random thoughts, realizations, and confessions…

1. I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships lately. Not that I am dying to be in one, but I think it’s healthy to think about whether or not I am where I want to be in order to be in one. Does that make sense? Anyway, twice a year, my church has a world wide conference, called General Conference. One happened to fall this last weekend. I came to the realization, as I listened to a great talk given by a man named Jeffrey R. Holland about emotional abuse and how our words can really hurt people, that I am not where I want to be . Well, I realized that this is one of my weaknesses. Sometimes I say really mean things and sometimes, when I do it, I think I am being funny. I don’t want to be that person.

It was also interesting to think about my mother (he mentioned that parents should not compare or criticize children) and realize that I don’t have a single memory of her ever criticizing me or comparing me to my siblings. I am so sad to no longer have her physically with me, but what a blessing to have had such a great mom while she was alive. I hope she knows how much I appreciate that and how blessed I feel.

2. There were several other great talks given (the conference is four, two-hour sessions), but the other one that really struck me was given by Dallin H. Oaks about divorce. He talked about how sad it is that today marriage is often not taken seriously; people aren’t willing to work at it and all too often want out for a number of stupid reasons. I want to mention that he also said that there are reasons to get out of a marriage and that sometimes divorce is necessary. But one of my favorite things that he said was that the best way to not need to divorce someone who is abusive or adulterous, etc., is to do not marry them. And the best way to not marry them is to get to know them really well. Not exactly rocket science, I know, but sometimes the basics are what we need to hear.

3. I want to read the bible from cover to cover. My 30th birthday is quickly approaching and I have yet to read the bible in entirety…and I have been religious my entire life. It’s embarrassing, I know. So, I started Sunday night. So far, so good. Granted, it’s only Tuesday, but I’m going to take that as a good sign.

4. I am tired of obsessing about how I look (in other words, how much I weigh), so I haven’t weighed myself in over two weeks (if your not a scale junkie, just realize that this is a big deal) and I’m trying to just relax about it and be healthy. Last night, I invited my friend Catherine over and instead of hanging out and sitting on our bums, we went for a walk and got in our fill of gabbing. It was great! I think we covered about three miles and I felt so good afterward.

5. I haven’t had voice lessons in over three months, which makes me sad, so today, I set up a time and I am back on track next Monday.

6. I really like my dad. It’s one thing to love your parents, but over the past few months being at home (in the apartment over the garage) and spending time with him, I have come to the conclusion that he really is a good person and I really enjoy spending time with him. And he’s seriously funny! Now, that isn’t the first impression most people get, but he really is hilarious.

7. I took a cake decorating class when I was in fifth grade and I still remember how to make clowns out of frosting…but since that’s almost the only thing I remember, I am starting a cake decorating class this week. How fun is that?

8. Sometimes I purchase and listen to music not because I like it, but because I want to like it or I think I should like it. And sometimes I do the same thing with food (well, eat rather than listen to, but you get what I mean)…and movies,. And usually, I end up liking what I wanted to like in the first place, but I wonder why I do that. What am I trying to prove and to whom? And why can’t I do that with people?

9. I’m heading down to Vegas this weekend and I am so excited. Not only am I excited to see my brother, sister-in-law and nephew (is he not the cutest thing you’ve ever seen?), but I’m also excited for some good driving/alone time. I basically live by myself, so you would think that I have plenty of alone time, but there is something nice about 5 hours (yes, I also like to drive fast), uninterrupted with nothing to do but look at the road ahead and listen to whatever I want to listen to…for example, the same song 100 times in a row if I so choose.

10. I love that when my sister calls in a crisis wanting me to come down and help her get the baby’s room ready for the baby shower, I can do it because a) I am single and have no husband or children of my own to worry about, b) I now work a M-F job, so I can easily head down to AZ for the weekend without needing to reschedule clients and c) we have a father who, despite his complaints about how much money we cost him (yes, we are all grown-ups and still cost him money), he is always willing to help us help each other (i.e. buy my plane ticket down there because he knows I’m working my way out of debt and that it will really help my sister feel less stressed about life).

Interestingly and on a side note, in doing the math, the cost of my plane ticket is about equal to what it would cost for my sister to have the baby’s room painted (which is essentially what I’m going down to do), but my dad would never pay to have the room painted. He is, however, willing to pay for me to go down there to do it. Once upon a time, I didn’t understand his logic, but now that I’m older, I can see all of the ways we are better people because of it. For instance, I do an amazing job cutting in edges free hand (I hate taping things off).

Grey’s dilemma…(really George’s, but I wanted a name you’d recognize).

I watched Grey’s Anatomy tonight for maybe the third time in my life. It’s a great show, I just have not, in the recent past, been one to get into shows (other than VM, and that is entirely my sister’s doing). I think there’s part of me that feels like I’m a better person when my world doesn’t revolve around t.v. shows. Stupid, I know, but true. I realize most of you have TiVo or DVR, so your worlds don’t revolve around t.v., but you get my point. I digress.

