbilt feel right, but to no avail.

Truly, God knows what he is doing, so I’m not sure why it takes me so long to get on the same page as him. Anyway, I finally decided on BYU and to be honest, I don’t know if it was so much of a “I prayed about it and this is right” thing, as it was a “this makes the most sense for my future”. It’s way less expensive, especially with a full tuition scholarship for the first year and it has better California connections, which is where I’d like to be eventually.

What’s interesting about finally deciding is that as soon as I did I felt totally good about it. Sure, I still second guess myself, because that’s my nature, but deep down, I know BYU is the best place for me to be.

This weekend totally confirmed that. I guess I thought that I didn’t want to be around a bunch of “close minded” Mormons (yes, I realize I’m Mormon, but…), but what I discovered going on the OB/HR rafting trip this weekend is that I am not only okay with being at BYU, but I am actually thrilled. I didn’t realize how much I love being able to incorporate spirituality into my studies, probably because I don’t remember what it was like to not since the only time that happened was before college, but I do love it.

There were so many little confirming moments this weekend. I honestly felt overwhelmed by the Spirit and it has been a loooong time since I’ve felt that way (which is totally my own doing). Not only that, but I am starting to feel like marketing (my original plan) is not where I want to be anymore. I’m still deciding, but I think OB/HR might be the way to go for where I want to be in the future. We shall see. I’m definitely doing my research.

I really do wish that I had written more about what this whole experience has been like. I recorded events on my blog, but I missed out on the spiritual side of the whole thing.

My super nice brother-in-law purchased Season 4 on iTunes…and since they have Apple TV, I get to watch it on the big screen sans commercial interruptions that I’d have to deal with online. I love technology! I am halfway through Season 4 and can’t wait until it’s over so I can get on with my life.

Oh, the joys of an addictive personality!