existential dilemmas

Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced. – Kierkegaard

o hanami

Posted on April 4, 2013 by chloe elizabeth

So, I took a lot of photos of the cherry blossoms. A lot. This isn’t even a quarter of them. I would love to write some brilliant post to go along with these about just how beautiful the whole celebration of cherry blossoms (hanami) is, both literally and figuratively. I have the post inside of my brain somewhere. But honestly, I have a lot of other things on my mind right now, none of which have anything to do with sakura or hanami, or which I’m prepared to blog about. (It’s been a bit of a rough week.) So, until I figure out how to get the thoughts in my head out, I hope you’ll just enjoy these photos. Already it’s taken me over a week to post these, so I hope you’ll also forgive my lack of editing (other than a crop or straighten here and there). Maybe someday I’ll get around to it…

The canal by my apartment was an amazing place to take a bike and view the blossoms. And because I’m an early riser, I was out and about before most people had awoken from their drunken escapades of Friday night.

So amazing.

Everyone takes photos of the blossoms.

Seriously, how did I get so lucky?

There are other flowers out as it is spring. And they are also stunning.

My new favorite scent. Daphne (above) is this lovely little flowering shrub that smells like heaven. I wish I could bottle it.

A beautiful path I came across as I was riding through Shinjuku. This is part of Waseda University. My alma-mater didn’t have anything like this.

This is the big park in Shinjuku (not the one right by my apartment…although I took a lot of photos in that park, as well). It was pretty dang crowded, and absolutely stunning.

I loved this little girl taking a photo the couple. She’s pretty much adorable.

I wish even one of these photos accurately captured just how magnificent the cherry blossoms really are. And the feeling you get walking under them.

My little part of Tokyo. I might have pinched myself multiple times this day, wondering if my life was a dream.

Shinjuku Gyoen (Park) is pretty big. No Central Park, but still impressive. This was my first time inside and I am smitten. It has different areas classified by the type of gardens. The one above is the French section. I can’t wait to go see this in the summer.

So. Many. People.

Posing.

O hanami.

I took this on Sunday after church. I love that I get to go to church right next to the temple.

playing tour guide in tokyo

Posted on January 26, 2013 by chloe elizabeth

Just a few quick highlights of the part of the trip when my cousin was in Tokyo because I am trying desperately to get caught up.

Christmas, as I mentioned, was a Karaoke Christmas. Before that, we also joined my friends for a lovely dinner at an American military place (I cannot remember the name of it for the life of me). It was amazing. And included Diet Coke.

And then, the day after Christmas, we went and saw Les Miserables. Or in Japanese (spelled American style), Ray Meezahrahburu. I’m not going to give you my review of the movie other than to say I enjoyed it thoroughly for what it was, a cinematic interpretation of an operetta written for the stage. What I do want to share is our funny experience trying to get to the movie.

We had been at my friend’s house which is exactly in the wrong place to get to the movie theater in a hurry. Too close to take the train, but a far enough walk that we weren’t going to make it. So, we hopped in a cab. Cabs, as you may or may not know, are not really my thing in Japan. I’m getting better, but it’s still hard.

So, I told the cab driver (really, I should say taxi driver because there’s nothing “cab driver” like about these drivers) we wanted to go to Roppongi Hills Cinema. Well, really I said “Roppongi Hiruzu Cinema”. The taxi drive repeated Roppongi Hiruzu, but didn’t understand the “cinema”. I knew it was the same word in Japanese, but I doubted myself when he couldn’t understand me. And repeated myself multiple times thinking that the next time he’d magically understand what I was saying even though I was saying it exactly the same way as the previous time.

And then I paused and thought, “How would this be written in Japanese?” and it clicked. So I then said “Roppongi Hiruzu Sheenayma” and the driver, in excitement, says, “Oh, sheenayma!” and all was well in the universe. Have I mentioned lately how much I love Japan. It’s not the easiest place to live for a white girl who doesn’t speak the language, but it sure is a fun adventure.

