who raised you?

You will rarely find me posting about guys, especially in specifics, on the blog. I want to be able to be honest on here and so that requires some filtering of topics and subjects. Not only that, but I really am not that bitter girl who thinks that all men are jerks and that I don’t need one…well, want one. I don’t really think I need one, other than for the obvious.

Having said that, I’m sure you know what’s coming. One more thing before we begin. All of those times my mother told me that one of the best ways to know how a guy is going to treat you is to watch how he treats his mother, I now realize that really, you can watch how a guy treats ANY girl he’s not interested in and that is an even better indication (as evidenced below).

This weekend I had the opportunity to spend some “quality time” with a bachelor. We’ll call him Kevin*. I don’t want to go into detail about how I know Kevin or what our connection is because, well, just because. But, here are my questions for Kevin (and by questions, I mean “things that Kevin did that I cannot believe he did and that make me not want to date, or be boyfriended or get married…EVER”). And realize that I am on a rant. I don’t really dislike men in general. In fact, I have several great examples of fantastic ones in my life, but Kevin…well, let’s just say he’s not one of them. And if you can’t see what’s wrong with the examples below, I am praying for you. Seriously.

And we begin (please choose all answers that you feel apply and answer them in order as some of the questions will help answer the previous ones)…

  1. You are a guest in a couple’s home. The couple has a brand new baby and the woman often has to get up in the middle of the night and come into the kitchen for various reasons. You spend the first night on the couch because you are too immature to share a bedroom with your brother-in-law. After that first night, the man asks you if you wouldn’t mind sleeping back in the bedroom because it would make his wife more comfortable with having to get up in the middle of the night. You:
    1. graciously oblige, feeling a little guilty that it didn’t occur to you that you might be making your host slight uncomfortable.
    2. give your hosts a bit of a hard time, but still sleep in the bedroom because you are their guests and they asked you if you wouldn’t mind doing that.
    3. listen to their request, but decide to still sleep on the couch because you are too immature to share a room (not a bed) with your brother-in-law.
    4. loudly state that you are going to have to veto that decision, even when approached by the woman’s sister who basically tells you you’re a rude guest (in a kind and joking way).
  2. (This is a two part question.) You have arrived back at your hosts’ home after a dinner out paid for by the woman’s father. Dessert was not ordered at the restaurant, but ice cream was provided back at the house. The woman’s sister and nephew make a pan of brownies for the following day’s festivities. You decide that you would like a brownie so you:
    1. politely ask the woman’s sister if you can have a brownie.
    2. go straight for the pan, that is covered in aluminum foil and dig in.
    3. loudly mention how delicious the brownies smell and how good they must taste.
    4. proclaim, “These are for me, right?”
  3. (continuing)…once you are informed that the brownies are actually not for that night, but the following one, you:
    1. state how excited you are to eat the brownies tomorrow and ask if you can wash the bowl since the sister and nephew did the work.
    2. whine about how it’s not fair when they smell so good and you want one now.
    3. try to schmooze the sister (who you, of course, assume will fall for you pitiful attempt at flirting because, well, you apparently think you are “just that good”) into giving you a brownie anyway.
    4. Wait until the woman and her sister have gone to the other side of the house, ask the man, who then must ask the woman, who ends up giving in because she is waaay too nice.
  4. After having had your brownie you:
    1. are satisfied with one and wait until the following day, when dessert is served.
    2. decide that one wasn’t enough and wait until the sister leaves to eat a few more, at the same time scratching up the pan because you’re an idiot and used a knife on a nonstick pan.
    3. get into the brownies Sunday morning, leaving only half of them for everyone else (25 people to be exact)
    4. act all cavalier about how you ate the brownies and mention how nice it was for the sister to make brownies just for you.
  5. You have been a guest at the house for a day. The woman gets home from working to find her house a semi-disaster because no one has cleaned up after cooking dinner. You notice that she begins to do the dishes…dishes that she did not use in any way, shape or form. You:
    1. get up and start helping this poor woman who’s cleaning up after four men with a two month old on her hip.
    2. help the woman once she has asked you if you wouldn’t mind helping.
    3. sit on your lazy arse and do nothing.
    4. offer to help when you notice that she has put the last dish in the dishwasher.
  6. The entire group gets back to the couple’s home on Sunday after church people are busily preparing food for lunch. You:
    1. offer to help and when asked to cut the tomatoes, inform the woman’s sister (who’s running things) that you’ve never cut a tomato before.
    2. sit on your butt and watch NASCAR with the other lazy people (NASCAR???).
    3. help cut tomatoes, but in the process cut your finger (not cut, like stitches…cut like scratch), which apparently is a mortal wound that keeps you from being able to help in any further capacity, but doesn’t keep you from shooting a game of pool.
    4. come into the kitchen and ask if you can have a brownie.
  7. You can’t stay at your girlfriend’s house, rather than the couple’s, because she dumped you (I don’t understand why). When asked whether you are dating someone you:
    1. basically lie about it and say, yes you were, but she wanted a little “too much” from you (whatever that means) so you had to put the “kibosh on the relationship”.
    2. say that you were, but it ended, giving no further details.
    3. state that no, you are not dating someone.
    4. state that you were dating someone, but she dumped you.
  8. When asked why you are still single, you think that it’s because:
    1. you just haven’t found a woman who is everything you’re looking for.
    2. women are too demanding and expect you to do too much.
    3. are holding out for a woman like your mother, who never made you slice a tomato or do your laundry.
    4. can’t seem to find one that will marry you.

