Category Archives: grad school

a big fake

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It is the end of my first week of school. I can’t believe I’m really doing this. I know I’ve been working toward it for a year, but it’s weird that it’s actually happening. And it’s terrifying. I sit in class and think, “I wonder when people are going to figure out that I’m just a big fake and don’t really deserve to be here.”

Apparently I’m doing a pretty good job of faking it because I somehow managed to get myself put in charge of the opening social for my entire program. As of right now, 343 people are attending…and that’s just the people who actually responded. We’re expecting about 450. And the funny thing is, it looks as if I might have pulled it off. The truth is, though, I did next to nothing. I delegated to a great team of people.

You want to know what else I’m faking. I’m pretending that I’m a person who makes her bed everyday. I’m pretending that I’m a person who gets up and goes to the gym at 4:45 am and is at school by 7 even though her first class isn’t until 9:30. I’m pretending that I’m not completely insecure in the presence of so many amazing people. I’m pretending that I’m someone who does her hair and makeup every single day.

I’m also pretending that I don’t care that there are so many amazing, talented, beautiful, and intelligent women in my program and that I feel like the redheaded stepchild (it’s just a saying…most redheads I know are intimidatingly beautiful). I’m pretending that I’m someone who is two days ahead in her homework and always prepared for class. And finally, and most uncharacteristically, I’m pretending that I’m someone who budgets her money, only eats out once a week, and enjoys her homemade lunch. Weird. I didn’t even know I was capable of faking any of those things.

It’s been a weird week. I’m a little nervous to see what happens next. What if I start pretending that I’m someone who folds her laundry right when it comes out of the dryer?

If hell freezes over, you’ll know why.

my new peeps

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Over the course of the last two+ weeks I’ve had the opportunity to meet a lot of new people. I mean a lot. And it has been quite an awesome (in the literal sense of the word) experience. I’ve been on a rafting trip, traveling for hours in van, riding the rapids, putting out a fire, and playing multiple rounds of mafia with my new classmates, faculty, recruiters, and “seniors” (i.e. second years). I’ve been through orientation, which included a leadership reaction course, a paper airplane competition, mock interviews, and a resume workshop. And now, I’ve been to Moab on a Hummer “safari” and a float down the Colorado.

It has been absolutely crazy; hours in vans, on the water, in lectures and workshops. But it has also been absolutely incredible. I have learned, once again, about how incorrect first impressions can be. I have learned, once again, that there is always more than meets the eye. And I have learned, once again, about my capacity to love people.

I know sometimes I come across a bit of a, well, I’m trying not swear. Let’s see. Another word? A bit of a brat. But really, I’m not. I really do love people. And yes, sometimes I have been a bit judgmental and, thankfully, I’ve kept those thoughts to myself, knowing that first impressions are often wrong, especially in high stress situations. And I hope that others are doing the same for me.

I’ve also loved really focusing outward. I decided that this experience with these new people was not going to be like my undergrad, where I constantly worried about how people were judging me and what they were thinking about me. Instead, I have really, really tried (unsuccessfully at times) to focus on making this experience good for everyone around me, rather than worrying about me. And other than the fact that I am constantly overwhelmed by just how incredible these people are, I know I am so much happier than had I been worried about my own happiness. Counterintuitive, but totally true.

It is quite remarkable how people become something entirely different when you are genuinely interested in them and are willing to take the time to get to know them and you aren’t worried about what they think of you.

I have loved watching my new classmates change, in my eyes, over the past two weeks. I just can’t believe that I get to associate with these people for the next two years. It’s so incredible…and intimidating. It’s going to be an incredible experience. I can already tell I’m going to be sad when it ends, so I am going to everything I can go make sure that I have no regrets.

And just in case anyone is wondering, I still love my old peeps…even though they left me for the wrong east coast, including Chicago, even though it’s really in the mid-west.