On Thursday we went to Meiji Shrine. I’ve posted a lot about this place before, so I didn’t take a lot of photos, but it was nice to visit. We barely made it in time, but it was enough for Tanya to see it. And then we headed down to Shibuya (crazy intersection place). Along the way, we passed this shoe store and Tanya suggest we go inside. Big mistake.

While it was Tanya’s idea to go in, I’m the one that was trying on shoes. I couldn’t help myself. I figured I wouldn’t be able to fit in shoes in Japan as the Japanese are just smaller than Americans in general. But, lo and behold, my feet that happen to be just a little on the small side given my height can fit into the largest Japanese shoe size (at least that can easily be found in a store. And so I walked away with these beauties.

Not only are my own trips/vacations expensive for me, but when others are on vacation with me, they’re expensive for me, too. But totally worth it!

Later that night we were wandering around Roppongi and walked by this pet store, which had a number of little monkeys for sale. Let’s just say I was tempted…if it hadn’t have been for the price tag.

And the requisite trip to Tokyo Tower. We got there at the perfect time. The end of daylight, so Tanya was able to see the city during the day, during sunset, and all lit up. To top it off, it was an amazingly clear day so we were also able to see Mt. Fuji.

And then, after getting home, we decided to make a little visit to Don Quijote, this amazing super store just around the corner from me. This is it’s own experience for so many reasons (not the least of which is the food they cell). In fact, I think it could be considered a crash course in Tokyo culture. I’ve been there many times (they have everything–think Japanese Kmart) and I’m pretty used to the weirdness that is Tokyo, but this one caught even me off guard. And I could not stop laughing. I mean, it was just amazing.

The following day (I think) we headed out to Shinjuku to meet my friends for dinner at my new favorite restaurant in all of Tokyo, this little gyoza place that is amazing and so cheap. All they do is gyoza (aka pot-stickers or dumplings). Tanya wasn’t super happy about the smoking in the restaurant that was happening. Coming from California where you can’t smoke anywhere (and where, apparently, there are PSAs encouraging you to tell smokers that they are giving you cancer) it was a bit of an adjustment for her. I don’t like it, but clearly I’ve gotten used to it.

After dinner we wandered around Shinjuku and did some shopping. We found ourselves in what we thought was a regular department store, but come to find out it was the regular department store’s “special styles” store. To say it was interesting would be a total understatement. Unfortunately, I got busted for taking this photo, so I didn’t get any other ones. But, I think this one is pretty awesome.

The departments in this store? You can check them out here. Worth the visit.

And then, as we continued walking, we saw these. I’ve seen pictures of them before, but it was my first time seeing them life. Tokyo is a weird place. Basically, you can rent these and sit in the chair (see the chair?) and then…I don’t know what. And I haven’t researched it further because I’m not sure I want to know what.

On Friday, we headed out to Yokohama (a little farther actually) to visit our grandparents’ home when they lived here in the ’70s. It was pretty awesome to see it. It was clearly abandoned, so we did a little exploring. Apparently, it has changed quite a bit, according to my aunt, but it was still cool to see their house.

And because we were already out that way, we took the opportunity to visit Chinatown in Yokohama. One of the biggest in the world and definitely the cleanest.

There were a number of very cool temples there. And tons of food, but neither of us was hungry and we had dinner plans.

On Saturday, we headed out to Asakusa to go to the Edo museum. Which turned out to be closed. New Year’s is a serious thing around these parts and things close down for the entire week. But it wasn’t a total loss. We got to see the temple (which I had yet to visit) and experience Tokyo at it’s holiday finest (i.e. crowds of people everywhere.

We also wandered through part of Ueno Park–another first for me–and saw this woman feeding the birds. We might have both started singing tuppence a bag.

And Saturday night we went to a fancy dinner for Tanya’s 25th birthday and it was so good and so fun (minus the taxi experience getting there…I’ve never had a Tokyo taxi driver flat out refuse me service, but that’s what happened. But I was stubborn and won and so we got the angriest ride I’ve ever had in my life. If there had been any other option.

