existential dilemmas

Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced. – Kierkegaard

delusional dilemmas…

Posted on March 12, 2007 by chloe elizabeth

No, I’m not delusional…well, not completely. I think we all have a little of the delusional within us. You believe things about yourself, on occasion, that simply aren’t true. The good and the bad. And sometimes, life decides to set you straight. Sometimes it’s a delightful surprise. And sometimes it knocks the wind right out of you. But either way, the healthiest choice is probably to accept what you have learned, without argument, and move forward. Accept that you are more than you thought you were when life gives you a glimpse of the great things you don’t see in yourself. Keep breathing and move forward when you realize that there is still work to do.

And while that might be the healthy option, I happen to like this one…it’s a personal favorite. You can choose to ignore the knowledge life gives you and enter a state of denial…for me, a state where I loose myself in books…or movies or shopping (an Andersen favorite) or exercise or chocolate, all the while staving off the inevitable reality that will eventually come crashing down around me (I love being dramatic :-). Sadly, I finished reading the books (not all of them, but the two I was lost in), there aren’t any movies I want to watch, I have no money for shopping (now, there’s a reality I didn’t want to accept), I don’t feel up to exercise and, surprisingly, chocolate just doesn’t sound that good…yep, it’s that bad.

I’ve never been a fan of having the wind knocked out of me. But…I’m still breathing and that’s a good sign. So, I guess it’s time to go start living my reality…Maybe I’ll clean my apartment. Maybe I’ll start rereading Twilight. Or maybe I’ll expand on Sarah’s Twilight/New Moon playlist. Yes, that’s sounds like a perfect distraction. So, I like being delusional on occasion. Is that so wrong?

dilemmas of the cool factor…

Posted on March 9, 2007 by chloe elizabeth

So, I went to lunch with some of my friends today…the roomies, Kelly and Sungti (Jen already had plans with work people) at The Happy Sumo for sushi. I love that I have friends up here who like sushi. As we were sitting at lunch I was thinking about how much I enjoy these particular friends. I thought (and then proceeded to say out loud, which seems to be my totally embarrassing habit), “You are the cool friends that I always wanted.” You can imagine the laughter that ensued…but it’s true.

Sarah (who always looks fabulous…she’s inspired me to wear heels with jeans), Richard (our favorite entertainer) and Kelly (who just moved here from Chicago–need I say more?) are all designers at American Crafts , this great scrapbook company. Sungti is heading to school for his PhD in the fall and he’s from Taiwan—that alone makes him cool. And Jennifer (not at lunch, but she’s the thread that strung us all together…and she’s married to Sungti) has her master’s and is just this amazing person I have envied since our freshman year in college.

I wonder if most people feel the way I do at times, or if there are people out there who just think, “Yes, everyone should want to be me or at least be friends with me.” I look at my friends and think, “They have to know how fabulous they are.” Maybe it’s just in the way we, as humans, compare our weaknesses with others’ strengths. Maybe it’s the way we always admire the qualities we lack or wish we had, because we are so used to our own qualities that we find them boring and ordinary. I have had so many amazing opportunities in my life and done so many amazing things, and yet I still find myself envying (in a good way) those who are different than me. And I wonder if there are those out there who look at me and think, “I wish my life was more like hers.” My assumption, of course, is that there are not, but the more I thought about it today, the more I questioned.

things I am thankful for today…

Posted on March 2, 2007 by chloe elizabeth

1. I am thankful for fun coworkers who make an all day seminar more than bearable.
2. I am thankful for my friends – specifically (today) the ones that are a part of my life for forever…even if I only see them every three years (Jaimie, I promise I will do better).
3. I am thankful for forgiveness.
4. I am thankful that I have a nice car that runs beautifully and is totally reliable.
5. I am thankful for a cute nephew with whom I get to play all weekend while his mom and dad are off to Park City.
6. I am thankful that I cry in movies, even when most people wouldn’t cry.
7. I am thankful for my pretty green eyes.
8. I am thankful for new clothes from H&M.
9. I am thankful that I have goals.
10. I am thankful that I’m not the same person I was five years ago…even if that does mean an extra ten pounds.
11. I am thankful that I have done so many amazing things in my life, like living in Hawaii, diving shipwrecks, running with bulls, graduating college, backpacking through Europe, serving a mission and purchasing my own house.
12. I am thankful that I love my job. While I don’t plan on being here for the rest of my life, I love the people I work with.
13. I am thankful for music, especially memory filled songs.
14. I am thankful for a heart that is finally healing.
15. I am thankful for nice boys (and I really mean men, but…that makes me feel really old).
16. I am thankful that I love to laugh.
17. I am thankful that I served a mission and that I live by the MTC right now so that I can volunteer every week.
18. I am thankful that, this week, I had my priorities in order.
19. I am thankful that I know that God loves me.
20. I am thankful that I know He answers my prayers.
21. I am thankful for ping-pong conversations.
22. I am thankful that tomorrow is Friday.
23. Last of all, I am thankful for the abundance (that’s for you, Catherine) of blessings that I can see in my life right now.

blessings…

Posted on March 1, 2007 by chloe elizabeth

I’m kind of post-happy lately…moving on.

This week has been one of those weeks. It’s interesting how quickly life can shift, like a teeter-totter. This week has been a “down” week. I don’t have them often, but when they come, I am usually knocked right off my feet, landing on my face, or so it feels. A long time ago, my mom nailed it when she told me that I needed to stay on top of my homework because I get depressed otherwise. Well, my mom may have left me all alone in this world, but her wisdom is still with me.

