Dear Diet Coke,
You are so good. Absolutely delicious. I never imagined that I would need to leave you. But this week, something weird happened. I got home Monday night and my legs were all swollen. To the point of causing me pain. My ankles, which are normally abnormally thin and delicate, had become kankles. I didn’t understand what was happening. Then I thought about the many, many ounces of you I had consumed that day. I didn’t want to believe it, but on Tuesday, after not drinking you all morning, I decided to see if you were the cause. I went to Sonic and purchased 44 ounces of your delicious goodness. I drank. I swelled. I cried. I knew our relationship had to end. Why do you have to cause me such problems? When will I be able to taste your sweet nectar again? Why’d you have to do me like that? And why, oh why, do I have to suffer such horrible headaches in your absence?
With mixed emotions,
I am actually starting to get excited to take you. I think it will be fun to see just how well I can do. Please don’t let me down. I really want a higher score than my instructor and I’m going to need your help to do it. I changed my plans for you. I rescheduled my trip for California to a few weeks later. I will be taking you on the Saturday of my Labor Day weekend, meaning that I will spend Labor Day morning running 18 miles so I can keep on my running schedule. Oh, dearest GMAT, please don’t let me down. Give me reading comprehension that I understand already and geometry problems that center on triangles. I love triangles. I hate circles. Please leave the circles home. Oh, and I’d prefer to not deal with negative exponents, but if negative exponents mean that I’m doing extremely well, then I will survive. And cube roots, I don’t need those so much either. Is all of this too much to ask? Is there something I can do for you? Just let me know.
With high hopes,
A future business leader of America
Dear Sweet Tooth,
I have to tell you that I am less than happy about your recent need to vocalize your desires. You have been so very kind and helpful these last eight weeks. You have kept your mouth shut and left me alone. Even through PMS, you were too awful. So what the hell happened. Why now? Why this week? What did I do to you? I try to give you treats now and then to keep you quiet. I go to Cold Stone and order the Sinless Sweet Cream, so that you aren’t totally deprived of ice cream. Why now? Why, when things have been going so well? Why must you whisper tales of ice cream and donuts and orange rolls into my ear? Why can’t you just shut up? Is it really that difficult?
With much disdain,
A girl who wishes you were mute and she was deaf
Why do you have to be so fun to walk around? Why can’t you be less tempting? After dinner with Amanda last night, I could have just gone home. But then she said she was going to Costco and I couldn’t help myself. I had to go. While it was worth it for the gas, I did not need to purchase Harry Potter. My goal was to make it through the GMAT without owning that darn book. I don’t have time to read it. But there it was, sitting at the end of the book aisle, with a super low price and I just couldn’t resist. I purchased it. I couldn’t afford it, in terms of time or money, but I did it. Something about your lovely warehouse prices lulls me into a false sense of security. I think to myself, “It’s Costco. Of course it’s a good purchase.” Why must you be so tempting?
A way too busy girl who will now be getting even less sleep
Dear clean clothes,
Why can’t you just fold yourselves? I’m sick of you and your stupid pile on my makeshift daybed/couch. I wish you would just go away (you know, away, into the closet, hung up and all).
With much frustration,
An anti-laundry folder
Dear Wrinkle Releaser,
Thank you. I know my mom would die…again (and I hope that doesn’t offend any of you out there, but this is what really comes out of my head), if she saw the state of my clothes sometimes when I walk out the door. But without you, it would be so much worse. Thank you for enabling my bad laundry folding/hanging habits. You are my hero.
A girl who hasn’t ironed in over three months
You’ve enjoyed a break this last week. You haven’t been deprived of any of your favorite treats (well, not until you decided to let the Diet Coke make you retain inordinate amounts of water). I haven’t made you run since Saturday. You have gotten more sleep this week than you have in months. I hope you have enjoyed it because things are about to change. It all ends today. After I have a little movie popcorn at the theater tonight. But once I go to bed tonight, consider yourself back in training. I know. I know. You think I’m horribly mean. But trust me, as much as you hate me for this training and deprivation, you would hate me more without it because we are running that marathon whether we like it or not. You will have a small taste of what laziness does on Saturday when we are running 10 miles, in Arizona.
With much love,
Your owner who really doesn’t want you to die while running 26.2 miles in October
This post is hilarious! I second it all. My mom frequently tells me my clothes look like I slept in them. I’m a disgrace (maybe not quite that strong) I hate ironing and she loves her Rowenta. Crazy woman.
So funny! I have recently found your blog, and visited back a couple of times. I think it’s so funny and entertaining! I love your writing style. I tried leaving a comment before, but it didn’t work. Sorry! Anyway, I wanted to thank you for the entertainment! I also really enjoyed reading your Q & A. I love Elizabeth Bennett, and would agree she would be a great friend to have. Who is Fanny Price?
Great post….chuckle @ Lori…….”sweet lady C”
These letters are highly amusing. I can definitely relate to the diet Coke woes, the anti-ironing sentiment, the pull of Costco and of course the cursed sweet tooth!
Ok that was so much fun to read! I commend you on breaking up with Diet Coke, but we are still a major item and crazy about each other. I guess it would be a good idea to break it off but I just can’t! I only have it a couple times a week. Ok I sound like one of those stupid women that jusitfy and stay in their bad relationships…ARG! alright I will give it a try! LOL You are awesome Chloe!
Oh how sad. Sweet lady “c” is what we call coke in my family. If you can get off the teat, I say good for you, for I am not as strong as you. What a sad end…I still can’t believe, or see why Jill quit.Ironing is crap.
chloe, you crack me up. i love your letter posts. what a sacrifice with the diet coke! i prefer diet pepsi, but i can’t imagine trying to wean myself from it. good luck!
You are so creative!!! I LOVE this post. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Every time I thought it couldn’t get any funnier, well I did. I hear you about the Diet Coke. I started drinking soda regularly in my early twenties. A few months ago (after over a decade of being addicted) I realized that we could no longer be together. I was a give take relationship. I gave in every day and Diet Coke took away my figure. I am rooting for you, eventually it does get easier. Good luck with all your new adventures. And don’t even open up the Harry Potter book….you won’t be able to put it down.
one more thing…. when are go coming to California? and where will you be???
You are the best! I hear you about costco. Emma was so excited to go yesterday so we could get “noodles” – the largest pack of top ramen one could ever need. I know I left there with things I didn’t “really” need. Oh well, I’m sure they were good deals.
I loved this post!
Kankles… I love that term. And these letters are funny. I have so many I could write myself…especially to my laundry, it is sitting on my couch at this very moment.
mmm…amanda told me about the orange rolls. i told her to save me one. do you think she did?
This is hilarious. Sorry about the Diet Coke- I have given up the Diet Pepsi many times and just when I think I have it licked, they come out with Maxx that is oh so tasty and what I need. Damn them.I have the same feeling about clothes folding and ironing. I can see a rather large pile being hidden by my monitor if I turn my head ever so slightly- so I am not turning my head that way.
Oh, Chloe…you clever girl. I love letter blogs. And I’m so, so sorry about the Diet Coke. I have wanted/have given it up several times but still felt guilty because I was actually taking a sip right as I read that. I hope your kankles go away though.