Sunday was T’s last day in Tokyo (and it was only part of a day). We went to the Sony Center (which was pretty cool) and then wandered around Matsuya for a bit. I had no idea there was a food hall in the basement. Kind of a painful discovery.

We got Tanya a piece of cake, since she hadn’t had actual cake on her birthday, and she shoved it in her face before we had to Tokyo Station to get her on the Narita Express to the airport.

The End

Coming up…a job offer, apartment hunting, and a mochitsuki.

ikebana

Posted on December 17, 2012 by chloe elizabeth

When I was a little girl, I spent a lot of time with my grandparents. My mom was pretty sick and in and out of the hospital and so, before I started school, I would spend most weeks at her house about an hour south of my hometown with my little brother.

The two of us would play in the backyard and go for adventures down to the creek with our grandpa. We’d go for walks with the dogs, play with trucks in the playroom, hide in the storage room, ride the big, red tricycle, and pedal the “surrey with the fringe on top” around the neighborhood. We picked tangerines off of the tree next door, went on trips to the dump with our grandpa, slid down the slide and swung on the bars on the play-set in the backyard. Besides the fact that our mom was sick and we weren’t in our own home, it was pretty idyllic.

Easter in my grandparents’ living room.

I also have memories of my grandparents’ formal living and dining rooms; rooms we weren’t allowed to play in, but that I absolutely loved. Besides the pink settee that I still love, my grandma made these amazing flower arrangements and I have vivid memories of the beautiful birds-of-paradise and calla lilies she would cut from the plants in the backyard and subsequently turn into beautiful works of art using one of her many bowls and a little needle covered block called a frog. These arrangements stayed in the living room where they would not be destroyed by busy children with lots of energy.

Sydne, Ashley, me, and Daphne at JFK as I was heading to Switzerland for my mission.

This was the beginning of my love of flowers. And then my mom’s best friend in the world, Sydne, was an incredible florist (still is, in fact), which only added to it. A little later on in my life, when my mother was healthier and Justin and I had returned home for good, I would often spend late nights and early mornings with my mom over at Sydne’s. I would get to help her daughters put pearl pins in stephanotis or peel damaged petals off of roses in preparation for one of the many weddings she would be doing during any given week. It was so fun to be part of creating something so beautiful for such a special occasion.

One of the last memories I have of my mom was of her and Sydne making these flower crowns for my senior year Homecoming game. I kept that crown in my closet for years afterward, hanging onto one of the last things I had that my mother had created for me.

Anyway, I share all of this to paint a picture for you. I know there are people out there who think flowers are kind of a waste, and I can understand that point of view. Clearly, though, I don’t share it. So, when I was home last month and made my 23-hour visit to Utah, mostly to see my grandma, I was thrilled when she gave me one of her ikebana books, some money to take a class, and the promise that I would inherit her containers and frogs. (Cousins, I hope you are committing what I just wrote to memory. 🙂 )

Since moving to Japan I have been wanting to take an ikebana class. This is the type of flower arranging my grandma has always done and she learned while she was living here in Japan in the early 70s. The book she gave me had a letter in it, written to her by a woman who I can only assume was one of her instructors. A letter dated 1983 and that cost 480 yen to send (the dollar was so much stronger then…).

So, with a little research on the web, I found an introductory class in English that wasn’t ridiculously expensive. After a few emails back and forth, I scheduled my lesson for this past Saturday. It was everything I was hoping for and more. It started with a couple of demonstrations while my darling instructor, Reiko, explained some of the history behind the art of ikebana and and the different formal styles, including the type of ikebana she practices: Sogetsu.

She also taught me about the use of different plants and flowers and how each one is said to contain a deity, and so each one represents something different. When I was looking through my grandma’s book, as well as the one Reiko had, I found a number of arrangements that I did not find especially aesthetically pleasing, but after Reiko gave me this part of the lesson, I could see that the beauty of these arrangements was to be found in what they represented.

Nagiere

Reiko first demonstrated the basic upright style arranged in Nageire. To say I was enthralled would be an understatement. She showed me how to make supports in the container in order to position the flowers exactly where they should be. She explained the importance of space and density, angles and lines, colors and lengths.