Tonight’s episode was a little emotional for me. Not emotional, like I cried…although it wouldn’t be the first time I cried when it was inappropriate, but I didn’t…more it brought up some serious feelings. First of all, my mom died, and so any dead mom moments in any show/movie get to me. Second was the scene where George and his wife are talking about Izzie (I had to look up the names) and George laughs because, well, why would Izzie ever want him? The writers of this show did a phenomenal job with that scene. And after my weekend from Hell (I’m using that in the biblical sence) and finding out that “what’s his name?” got married (a.k.a. the ex-fiance…yes, it still hurts even when you are the one who ended things)…it just hit too close to home.

I don’t know if any of you have ever been with someone who makes you feel like you aren’t good enough…or feels the need to rate you on a scale of one to ten as compared to his ex-wife…let me just say, it is not an enjoyable experience. That’s what I felt tonight. All of the pain of that moment relived. George totally felt like he was settling and made it known.

The truth is you do need to be with someone who is compatible (i.e. you feel like equals) if you want the relationship to work. At least that’s what I’ve read. So, here’s my question: What if you view yourself differently than others see you? You like creme brule, but you’re jello? What then? How do you know that you are finding someone compatible and not settling? How do you know that the other person doesn’t feel like they’re settling? How awful would that be? We can’t all play doctors on t.v. and look like Katherine Heigl?

Just some thoughts. Great show, great writing, fabulous music.

P.S. I just downloaded the new Aqualung album. Love it!

playlist dilemma…

Only a dilemma because it hasn’t been published on iTunes yet. And I have to give Sarah credit where it is due (it was her idea…actually, it was her playlist). And it was a great idea. However, because I think reading is such a personal experience, I tweaked it a little (partly because I didn’t have some of the songs, partly because a couple just didn’t work for me, and partly because I wanted to add a few…like I thought it just needed a little Muse and Linkin’ Park, as they were an inspiration to the author). Anyway, the playlist will be an iMix on iTunes (my first one)…twilight/new moon. And yes, this is my new obsession. These books about vampires. I’m addicted.

If you’re not an iTunes person…here’s the list as submitted to iTunes…as I was listening to it, though, I think the order may need some adjusting:

Hysteria – Muse
Surrealistic – Beth Waters
Forever Young – Youth Group
Ruled by Secrecy – Muse
The Way I Am – Ingrid Michaelson
Twilight (Live) – Shawn Colvin
Closer To You – Young Love
Sleep – Azure Ray
goodnight song – Tammany Hall NYC
Starlight – Muse
City of Blinding Lights – U2
Lying from You – Linkin Park
Daisychains – Youth Group
Breaking the Habit – Linkin Park
Gotta Have You – The Weepies
World Spins Madly On – The Weepies
Love Will Come Through – Travis
Drive Into the Storm – Stationed in France
Scratch – Kendall Payne
Naked As We Came – Iron & Wine
How We Operate – Gomez
Don’t Leave Home – Dido
Oh, It Is Love – Hellogoodbye
Strange & Beautiful (I’ll Put A Spell On You) – Aqualung
Claire de Lune – Laura Sullivan

***Update – It’s on iTunes. Go to the home page, click on Music, then on iMix, then search for twilight/new moon…(there are two, the one with a Vanessa Carlton song is not mine). Also, the Young Love and Stationed in France songs got cut (probably because I didn’t purchase them from iTunes). Such is life. But they are great songs…so you may want to download them.

Aqualung and Pete Yorn…my life is good!

I was reading my friend’s blog the other day and she was talking about being a single, LDS woman with a career. (If you want to check it out, her blog link is over to the right–katie) and it made think a little bit about my life and where I’m at and how I feel about being 29 and single and a member of a church that is centered around families. And I have to tell you that I feel pretty good…great, actually. Not that I don’t want to get married…someday, but my life is so fun right now. Not that people who are married don’t have fun (they do…and Jennifer and Sungti are great examples because they are uber-cool married people), but I love that this last Thursday night, I could just go to a concert without worrying about a babysitter, if my husband would want to go with me, and if not, would he care that I was going, no one to ask for permission to go or spend the money on it. I guess, what I’m trying to say is, I just appreciate being able to do these things now. And, Utah is pretty cool if you just look for things to do besides going to a movie (not that I don’t love movies…but, there are things to do besides movies).

Moving on to my real subject…Thursday night I went with the roomies and Kelly (supercool friend of Sarah’s who just moved here from Chicago and also happens to work with the roomies–yes, I feel a little left out) up to Park City to see Aqualung and Pete Yorn at Suede and it was fabulous. I wish that one could adequately describe a live performance so that others could experience it, but it’s just not possible…so buy some tickets and go to a concert yourself.

Besides the music being amazing, we were at the very front, so we also had an amazing view. Our feet killed afterwards and we couldn’t hear very well for a bit, but it was totally worth it.