Yep. I finally had a perfect week. I didn’t eat out once. I feel pretty good about it. And that’s all I really have to say about that. Oh, except that I also discovered that making salad dressing is awesome. And store bought salad mixes just don’t last long enough for me. So, I have started buying heads of romaine and green and red leaf lettuce and making my own mixes made infinitely easier by my salad spinner. Everyone should own one of those.
I believe I’ve mentioned this before, but when I first started working as an esthetician I had four jobs. Yes. Four. I only had 25 hours a week at the salon and I was building my clientele, so I had to figure out how to pay the bills. Which meant I was working 25 hours a week at the salon, 10-15 hours a week at Williams-Sonoma, 1 day a week as an esthetician in a chiropractic office in Globe, AZ, and whatever nights I was needed to stock at Bath & Body Works. (Obviously, I don’t have pride issues when it comes to working. A job is a job…especially when you need money.)
It was insane. But I loved it. It was just so fun and chaotic. And the discounts were amazing! I was getting all of my personal care needs met for pennies at the salon. I enjoyed the benefits of the B&BW discounts for all the bridal shower gifts I was purchasing at that point in my life, and oh how I LOVED the Williams-Sonoma and Pottery Barn discounts.
When I finally had enough hours and enough clients to support myself with my main job at the salon, I quit B&BW and the chiropractic office, but I just couldn’t give up the Williams-Sonoma discount, so I continued to work a total 50-70 hours a week (depending on the season) to keep the discount. And the extra income from Williams-Sonoma was also my spending money for it. It was rare that I ever took home money from that job, but it was totally worth it. Eventually, I transfered to Pottery Barn for a little variety, but the discount remained.
The problem with this is that I got used to being able to purchase whatever I wanted from those two stores. And now I think that I should still be able to do that. But I really can’t. That said, I recently saw this amazing tartlet pan when I was window shopping. For those of you who know me, I kind of love making tarts. I like eating them, too. But I love making them more. So, I bought the pan. And for about a month it just sat in a box. Staring at me. Making me feeling guilty for purchasing something so frivolous. Something I really didn’t need. Something I hadn’t even used yet.
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| Yeah…the hot pads are from Williams-Sonoma, too…but they were purchased during my discount days. 🙂 |
And then I finally busted it out and I’ll tell you what…the guilt is gone. This pan is my new favorite. What could be better than bite sized tarts or quiches? I’ve discovered a new favorite recipe for pancetta, leek and goat cheese tartlets. And on Sunday I made my favorite tart in tartlet form. Both have been a total hit.
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| Such deliciousness. |
So, basically what I’m saying is that frivolous, impulse buys are awesome. Or maybe what I’m really saying is that sometimes it’s worth investing in good equipment for the hobbies that you love. In any case, if you ever want to try one of these, just invite me to a potluck and I’ll be happy to bake them for you!
It’s been a while since I’ve written anything about my 4-5 year olds at church. But yesterday is worth recording. There is one little boy in the class who just has a lot of energy. And sometimes his energy tries my patience.
I’m not sure if I mentioned this before, but I only really like children I’m related to. And, of course, I love those children. But I’m talking basics. Like, I don’t just not love kids I’m not related to…I don’t even like them. (I bet you are thinking about how much you wish I was your child’s teacher at church right now.) There are some exceptions (and all of you out there that I know who have children, just go ahead and assume that your kids are the exception). And when I say I don’t like, I don’t mean I dislike them. I’m just indifferent.
Anyway, I’m only telling you all of this so you’ll appreciate what I’m going to tell you next.
When I got asked to teach the four year olds at church, I was a little worried about this problem I have. (I do think it’s a problem…I’m not completely without feeling.) You know, you hear stories about people being given callings (that’s what we Mormons call the responsibilities we’re asked to fulfill at church) and just having an outpouring of love for the people they are serving. But I wasn’t buying it.
Wouldn’t it be funny if I just ended this post right now and said, “And guess what, I still don’t like these kids”? But would I really be writing about this if that was the end of the story? Let’s hope not.
So, it’s been about four or five months now (I think) and last week was ROUGH. We thought we were making progress, but it was not the best day ever. And I left church once again feeling like the mean teacher who just disciplines the kids because they cannot behave.
And then this week was a dream. There’s one little boy in particular who’s just been a little more difficult than the others. He’s a good kid, he just has A LOT of energy. As I was sitting in Sharing Time with the kids, he was being so good. I mean, like better than any other kid in the room. He was participating and singing the songs and I might have teared up just a little bit. And I suddenly just loved this little boy. And he was good the rest of the day. Not just better than usual, but really good.
Of course, I attributed this to the fact that he recently started school and so has a little more structure and discipline during the day because it couldn’t be that something had needed to change chez moi. You know where this is going…
Something had changed in me. And I think all of the kids in the class could feel that. I just loved them. I’m not sure how it happened (I’ve been praying it would) or why, but I’m so glad it did. I was excited to see them. I was excited to teach them. And we had an amazing day.
