Dear J.,

I can’t believe my little buddy is fourteen and going to be in high school next year. I remember when you were born like it was yesterday. You were such a sweet little boy, and have managed to keep that same sweet disposition as you have gotten older. Yes, totally cliche and cheezy, but aunts get to be cliche and cheezy. I am so proud of what a cool kid you have turned out to be. And it was really fun to see you graduate tonight.

Congratulations on your math award, as well. Admittedly, A. and I were joking, as the teacher was talking about the award winning student, that the kid must be a total braniac who sets the curves in classes making other kids both angry and jealous. We were both so excited it was you. I love that you are such an awesome combination of personality and qualities; managing to be kind, cool, funny, and smart all at the same time. I wonder where you get that from???

Love,

Chloe (your super proud aunt who can’t wait to see what you end up doing in the future)

P.S. I hope you know I was joking when I asked you about your “nerd medal”. I think it’s totally rad.

Dear teacher who was chosen to speak,

Dude, you know when you started out with the whole, “everybody’s worried because I’m so long-winded” joke? Yeah, you should have just made it a warning. This was an 8th grade promotion (not even called graduation) and yet you seemed to have mistakenly thought that it was an evening dedicated to you with how much time you took. Or perhaps you thought you were speaking at a college commencement. Here’s the thing, you were speaking to 8th graders who were in there last moments of elementary (it’s a K-8) school. Seriously? Three stories? Each lasting 10 minutes? And then a summary before the final unifying conclusion? And all three stories were about you and your life?

Next time, use the student speakers as your example; two minutes max, with a funny quote. I’m sorry, but you were just not entertaining enough to take up thirty minutes of an 8th grade graduation.

Sincerely,

A girl who cannot believe that her nephew’s graduation lasted two hours

Dear parents of girls who were dressed like total skanks,

I’m really hoping that you didn’t know ahead of time what your daughters were going to be wearing because…WOW. But my guess is, not only did you know, but you also coughed up the cash (or credit) to pay for the itty-bitty pieces of fabric your daughters were passing off as dresses. Holy cow! I was uncomfortable for them.

Sincerely,

A girl who is terrified of having a teenage daughter

P.S. My sister-in-law told me some of the nicknames your daughters have been given. You might want to check that stuff out.

Dear Sri Lankan student speaker,

You were hilarious! I loved that you gave your whole speech with an accent when you don’t have one. So, so funny. Thanks for the comic relief after the long, long speech of Mr. I Can’t Remember His Last Name.

With lots of laughter,

Chloe

To whomever made the program schedule,

A few thoughts. First, an hour is about how long an 8th grade promotion should last. Second, referring to the first, give your speakers TIME LIMITS. Third, the walking part should really be done at the end. That’s when everyone is expecting it to end. The slide show was cute, but really, it could have happened before the walking. Or better still, in the cafeteria during the reception. And finally, seriously you need a little red light for when your speakers go over their time. Oh…and ixnay on the double introductions. Just let people introduce themselves or have someone introduce them, but don’t do both.

With complete knowledge of how obnoxious I can be with all of my thoughts and advice,

Chloe