On my post about friendship, a comment was left about writing emails/letters in certain cases when dealing with a difficult friend situation…specifically “dumping” one. And a reference was made about how writing could be a cop out. The comment has inspired another post.

There is something to be said about written communication. As most of you know, being that you are bloggers, writing and speaking are two very different art forms and the same words can have very different effects. Where spoken words can resonate for a long time and can be very hurtful, they are not easily read, over and over and over again, as are words on a page (or a computer screen). With speaking, intonations, body language, and facial expression all play part in communicating. In writing, emoticons are about the limit of non-verbal communication. For these reasons, I don’t see writing as a cop out (although it is easier) as much as I see it as a very, very powerful weapon that can easily do irreversible damage.

I, unfortunately, have a lot of experience with the negative effects of writing. Yes…I am confessing. Anyone who knows me knows that I have (or have had) a problem with this. I can be absolutely ruthless. I know how to write things in just a way to rip someone apart and, in the past, I have done this intentionally. Are you wondering why I have friends? Me, too.

I have learned a lot about written communication over the course of my life. I would like to share some thoughts with you so that you can, if at all possible, learn from my mistakes, and hopefully avoid your own. I will be referring to letters/emails, but not text messages. I don’t think text messaging should ever be used as a form of communicating anything that is emotionally important, so there is no need to address them. Another disclaimer, these thoughts are only in reference to communication that is about you and the other person. When acting in behalf of someone else, my thoughts/rules are different. Now, let’s begin.

1. The very first thing to contemplate is whether the conversation is even necessary? Is their a benefit to having this interaction? What is it? The bottom line…you are about to hurt someone’s feelings (assuming she has them…sorry, that was rude). You better have a good reason for doing it.
2. Assuming the conversation is necessary, before beginning a difficult letter, you need to consider what your motivation is for writing rather than speaking. In my opinion (which is often flawed), speaking is always a better choice, even if it is more difficult, unless you are dealing with a manipulative person who always manages to turn things around so that you end up being the one to apologize or back down. (And these people are often not malicious, they have just learned how to get things through manipulation…often they don’t even realize they are doing it).
3. The next thing to consider is your purpose in writing, period. Not as opposed to speaking, but in terms of what your desired outcome is.

1. The biggest mistake a person can make in writing to someone (or having a conversation) is to do it in hopes of changing the other person. You are not going to change them.
2. The second biggest mistake is to think that you are doing the person a service by telling him whatever it is you want to say. This is because you have just made an assumption that you know how someone should be. You are not God and you don’t get to do that. You may not like how the person is acting. Fine. You can say that. But don’t assume that you are right.
3. The best motivation (and I think only) is to explain your behavior (which includes feelings). I know that might sound weird, but think about it. You are the one who doesn’t want to spend time with that person any more. It is your choice.
4. So, you’ve established that you want to write and that your motivation is correct. Now it’s time to construct the letter. The one thing that I have learned is shorter is always better. Keep it short and simple. It is going to hurt your friend no matter what. The fewer words, the better. Not just to avoid hurting a person as much as possible, but also to protect yourself. Words get twisted. The easiest way to avoid a massive tangle of words is to not use very many.
5. State facts. This happened, this is how it made me feel, which is why I don’t want to… Don’t ever, ever, ever go on the attack. Trust me. It’s ugly. Not only that, but your chances of having any kind of positive effect generally drop to nil.
6. The final step is to have someone else read the letter. Someone you know, and trust, who you consider to be a kinder person than you are, but who will also tell you when you’ve gone overboard. I use my sister. She is a great editor. Last year I was dealing with a difficult situation. I wrote out an email without any tempering or control, and sent it to my sister so that I could enjoy hitting the “send” button (once again, it really is amazing people like me). She promptly emailed me back telling me that I would regret saying anything that was in that email. Admittedly, it felt good to get it all out, but then I constructed a very simple, short email, resent it to my sister, got the stamp of approval, and I was done.
7. Generally speaking, the actual letter writing itself may be just the therapy you need to deal with your issues with another person. I have written many more letters than I have ever sent (destroying them promptly) and through the process, I can often see where I am at fault and how modifying my behavior may, in fact, remedy the situation. Or see that writing them a letter would not solve the problem. Or that, as immature as this may sound, avoiding the person may, in fact, be the best solution.
8. You probably want to consider a few things: Would I be willing to say these things to this person’s face (and if so, why am I not doing that)? How would I feel if I read this about myself? How would I feel if someone I really respected read this? How will I feel when I run into this person?

Final words…a conversation can be shared, but it will be paraphrased. Words on a page are exactly as they came. In email form, they can be sent to more people than a person actually knows (consider your own contact lists) in less than 30 seconds. How would you feel knowing that your letter was being sent to every friend that person has ever had. Trust me. I’ve done this. I received an email from someone once basically ripping me to shreds and you better believe I had forwarded it along to my closest friends within minutes. When a person is being attacked, she wants someone to comfort, validate, console her. You can’t blame me (or anyone) for forwarding those emails along.

The truth is, in 30 years, I only feel like have done this well one time, out of four or five (see…I really think when it comes to the tough stuff, in person is much better than written). And a couple of the bad times were very, very, very bad. Horribly bad. If I could take them back, I would. I just don’t want you to live through the same things I have. So, if you are dealing with someone you need to “dump”…good luck.

Friendship is an interesting thing. It has caused me lots and lots of grief and even more joy! My purpose in writing this is to share a few things I have learned over the years that have really and truly diminished the level of stress I have in my life as a result of friendships.