It’s funny just how much kids really can teach us if we are willing to learn from them. And what I learned yesterday was just how much love matters and what a difference it makes when we try to view others the way God views them. Yeah. It’s basic stuff. But sometimes I’m a little slow and/or forgetful. Thankfully I’ve got a bunch of four year olds to keep me honest.
Yep. This week was bad. I already knew I’d be going to Thai food (which was delicious and totally worth it), but then I got a text from an old and dear friend who was going to be in town for the week and it was a situation where going to brunch just made sense. In hindsight, I probably could have invited her and her girlfriend over to my apartment, but I had a lot going on that day, so cooking brunch just didn’t occur to me.
On top of that, I had a couple of other slip ups and basically through in the towel for this week. It hasn’t been awful, but it has added up to going about $20 over budget. However, tomorrow starts a new week and I have no eating out plans for the rest of the month and I am determined to finish strong.
This brings me to my “all or nothing” mentality which has proven extremely challenging throughout my life. I’m just not good and not beating myself up for “failing” and when I do that, well, it’s pretty much a downward spiral from there. I know there will be an end. In this case, I’m working on one week time frames, so the “failure” had an end in sight…but I couldn’t just correct it during the week.
On top of eating out, I also ate a bunch of crap. What I haven’t mentioned on the blog is that I’m also really trying to watch what I eat in an effort to lose weight/feel better/look better. And that went out the door this week, too. The one thing I did great last week was I worked out six days (which is my goal). This week has not been so good (I missed Monday and Tuesday, but did go for a nice long run tonight).
Anyway, all of this is to say that I struggle. A lot. And while I definitely feel a little sense of “failure” as I look back on this week, I know that next week will be better and I’m trying to cut myself a little slack. I have two more weeks of this and I can totally do it…and then it will be time to set some new (more realistic) goals.
P.S. I realize that this post is pretty boring, but I’m really tired…but I also didn’t want to skip it or put it off since I want this record for myself.
On Monday, two days after the PhD emailed me, I was seriously stressed out about the whole thing. Why was he back? What did it mean? What would it be like to see him again? Etc, etc, etc.
So, I called my sister, texted Kelly, emailed Sarah, and talked to Jenna during our morning run. Yes. That’s what girls do.
All were helpful. All were supportive. But Sarah sent me an email that perfectly described why all of this was causing me so much angst. Here is what she said:
Here are my thoughts:
We date. We date stupid people. We date not-so-stupid people. We date people we like. We date people we’re not sure if we like. We try. We try over and over. And it’s all because we have hope. If we stopped trying, we’d feel hopeless. Or at least I would. So, we keep trying and trying, hoping that one sticks. Because you never know.
And that perfectly captures why I think I was willing to walk down this path. Hope. Hope that he would not be the flake he was before. Hope that I would be better able to show that I liked him (not one of my talents). Hope that he would be just as fun as he was before. Hope that he’d suddenly want to join my church and we’d live happily ever after. (Okay, that last one was a stretch, but you get the point, right?)
Despite what happened, and my normal propensity to find fault with myself, I don’t feel bad about how I responded. I’m not kicking myself for being willing to go to dinner with him. Or being gracious when maybe the safer, less vulnerable, and definitely less hopeful thing to do would have been to not be. I’d rather know that I tried, that I put myself out there even if the result is that I get hurt than end up alone because I wasn’t willing to take a risk.
All of that said, I’m no masochist nor am I some shrinking violet (before I wrote that, I had written “wilting flower” which I knew wasn’t right, but I could not remember the actual phrase). And I definitely (finally) have enough confidence and self-respect to realize that I shouldn’t settle for someone who doesn’t value what I have to offer and treat me well.
And so it is over. And the way I know it’s over is because I did email him and ended it. I would have just copy and pasted the email right here, but I believe in the full purge as soon as the purge can happen. So all emails have been deleted. And if I could figure out how to get my iPhone to not remember his email address, I would do that, too.
I appreciate all of the comments and I do agree that walking away with no response would have been completely justified and appropriate…but I wanted to say what I had to say, what I wish I’d said last November had I had the opportunity. And so I did. Basically, I said that I decided it wasn’t a good idea for us to get together. I told him that back in November, when he disappeared with no warning or explanation, I’d been pretty hurt and confused and that, while I did really like him, given the history, his current behavior wasn’t going to work for me.
I may have failed to mention that not only did he cancel by email three hours before we were supposed to meet, but even before that he hadn’t responded when I’d told him where I wanted to meet (he had asked) and I actually had to send an email to see if we were still on for last night (which I did at 9:30 am) and he still didn’t email me until 3:30.
Sadly, I’m not going to get my answer…but I kind of think Zach might have been right in his comments. And to be honest, now I don’t really care.
So, another one bites the dust. Again. But I still have hope.
ETA: To those of you who wondered if this guy reads my blog, the answer is no. I mean I suppose it’s possible, but we aren’t Facebook friends, the blog doesn’t come up if you google my name. He could possibly have found my twitter account and my blog from that, but…I doubt it. There are lots of other boy stories I have that I would not share on here because either a) they could easily find my blog because we are FB friends or b) someone I know might know them and…well, I try not to be overly dumb about these things.
existential dilemmas 