Dear Diet Coke,
You are so good. Absolutely delicious. I never imagined that I would need to leave you. But this week, something weird happened. I got home Monday night and my legs were all swollen. To the point of causing me pain. My ankles, which are normally abnormally thin and delicate, had become kankles. I didn’t understand what was happening. Then I thought about the many, many ounces of you I had consumed that day. I didn’t want to believe it, but on Tuesday, after not drinking you all morning, I decided to see if you were the cause. I went to Sonic and purchased 44 ounces of your delicious goodness. I drank. I swelled. I cried. I knew our relationship had to end. Why do you have to cause me such problems? When will I be able to taste your sweet nectar again? Why’d you have to do me like that? And why, oh why, do I have to suffer such horrible headaches in your absence?
With mixed emotions,
I am actually starting to get excited to take you. I think it will be fun to see just how well I can do. Please don’t let me down. I really want a higher score than my instructor and I’m going to need your help to do it. I changed my plans for you. I rescheduled my trip for California to a few weeks later. I will be taking you on the Saturday of my Labor Day weekend, meaning that I will spend Labor Day morning running 18 miles so I can keep on my running schedule. Oh, dearest GMAT, please don’t let me down. Give me reading comprehension that I understand already and geometry problems that center on triangles. I love triangles. I hate circles. Please leave the circles home. Oh, and I’d prefer to not deal with negative exponents, but if negative exponents mean that I’m doing extremely well, then I will survive. And cube roots, I don’t need those so much either. Is all of this too much to ask? Is there something I can do for you? Just let me know.
With high hopes,
A future business leader of America
Dear Sweet Tooth,
I have to tell you that I am less than happy about your recent need to vocalize your desires. You have been so very kind and helpful these last eight weeks. You have kept your mouth shut and left me alone. Even through PMS, you were too awful. So what the hell happened. Why now? Why this week? What did I do to you? I try to give you treats now and then to keep you quiet. I go to Cold Stone and order the Sinless Sweet Cream, so that you aren’t totally deprived of ice cream. Why now? Why, when things have been going so well? Why must you whisper tales of ice cream and donuts and orange rolls into my ear? Why can’t you just shut up? Is it really that difficult?
With much disdain,
A girl who wishes you were mute and she was deaf
Why do you have to be so fun to walk around? Why can’t you be less tempting? After dinner with Amanda last night, I could have just gone home. But then she said she was going to Costco and I couldn’t help myself. I had to go. While it was worth it for the gas, I did not need to purchase Harry Potter. My goal was to make it through the GMAT without owning that darn book. I don’t have time to read it. But there it was, sitting at the end of the book aisle, with a super low price and I just couldn’t resist. I purchased it. I couldn’t afford it, in terms of time or money, but I did it. Something about your lovely warehouse prices lulls me into a false sense of security. I think to myself, “It’s Costco. Of course it’s a good purchase.” Why must you be so tempting?
A way too busy girl who will now be getting even less sleep
Dear clean clothes,
Why can’t you just fold yourselves? I’m sick of you and your stupid pile on my makeshift daybed/couch. I wish you would just go away (you know, away, into the closet, hung up and all).
With much frustration,
An anti-laundry folder
Dear Wrinkle Releaser,
Thank you. I know my mom would die…again (and I hope that doesn’t offend any of you out there, but this is what really comes out of my head), if she saw the state of my clothes sometimes when I walk out the door. But without you, it would be so much worse. Thank you for enabling my bad laundry folding/hanging habits. You are my hero.
A girl who hasn’t ironed in over three months
You’ve enjoyed a break this last week. You haven’t been deprived of any of your favorite treats (well, not until you decided to let the Diet Coke make you retain inordinate amounts of water). I haven’t made you run since Saturday. You have gotten more sleep this week than you have in months. I hope you have enjoyed it because things are about to change. It all ends today. After I have a little movie popcorn at the theater tonight. But once I go to bed tonight, consider yourself back in training. I know. I know. You think I’m horribly mean. But trust me, as much as you hate me for this training and deprivation, you would hate me more without it because we are running that marathon whether we like it or not. You will have a small taste of what laziness does on Saturday when we are running 10 miles, in Arizona.
With much love,
Your owner who really doesn’t want you to die while running 26.2 miles in October