Answers: 1. 4, 2. 4, 3. 3 & 4, 5. 4, 6. 1 & 3, 7. 1, 8. I don’t know…but these all seemed like viable options.
* As always, name has been changed to protect the guilty, stupid and otherwise socially inept.

18 thoughts on “who raised you?

  1. Hilarious. I especially loved the brownie part. What an idiot. Who thinks they’re the center of all the universe and all “brownies” and the like are theirs for the taking? Oh right..Kevin.

  2. Oh my gosh! I hope you didn’t have to stay in the same house as him for the weekend. That would be painful. Does he really think he is going to get married at some point? The best part about him is the fact that he doesn’t try to hide what an arse he is so at least all the women in his life will know to RUN when they see him!

  3. This was painful and hilarious all at the same time! I ache for women who are married to men like Kevin, but I’m so grateful for all the great men out there who make our lives magical.

  4. woah! Chloe that person is a nightmare and I am very sorry you even met him. I just can’t even understand people that are so socially retarded like that. You’re right when you say, “who raised you?????”

  5. Chloe, Chloe, Chloe…this was so much fun. But I’m sorry you had to pain yourself so much to entertain me! I hope writing that entertaining little quiz was a bit of therapy. If only I had a Kevin….

  6. Is he doing “research” on a book he’s writing about how to be an everyday a-hole????Just giving him the benefit of doubt here…and are you sure, you aren’t making this kid up?

  7. what a jerk! seriously. i would have spiked his brownie with some serious ex-lax. i was laughing through your post, but cringing- i kept checking the answer key saying “no! he didn’t!” but yes…in fact, he apparently did. how do people make it to adulthood like that?! well, you have to know the bad to recognize the good sometimes.

  8. I enjoy rants.Kevin sounds like a winner. Seriously… all of those things in one weekend?Are you the fastest typist in the world?

  9. KevinKevinKevin….listen dude…Barnes & Noble sells these books….they’re called…”A Dummies Guide…” to this, or that. Like (using “like” because that how Kevin talks)…where was I, like “A Dummies Guide to Dating”….I mean Kevin, I know your not an arse, they know your not an arse…but a book like that could really help you get more you know..winkwinknudgenudge. Give it a shot my friend (my friend is going too far I understand)…it can only improve your life “Big K” !!

  10. Ya, it is amazing how much you really DID have to leave out when we are only talking about a 2 1/2 day weekend. He was a major jerk!

  11. Anne, I thought about you when I wrote NASCAR. It’s not the sport itself (is it a sport) that I have a problem with (although I don’t get it, per se) it’s more that all of these men were sitting around watching it, not helping. AT ALL. And I don’t like sports on t.v. in general mainly because I think the commentators are L-A-M-E.

  12. Wow, thanks for the late night entertainment. I can’t believe this guy, out of control. Although I’m a little offended by your NASCAR comment (ok, not really) but it’s really not THAT bad! I think you’re going to have lots of fun stories to share this weekend. Can’t wait!

  13. I don’t understand why he isn’t married? I mean, surely, women have to immediately know what a catch he is! IDIOT!I really enjoyed this post Chloe. So true and SO sad. Not only that, but all of the guys out there that are like this don’t even realize that they are so stupid. They think they are God’s gift. I do have one question for you though. How come you didn’t tell me you were going to spend the weekend with my ex husband? just kidding…

  14. the sad thing is, i know guys like this that marry really nice girls. sad, sad, sad.you should have put him out of his misery.

bueller?... bueller?... bueller?

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