This Mumford & Sons song might be my favorite right now. I’ve had it on repeat for a few days. Music is definitely the quickest way for me to connect with my emotions. It doesn’t necessarily help me understand them, but if for sure helps me feel them. And I love the way music can take me right back to a time and place and all the emotions come right back; the good and the shitty.  And I want to remember this song and this moment in my life. I want to remember the “birth and death” that I’ve experienced over the past few years; the denial, the anger, the sadness, as well as the excitement and the newness. It feels very much like the wild.

The Wild
We saw birth and death
Can’t we be still
What makes you kind
From where comes your sparkling mind

Was it under the earth?
Tied up in a knot
Which I forgot you were ever there

Do not be afraid
Do not be afraid

What’s that I see?
I think it’s the wild
Puts the fear of God in me

And was there a grudge
Up from the dust
Inconceivable lie

What’s that I see?
I think it’s the wild
Puts the fear of God in me
–Mumford & Sons

And as I’ve been typing this, I had one of those memories and songs pop into my head. Shortly after my mom died I went for a drive. I did a lot of driving in those days and weeks following her death. I was driving up Provo Canyon near BYU, where I was a freshmen in college, in my little green Mitsubishi Eclipse with Tracy Chapman’s The Promise blasting from my CD player on repeat. I parked in one of the little turnouts part way up the canyon and just cried. I know that sounds kind of depressing (and it is pretty sad), but I love that if I ever want to feel close to my mom I can just turn that song on. It makes me cry every time. But sometimes I just need to miss my mom and cry. Even 23 years later.

The Promise
If you wait for me
Then I’ll come for you
Although I’ve traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart

If you think of me
If you miss me once in a while
Then I’ll return to you
I’ll return and fill that space in your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I’ll find my way back to you
If you’ll be waiting

If you dream of me
Like I dream of you
In a place that’s warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I’ll find my way back to you
If you’ll be waiting

Oh, I’ve longed for you
And I have desired
To see your face, your smile
To be with you wherever you are

Together again
It would feel so good to be
In your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise
If it’s one that you can keep
I vow to come for you
If you wait for me

And say you’ll hold
A place for me
In your heart
–Tracy Chapman