Dear woman/girl with the long, dark hair who grooms herself in the restroom on my floor at work,
The fact that I know that you groom yourself but don’t know who you are should be an indication that your grooming habits are kind of gross. As much as I like walking over to the sinks to wash my hands and seeing your long, dark strands of hair on the counter and in the sinks (yes, plural)…oh wait. I don’t. It’s disgusting. In all seriousness, do you just not see the evidence of your grooming? I can only imagine how disgusting your bathroom is at home.
The girl who is grossed out at least once a day when all she wants to do is wash her hands
Dear corporate girls everywhere,
I refer to you as “girls” as opposed to “women” because women would not dress the way you dress. Contrary to popular belief (at least as evidenced in my building), cocktail and party dresses/skirts are not actually workplace appropriate. I get that you don’t want to lose your femininity and perhaps there are some of you who realize that you might be able to get some of the gentlemen with whom you work to pay more attention to you by dressing inappropriately. That said, they are only noticing what you look like, which might get you attention, but is not going to get you a promotion any time soon; at least not one that will last.
A quick list of things that should not be part of your professional wardrobe: sheer anything without something underneath, dresses so short people wonder if you forgot to put on pants, skirts that don’t allow you to sit down for fear of exposing yourself, tops that dip low enough to show the bottom of your bra, and anything so tight that you worry about ripping seams when you move.
With much love and a desire to further the cause of appropriate femininity everywhere,
Dear female public restroom users everywhere,
Is it really so hard to wait the five seconds it takes for the toilet to finish flushing to make sure it has, in fact, flushed? I just don’t get it. As a guest in someone’s home would you ever not make sure the toilet flushed all the way before leaving the bathroom? Of course you wouldn’t because a) that would be disgusting and b) everyone would know it was you. Is it the anonymity of the public stalls that makes you feel safe in not worrying about such common courtesies?
With total disbelief,
The girl who is actually mature enough to flush toilets and make sure everything goes down
Dear idiot jaywalkers,
I qualify this because in NYC everyone jaywalks (unless you’re a tourist). So, idiot jaywalkers…while I do understand that pedestrians have the right of way when there is a walk signal, we don’t when there isn’t one, so it might be helpful to actually pay attention to the lights so you know what’s going on. If you don’t know an intersection well enough, then use some kind of caution before blindly walking across the street.
While the reality is that this in no way negatively impacts my life, I’m annoyed on behalf of the drivers in the northbound left-hand turn lane at Broadway and 96th because, almost without fail, one of you idiots causes one of them to miss a light EVERY LIGHT.
In the hopes that this letter keeps at least one person from being an idiot jaywalker,
Dear tourists anywhere other than Times Square,
When you stop to look at something, don’t do it in the middle of the freaking sidewalk when foot traffic is moving! Is it really that difficult to move out of the way to look up at the big, shiny buildings? I get it. New York is awesome. I live here. I appreciate that you want to visit this amazing place. I do. And I have lots of patience for you when I’m intruding on “your” territory (namely Times Square–and if I worked there I might feel otherwise, but I don’t), but seriously, have a little respect. Please. For the love of people who work in this city and pay a butt-load of money in taxes so that you have a nice city to come visit.
A girl who really tries to be an unobtrusive tourist wherever she travels
Dear idiot subway riders,
Again…”idiot” to differentiate from the intelligent subway riders. Is it really that hard to understand that when you who are waiting to get on the crowded train at 8 am stand right in front of the doors, it makes it so people can’t get off the subway, thus impeding your ability to get on it? I just don’t get how you don’t get that. Every day it’s the same thing. It is never going to change. I know that you really want to get on there right away so you can get the one empty seat. I do. But seriously, you shouldn’t be worried about getting a seat because you should be giving it to the pregnant woman, or the elderly man with a cane instead of rushing the doors that you can’t get in to push past everyone just so you can sit down for your two stop ride.
And while we’re at it, could you please have your tickets out BEFORE you get to the turnstile?
In high hopes (even if they are futile) that you will some day get it,
Dear inconsiderate subway riders,
(You are not dumb, you are just jackholes.) There is a pattern to subway riding that should be followed. During morning commutes, before the kiddies get on the train to go to school, no one wants to hear you talking. And, even less than they want to hear you talking do they want to hear your music blaring through your headphones. If you get on the train and you hear nothing…that would be an indication that nothing is what everyone on the train wants to hear.
As for the rest of the day, we still don’t want to hear your crappy music through your headphones.
With little love and less affection,
And for my final letter, a repeat topic because apparently there are still people who don’t get it (because, you know, all of my other letters have worked):
Dear escalator riding tourists and non-commuters,
I understand that you are not in a rush. That’s fine. You don’t have to be. But you should be conscientious of the people around you who are in a rush and are using the escalator as a means of speeding their ascent/descent, rather than a resting point in their “journey”. I understand that all of the stairs in New York can make you tired. I do. It was an adjustment for me. So stand on the escalator…just stand to the RIGHT. It’s not a difficult concept really. And while I do get that some of you lovebirds can’t stand the thought of not being right next to each other every second of every minute of every day of your vacation in this lovely city, you need to get over it for the 30 seconds you are on the escalator so that you can stand single file and let those of us that have places to go get past.
The girl who knows that you can still be touching each other even if you’re not next to each other