Here are 10 thoughts on friendships in general (and this could be equally applicable to romantic relationships). Don’t you love how I set myself up as the expert? I’m not. These are just my thoughts. Feel free to add your own, disagree with mine, or say anything else in the comments.

1. Choose your friends. If you don’t like how someone is treating you, if you don’t like that a person never meets your expectations, if you have any kind of problem (beyond the minor irritation) with a friend, you may want to evaluate the situation and make a choice. You can decide to a) reign in your expectations and be okay with how your friend is or b) not be friends with that person. But own your decision…especially if you choose option A.
2. If you can feel yourself being phased out (technical term meaning that someone is trying to “dump” you as a full-time friend), just let it happen. This is especially true in dating, but I think just as applicable in the Land of Platonic Relationships. Why on earth would I want to be friends with someone who doesn’t want to be friends with me? There’s no need for a DTR…ever. All that does is make things awkward and hurt feelings on multiple levels. Having been both the phaser and the phased, I know both sides well.
1. Side note #1: If all of your friends in every aspect of your life are phasing you out, or if this is a regular occurrence, you may want to do a good self-evaluation because chances are, there’s probably something you are doing that is causing this regular exodus. If, after a thorough self-evaluation, you don’t see anything that might need adjusting in your behavior, just accept that you are a very particular shade of chartreuse that a selected few can handle, but when those selected few come along, you will have friends for life!
2. Side note #2: Should you be the phaser, you might be tempted to share your feelings about why you don’t want to be friends with/date that person anymore. Or the person might ask why. DON’T DO IT! DON’T GIVE IN! I’m not saying to lie. Lying never works (even if you are trying to spare someone’s feelings). Just share your feelings, not thoughts, not observations, not advice; just feelings. Here’s the thing. You may not want to be friends with that person, but that doesn’t mean that there won’t be 10 other people out there who like your ex-whatever exactly the way she is. If it is the case that no one wants to be friends with her, it is her responsibility to figure out who she wants to be and with whom she wants to be friends. And words NEVER GO AWAY!
3. Friendships will evolve. Life moves forward. I have great friends from high school. These girls were, and are, very important to me. But our lives went in different directions and our friendships changed. I have recently caught up with a number of them, through blogging mainly, and it has been fantastic. I still adore them. But…it is different and there’s nothing wrong with that. This includes when a friend starts to date someone. She still likes you, she is just really, really excited about a particular guy and that’s all she can see. Let her be excited. Let her love it and enjoy it without making extra stress for her. Eventually, things settle. They get married or they break up. If she’s a friend, she will still need you either way. Don’t make her feel like she can’t turn to you.
4. If you are lonely and think that people don’t like you and don’t want to be friends with you, you might be right. Harsh? Perhaps. I prefer honest. On this one, I speak from personal experience. I have been that girl with whom no one really wanted to be friends. I felt sorry for myself. I tried way, way, way too hard and all for naught. When I finally decided that I was going to be happy and enjoy my life anyway, I suddenly had friends…through no “friend making” efforts of my own. Be the friend you want others to be to you and you will naturally attract those people (unless you are ingratiating or a doormat…then you will attract the wrong kinds of friends).
5. No one wants to be a “pity” friend. Be genuine. If you find yourself inviting someone along because you feel sorry for him, trust me, he can tell. I don’t know what the best solution is on this one. I think a case-by-case assessment is always needed.
6. Be wary of misunderstandings. Don’t assume that a friend is mad at you when she doesn’t return one phone call, unless you’ve done something that merits “upsetedness”. Life is busy! Wait a while. Try a second one. And then, depending on the history, don’t worry about it. She will call you eventually or she won’t.
7. Just because you get along with someone does not mean that you will like all of the same things. Now, some of you are thinking, “well, duh.” But trust me, I had a hard time learning this lesson.
8. Along with #7, just because you have known someone for years and years, don’t assume that you know him better than he knows himself and don’t assume that he won’t change from time to time. This is both limiting and irritating! However, there are times when a drastic change occurs and you may be concerned. As a good friend, do you butt in or let him flounder? My vote: voice your concerns, offer help, then let your friend come to you. Don’t force it.
9. Do not assume that, because you enjoy all of your groups of friends, it’s a good idea to mix them. Even for those of us who aren’t friends with everyone, we do have various circles. Sometimes mixing works. Sometimes it doesn’t. Just be aware.
10. Be kind. No matter what. Yes, those of you who know me realize this is not always one of my strengths…but I’m working on it.

And now, for my particular shade of friendship: I am not a person that is friends with everyone. I like people, and I enjoy being social, but I also like my little close-knit circle of friends. I don’t think everyone needs to be like me. I have a dear friend in Arizona who is friends with almost everyone she knows and she does a great job of it. It’s her passion! What is hard for me is when those people (the kind that want to be friends with everyone), want me to be friends with everyone. For whatever reason, this really, really irritates me…when it is a forced issue.

So, here are some things that I would ask all of you “I want to be friends with and include everyone” types to consider.

1. Just because I enjoy spending time with you, does not necessarily mean I will enjoy spending time with all of your other friends. Statements like, “Oh, you have to meet Katie. You are going to love her!” really bug me. A) I don’t have to do anything but die. B) How on earth do you know that I am going to love her?
2. Not everyone is going to want to be friends with you and that’s okay. If you make an effort with someone and you are annoyed that the person is not reciprocating, you may just want to move on.
3. When we (those of us who limit our friendships more) don’t want to be “good friends” with somebody, it’s not usually because we don’t like the person. We just are not as good at maintaining friendships with lots and lots of people, so we make choices.

I promise, I’m nice. Really. I am.

Note: These are not foolproof rules. There are exceptions to every one of them. Please drink responsibly.