Thank you for somehow managing to deal with the sleep deprivation currently being inflicted upon you. It came to my attention last year that your ability to function without sleep had deteriorated significantly, and yet somehow, over the past few weeks, you’ve hung in there like a champ. I think the late nights might slow down eventually because even I know this isn’t sustainable, but thank you, thank you, thank you for pushing through. 

Yes, I did know that I set the dryer for 56 minutes. In fact, I set it for 70. And the reason I know that is that I put the quarters into the dryer to set it for 70 minutes. And the reason I set it for 70 minutes? Because I go to this laundromat every week. Because I wash my own clothes so as not to have them thrashed by sending them out to be laundered. Because I dry them on low to preserve the life of my clothing. Because I had towels in the load. Not that it was any of your business, but there you go. And when I explained that all to you (much more succinctly), you acknowledged that it was none of your business. And I agreed. 

You have made it so I don’t think I can happily live anywhere but NYC as a singleton. And it’s not like I use you that often, but just knowing you’re there makes me happy. And tonight, you came in so handy. I’m knee deep in cleaning (um…and blogging obviously) and I don’t have any desire to leave my apartment looking the way I do and all I have in my fridge are applesauce and myriad condiments. Until one has experienced the convenience that is food delivered from just about any restaurant in a 20 block radius, one just cannot understand how easy life can be. 

Thank you so much for letting me come hang out with you last weekend. It was exactly what I needed. Life has been a little stressful and chaotic the past couple of weeks and I just needed a break. I love my family and the new babies and helping out with them…which is why I just needed to reset. Because I had been helping out with them. And it is so nice that you now live in Boston and have a lovely home where I can just chill for a weekend. Thank you for the wonderful trip to the Finnish sauna and for allowing me to not do anything else the whole time I was there besides talk your ear off about a boy, eat ice cream and caramel popcorn, watch movies, and sleep. I’m so happy to finally have you on the east coast!

I’m not sure how you became The Bachelor, but somehow it happened. Thanks to you, this season has been, quite possibly, the most ridiculous one to date (I admit, this is based on my limited experience–I’ve only watched four seasons) and yet I can’t help myself. A few words of advice once this whole thing is over and we all find out that it didn’t workout with whomever it is you chose to propose to because I’m guessing you’re just dumb enough to choose Courtney. Cut your freaking hair!!! There. I said it. And now, in case you want to know what’s so bad about it, I give you this picture.

I adore you and I was so excited to see you after four weekends in a row out of town. Thank you for being so good upon my return and so excited to see me, too. And tomorrow I have a special treat for you. I’m bringing salt dough. It’s going to be so much fun! I can’t wait to see you. 

What a perfect season finale. Thank you for being such a joy to watch and having such interesting and complex characters. Thank you for proving that good entertainment doesn’t have to be crass or edgy. 

Thanks for making me feel so tough even though both my teams are relatively crappy this season. There’s something about having a ball shaped bruise with a hexagon imprint on my quad that just makes me feel really good about myself.