Freestyle

She then demonstrated a more modern or freestyle arrangement; the type of arrangement you can do one you have mastered the basics.

Reiko’s example: Moribana

And then it was my turn. Well, almost. First she demonstrated the most basic style, basic upright arranged in Moribana, using the same flowers I would be using. While I would have loved to have arranged it in Nagiere (seriously, creating supports from stems is just cool), I was so excited to finally be playing with a frog (aka kenzan in Japanese) having seen them so often during my childhood. And I was thrilled about the irises. I love irises.

My first try at ikebana: Moribana

It was so fun to being arranging flowers and to have to think about space and lines. Once I was done, we moved the arrangement from one container to the next, experimenting with different colors. I started with a navy blue container, then tried white, and finally decided this was my favorite, even though I didn’t think the colors would look good together, it just felt the best. And that was the end of my first class.

In case it wasn’t obvious, there will be more. And, on top of having this awesome experience, I got to take all of the flowers we used home with me. Once back in my apartment, I pulled out my little vase and went to work. It’s amazing how just one lesson in ikebana helped me so much in my western style of arranging flowers. I used space and variety more. I thought about angles and lines. And I was pretty pleased with the finished product.

Of course I like to find metaphors in art whenever possible and I think ikebana, when compared with western flower arranging, is a perfect representation of how my life in Japan feels versus my life in New York. My life in New York was beautiful because it was full and I carefully fit as much into my days as I possibly could, ensuring I could see everyone I wanted to see and do everything I wanted to do and not miss out on anything. Like a western arrangement, it was about being full. And, as I said, it was beautiful.

My life in Japan, on the other hand, is not as full of people or activities. I am much more thoughtful about what I want to do and everything requires a little more effort because the culture and language are not native to me. I have to think more and do less. It is also beautiful, but it’s a beauty that is as much a result of what is there as what is not there.

And if I take this idea to its logical conclusion, the end result will be that, when I return to my New York City lifestyle, it will as one who has seen a different way and will be able to take the lessons learned from my life here to make my life there that much better, easier, and more beautiful. Kind of great, right?

owning it

Posted on December 16, 2012 by chloe elizabeth

So, if you follow me on Instagram or we’re friends on FB, you know that recently I’ve had this little problem? obsession? affinity to? (take your pic) posting pictures of myself in various outfits. (I’ve posted the pics here, too…apologies to those of you who have seen all of these already.) Yeah, it’s self-indulgent and rather obnoxious, but it’s a big deal for me. And it’s not because I think I look amazing or that people want to see all these self-portraits of me in different outfits. It’s also not because I’ve recently lost 20 lbs and want to show it off (I haven’t). It started with a request to see the maxi dress I’d posted about somewhere.

Never in my life had I considered posting (or even taking, for that matter) a full body shot of just myself because why would I ever do that when I so dislike what my body looks like right now (and always, really, even when I did weight 60 lbs less than I do today)? But something in me finally decided I was done and that it was time to just be okay with me as I am right now.

Would I love to lose 60 lbs? Hell yes. I’d take 5 lbs at this point. And do I think exercise and eating right are optimal for good health and happiness? Of course. But I’ve spent most of my life thinking about how much better it would be if I could just lose those 20 (or 30 or 60) lbs. Every (and I do mean every) success in my life has been tarnished by and every failure has been more painful as a result of these thoughts. And it has been exhausting. And sad. And a big, fat (pun intended) waste of brain space.

The request for a picture of the maxi dress was a big part of this, but I don’t think I would have been in the mind I was in without moving to Japan. Here, it wouldn’t matter if I was skinny, I would still stick out like a sore thumb and there’s nothing I can do about it. People stare. People occasionally even move when I sit next to them on the subway. (Yeah, I’m not kidding. It has happened to all of us “gaijin” at one point or another.) Children point and say “Amerikajin”. No getting around it. And there is an incredible amount of freedom in that.

