No, I’m not talking about football, but I am talking about this lighted field on Friday nights and my new favorite obsession: soccer! And this is where I get to play every Friday night, with the Empire State Building glowing in the background. I also get to play on Saturday mornings. And Tuesday nights at practice. Yeah. Like I said. It’s a new obsession.

This week there were only three of us who could make it on Tuesday, but we still practiced anyway. And it was kind of nice because it was Amy and me who are both at about the same skill level and Oliver who is better than both of us and super nice (my whole team is really nice). I told him I really wanted to work on my ball handling skills. I am an excellent defender, but not so great when it comes to offense. So we played a lot of “monkey in the middle” (helps with with control and passing), mid-air trapping exercises (self-explanatory), and controlled heading (as in heading the ball in a specific direction).

At the end of practice, I didn’t really feel like I’d improved very much. And I was worse for the wear with a big, scraped up bruise on my shin (forgot my shin guards). And then Friday rolled around and, well, apparently practicing really does make a difference. It was AMAZING!

I still defended well (I love defense!), but I also helped on offense. In past games, I’ve only gotten the ball as a result of stealing it from the other team (and I haven’t minded that at all…I have never wanted someone to pass the ball to me because I was so sure I would lose possession in 2.2 seconds). But this game, it was different. It probably helps that I play with a great group of guys who do not expect perfection, but between practice and a little coaching from my teammates, something just clicked. Not only was able to help out in some integral plays, I headed the ball off a corner kick and nearly made it in the goal (or at least it headed in that direction :). It was so fun!

By the end of the game, I was beat. Playing offense and defense requires a little more running than just defense, and we were down a girl, so there were no subs for Amy and me and you have to have two girls on the field at all times. But it was so worth it. Oh, and we won 7-1. Kind of fantastic, right?

It’s been a busy couple of weeks. And in the middle of it all, things got a little crazy. The only way I can describe it is to say that I felt like I was living my life through a tilt-shift lens. I was still going to work. I was still playing soccer. I was still teaching Primary. I was still hosting houseguests, and hanging out with friends, and seeing movies and Broadway shows.  I was still living my life, but almost everything was a blur, pushed into the background and this one thing*, this one issue, was the only thing in focus.

As I’ve thought back on similar moments in my life, moments when really hard or bad or sad things have happened, it’s always the same. I always get lost in a tilt-shift view. I think it’s probably true for most people. I feel like my life will never be back in balanced focus. How could it be when something so difficult has turned my world on end? (A little dramatic, yes…but that’s how it feels.) I know nothing will make it go away. There’s no photoshop for life, but slowly, the focus shifts shifts given enough time and what was the only thing in focus becomes just a few pixels in my current life photograph.

And that’s where I am today. The focus has shifted and I can see everything again and life is good. Sure, there is this new thing that is part of my photo, but it’s just one thing in a photograph capturing my whole life. Not the only thing. Just one of many. And now that I have this analogy for these moments, I’m hoping I will learn to adjust the focus a little faster every time, or at least remember that, eventually, the focus will change, because for me there’s nothing worse than being in the depths of a tilt-shift moment without hope of balance returning.

*I know most of the time I am ridiculously open on the blog…but this is one of those times I just can’t be. But I still need to write about it because writing is my catharsis. I hope you’ll understand.

Yep. I finally had a perfect week. I didn’t eat out once. I feel pretty good about it. And that’s all I really have to say about that. Oh, except that I also discovered that making salad dressing is awesome. And store bought salad mixes just don’t last long enough for me. So, I have started buying heads of romaine and green and red leaf lettuce and making my own mixes made infinitely easier by my salad spinner. Everyone should own one of those.

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything about my 4-5 year olds at church. But yesterday is worth recording. There is one little boy in the class who just has a lot of energy. And sometimes his energy tries my patience.

I’m not sure if I mentioned this before, but I only really like children I’m related to. And, of course, I love those children. But I’m talking basics. Like, I don’t just not love kids I’m not related to…I don’t even like them. (I bet you are thinking about how much you wish I was your child’s teacher at church right now.) There are some exceptions (and all of you out there that I know who have children, just go ahead and assume that your kids are the exception). And when I say I don’t like, I don’t mean I dislike them. I’m just indifferent.

Anyway, I’m only telling you all of this so you’ll appreciate what I’m going to tell you next.

When I got asked to teach the four year olds at church, I was a little worried about this problem I have. (I do think it’s a problem…I’m not completely without feeling.) You know, you hear stories about people being given callings (that’s what we Mormons call the responsibilities we’re asked to fulfill at church) and just having an outpouring of love for the people they are serving. But I wasn’t buying it.

Wouldn’t it be funny if I just ended this post right now and said, “And guess what, I still don’t like these kids”? But would I really be writing about this if that was the end of the story? Let’s hope not.

So, it’s been about four or five months now (I think) and last week was ROUGH. We thought we were making progress, but it was not the best day ever. And I left church once again feeling like the mean teacher who just disciplines the kids because they cannot behave.

And then this week was a dream. There’s one little boy in particular who’s just been a little more difficult than the others. He’s a good kid, he just has A LOT of energy. As I was sitting in Sharing Time with the kids, he was being so good. I mean, like better than any other kid in the room. He was participating and singing the songs and I might have teared up just a little bit. And I suddenly just loved this little boy. And he was good the rest of the day. Not just better than usual, but really good.

Of course, I attributed this to the fact that he recently started school and so has a little more structure and discipline during the day because it couldn’t be that something had needed to change chez moi. You know where this is going…

Something had changed in me. And I think all of the kids in the class could feel that. I just loved them. I’m not sure how it happened (I’ve been praying it would) or why, but I’m so glad it did. I was excited to see them. I was excited to teach them. And we had an amazing day.

It’s funny just how much kids really can teach us if we are willing to learn from them. And what I learned yesterday was just how much love matters and what a difference it makes when we try to view others the way God views them. Yeah. It’s basic stuff. But sometimes I’m a little slow and/or forgetful. Thankfully I’ve got a bunch of four year olds to keep me honest.

Yep. This week was bad. I already knew I’d be going to Thai food (which was delicious and totally worth it), but then I got a text from an old and dear friend who was going to be in town for the week and it was a situation where going to brunch just made sense. In hindsight, I probably could have invited her and her girlfriend over to my apartment, but I had a lot going on that day, so cooking brunch just didn’t occur to me.

On top of that, I had a couple of other slip ups and basically through in the towel for this week. It hasn’t been awful, but it has added up to going about $20 over budget. However, tomorrow starts a new week and I have no eating out plans for the rest of the month and I am determined to finish strong.

This brings me to my “all or nothing” mentality which has proven extremely challenging throughout my life. I’m just not good and not beating myself up for “failing” and when I do that, well, it’s pretty much a downward spiral from there. I know there will be an end. In this case, I’m working on one week time frames, so the “failure” had an end in sight…but I couldn’t just correct it during the week.

On top of eating out, I also ate a bunch of crap. What I haven’t mentioned on the blog is that I’m also really trying to watch what I eat in an effort to lose weight/feel better/look better. And that went out the door this week, too. The one thing I did great last week was I worked out six days (which is my goal). This week has not been so good (I missed Monday and Tuesday, but did go for a nice long run tonight).

Anyway, all of this is to say that I struggle. A lot. And while I definitely feel a little sense of “failure” as I look back on this week, I know that next week will be better and I’m trying to cut myself a little slack. I have two more weeks of this and I can totally do it…and then it will be time to set some new (more realistic) goals.

P.S. I realize that this post is pretty boring, but I’m really tired…but I also didn’t want to skip it or put it off since I want this record for myself.