Part of the “down”–I got behind in school and I was miserable…M-I-S-E-R-A-B-L-E! Now, I know some of you reading this may not hold my beliefs, but that’s okay. I’m going to tell you what happened anyway. I decided that I needed to pray about this stuff. Not that I would suddenly have less homework or anything like that, just that I could organize and prioritize. And the following is what happened:

Monday, our cable goes out…which means I can’t kill time (i.e. procrastinate) by watching t.v. or posting to this thing or emailing people or surfing the web. I am forced to do my homework because there is nothing else I can do. Of course, that made taking my online quiz before midnight a little cumbersome, but with the help of Erika and her internet, I managed to get it done over the phone. So, I was caught up in accounting and fully prepared for my English 251 class on Tuesday evening.

Well, when I say fully prepared, what I mean is, I had everything completed for that day. I was still behind on my poetry explication, but I had started working on it Monday (that’s a big deal) and felt like I might actually be able to get the final draft done in time. So, what happens in English? Penny (our professor) decides that since this is a sophomore level course and the work required to make the explications acceptable would be more junior level (she had read several rough drafts and found them less than stellar…not mine, of course, because I hadn’t turned it in), she is not going to have us finish them or grade them, unless anyone really wanted them graded. I pity the kid who attempted to raise his voice in protest. All he got out was an inhale in preparation to speak before the entire room was glaring at him, daring him to exhale a single sound.

And now we are at today…I somehow missed a deadline for a pre-lecture assignment that was due yesterday in my Accounting 200 (the first deadline I’ve missed in that class). I did it this morning and hope that it will be graded. Upon looking at the syllabus this morning (when I discovered the missed assignment) I also realized that I had two quizzes due by midnight tonight…for neither of which had I begun to prepare. Well, Wednesdays are my volunteer days at the MTC and, as stated in a previous post, I have decided that nothing will get in the way of that because I need it (priorities) and I had also decided that I was going to go to the temple after work as my recommend expires tomorrow and I probably won’t be able to renew it for a week or two. Ahhhh…what to do?

Well, I’ve been trying to keep my priorities straight and so…I went to the MTC and the temple. My big hesitation with the temple was that it would mean leaving campus. The internet still wasn’t working at my house this morning, so if I got home, after the temple, and it wasn’t working, I would have to head back to campus (and it’s freezing here) to take my quizzes. But, as I drove up to the temple to park (still debating whether I was going to stay) the thought occurred to me, “Of course the internet will work at home. I’m at the temple, doing what I should be doing.”

To some of you, this may seem silly, but it’s what I thought and it’s how my mind has always worked. I believe that I am immediately blessed when I do the “right” thing because my life has always worked out that way. And I make deals with God all the time…another story for another day.

So, I went to the temple and then grabbed a bite to go on the way home (I love Cafe Rio salads and Diet Coke), arrived home at 9:15 to find the internet up and running. I watched the lecture (my class is pretty much all on DVD-ROM), took that quiz, then watched the lesson and took that quiz. I didn’t miss a single question, I was done by 11, an hour pre-deadline, and I have no regrets about how I spent my time today.

I feel very blessed. Now, if I could just remember these little life lessons, I wouldn’t have to repeat them so very often.

the things we do for love…

Posted on February 28, 2007 by chloe elizabeth

We’ve all been there. We meet a guy we are interested in (and yes, I’m limiting the “we” to women, because I will not pretend to understand the male mind in these matters–or any matters) and our world begins to revolve around him. He becomes the most important thing in our life. We make ourselves available for his phone calls, his emails, his games, his gigs, his parties, his friends…whatever it is, if “his” comes before it, we are there.

Why do we, self-confident, assertive women, do it? Well, I don’t think it’s a lack of self-confidence and I don’t think we suddenly become submissive doormats granting every wish a guy has. I think it’s because we just genuinely enjoy the person and the excitement of having a crush or the beginning of “something” and who doesn’t like a little attention?

As I continue, keep in mind that I said “we”. I have been there and done this. I have become interested in someone and he was interested in me and I just wanted to talk to him, see him, do things with him. Here’s the problem…we all have people in our lives who are important to us, who we love, who are there for us through the excitement, the heartaches, and who were there long before the prospective one. And at the beginning, we don’t know if he’s “the one” (which I don’t really believe in, but for our purposes, I will use that term here), but of course we hope that he’s “the one”, so we make sacrifices.

Here’s what I’m learning…eventually, someone will be “the one”, and so we would think that the sacrifices would be worth it. But the thing is, someone who we should want to be “the one” should understand that we had an entire life before he came into it and, more importantly we should remember that we had an entire life before he came into it. Now, those of you who know me are rolling your eyes. You know that I have learned this lesson through personal experience and error.

So, I am confessing and repenting. I can’t promise that I won’t do it again…that I won’t become intoxicated with the excitment of a new interest, or the prospect of “the one”, but I am going to try. The funny thing is that, usually, it’s not the guy doing it to us at all. They are perfectly content with a little chase…not only content, but they enjoy it a little. We are the ones who do it. And I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to drop everything in my life for a guy, whether or not he is “the one”. Eventually, after the excitement and butterflies, real life settles back into place (no matter how things work out)…I don’t want to have to repair relationships or ask my friends to be my friends again, once I have time for them again. I’ve done that once and that was enough.

To those of you who I have “dropped” or hurt through neglect, and who have taken me back so graciously, or not, I am sorry. And to those of you who have done it to me, I understand. We have all been there. We all know how it feels to be the “lover” and the “left-behind”. That’s the beauty of friendship; there is a give and take…but I am going to try and be better. Of course, this is easily stated when I’m not really interested in anyone (at least not anyone that I am planning on pursuing), but I hope that, by writing this down and being conscious of it, I will do better next time.

And yes, there was an event that acted as the catalyst for this post…but, the good thing about reflecting is that you often realize…especially when you’re upset or hurt… that you’ve “been there and done that” and you can understand.