And then there’s the fact that my life does not currently include anyone I would seriously consider dating or a circle of single girlfriends who are all constantly worrying about what they look like and their “marketability” and there’s freedom in that. So, in the absence of worrying about what other people think about what I look like and constant comments from women both thinner and prettier than I am about how they wish they were prettier and thinner, I am free to just be me. I’ve been able to let go more than I’ve ever been able to before. And letting go means that when I went home in November and needed to get some new clothes, I bought things that fit me and looked good on my body as it is right now, without worrying about what size they were or what store I’d purchased them at or indulging some hope (dream?) that I’d magically lose 5-10 lbs so it would be okay to buy something that’s just a little too small because that would be the motivation I needed to lose weight.

(Side note: I seriously could have outfitted an entire village–or four–for a generation with the myriad articles of clothing I’ve purchased on that hope, never worn, and subsequently donated when they were finally out of style…with them still not fitting me.)

While it makes me sad thinking about all the opportunities for happiness I’ve wasted worrying so much about something that is such an insignificant part of who I am, today is a new day. Today, I’m choosing to be the best version of who I am right now, extra pounds and all. And so I’ve been taking pictures to capture how I look and feel as I am right now. (Bet you didn’t realize there was all of that going on in my head.) And it feels so good to wake up in the morning and know I have clothes that will fit and that I will feel good in, even if they aren’t the size I want them to be. Even if I’m not the size I want me to be.

There’s only one “today” and I will no longer be wasting it on thoughts of how much better tomorrow might be, if only…

maples and roses

Posted on December 15, 2012 by chloe elizabeth

No time to write a real post, but I just have to share these amazing photos from my adventures out and about in Tokyo a few weeks ago. Yes, a few weeks. I’m so behind!

I had heard about and seen photos of the fall colors in Japan, but I hadn’t had time to get out and see them for myself and I was worried I was going to miss them. So the Saturday after Thanksgiving (which was an absolutely gorgeous day) I decided it was time to be a tourist again in my own city.

I consulted the Top 10 Tokyo book I borrowed from my friend, CoyLou, and set off to see what I could see in Bunkyo-ku, one of the wards north of me where there are a couple of big parks.

**Note: these photos are not in order because my computer is having issues and I don’t have the patience to reorder them. Also, I haven’t edited any of them…partly because I want to share them untouched, but mostly because I have no desire to spend more time on my computer than I necessary.**

My first stop was Rikugi-en. It did not disappoint!

The light in the park was absolutely perfect. And I had lots of fun playing with it.

Possibly my favorite photo from the entire day.

When I took this, I thought it looked like I was standing on some fake fall set of a T.V. show, but it wasn’t. Just this beautiful, mossy knoll, covered in leaves, with a ray of sunlight shining down.

Koi. Huge koi. My older brother would have been very jealous.

Playing with shadows.

Playing with sunlight.

Following Rikugi-en, I headed down the street to Kyu-Furukawa Gardens. I had read about the beautiful rose gardens and grounds of this western-style mansion, but assumed I would not be seeing roses so late in November. I was happy to discover I was mistaken. The rose garden was incredible.

I share this picture not because of the fall foliage or the grounds, but the Bo Peep. A common sight in various parts of Tokyo, but kind of random here.

A beautiful stone staircase in a hidden part of the grounds. The sunlight peeking through was stunning.

Charles de Gaulle

Rio Samba Rose

As I was getting ready to leave the park (again, photos not in order), I happened upon this little concert that was just starting. The kokyū musician was playing Disney songs with recorded, orchestral accompaniment. I can’t lie. It was pretty magical.

The audience collected on the lawn and this was our view. I would have loved to have performed on a stage like this back in my singing days. Talk about a great backdrop.

Blue Light Rose…maybe my favorite.

So basically, autumn in Tokyo was even more vibrant and breathtaking than I’d heard, seen, or even imagined. I don’t think that there’s a tree out there that can hold a candle to a Japanese maple (or 紅葉 / もみじ / momiji in Japanese) in the fall and they are everywhere here. And then you add roses, and well, it’s pretty much perfect.

That said, I do hope that I get to stick around here through the spring because I’m sure that the photos don’t do that justice either.