and this is the part…

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When this blog turns into more of a running blog than anything else.

Yesterday should have been my first “official” day of training for the Canyonlands Half Marathon with an easy three mile run. However, because I’m not used to prioritizing running, when Alisa texted to see if I wanted to go to a movie of course I said yes because I wasn’t really thinking about the fact that I still needed to run three miles.

This is probably the hardest thing for me when it comes to training (or exercise of any sort). Prioritization. Yesterday, I didn’t want to go running until later in the day. I got up and started working on EST (I’m still in Utah thanks to the great blizzard in New York). Then, I took my “lunch” break and got ready for the day (as in shower, blow dry, flat iron, makeup) in order to meet Brian for breakfast. The fam was going to dinner that evening and I wasn’t about to do the whole “get ready” routine again, so running would have to wait.

And, as already mentioned, after dinner I went to a movie and then didn’t really plan on running because it was dark (the headlamp is in New York…yes, I own a headlamp) and really cold. The treadmill at my brother’s house is in his bedroom and I no longer have a gym membership in Utah. So, no run. Of course, when I did get home, Justin and Cherity were still awake and we ended up talking into the wee hours of the morning (okay, it was 12:30 am, but that is late for me these days). Yes, I could have done my run, but I wasn’t thinking about that when I was busy chatting away with my brother and his lovely wife.

So, Day 1 of training didn’t happen because I didn’t make it a priority. And that is how life works, isn’t it. We do what we make time to do. While I sucked it up yesterday, I made sure to prioritize for today. I got up for work (in my PJs) and then, when I finally decided to change into clothes…I changed into workout clothes and stayed in then until I ran and run I did. Today was 5x400s at 5k pace. I pushed it a little too hard maybe (this is another problem I have), but felt good when it was over.

When I was pushing through my last 400 at an 8:30 pace (this is basically sprinting for me), the perfect song came on; Too Much – Kylie Minogue. It was exactly how I felt about my first training run (incidentally, it’s about falling in love lust, but whatever).

And with that, on we go.

(A post about my vacation coming soon…and for that, this blog might transform into a “mom” blog momentarily because I am a very proud auntie.)

top 20 of 2010

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And on the music note (pun intended), I will now post my top 20 songs from 2010…the songs that will always remind me of this year in my life. I tried to make it 10, but…with my life being so clearly cut into two this year “Before New York” and “In New York”, it was just too hard, but I did divide it appropriately. In no particular order (and only including running music if I listened to it outside of running…that needs to be its own list):

Before New York

  1. Turn to Stone – Ingrid Michaelson
  2. Sick – The Lovemakers 
  3. Search Your Heart – Pete Yorn & Scarlette Johansson
  4. Your Hand In Mine – Explosions in the Sky
  5. I See You – Mika
  6. The Poison – The All-American Rejects
  7. Poker Face – Idina Menzel & Lea Michele
  8. Uprising – Muse
  9. Brooklyn Blurs – The Paper Raincoat
  10. Corner – Allie Moss
  11. Little House – Amanda Seyfried
  12. Comes and Goes in Waves – Greg Laswell
In New York
  1. Dog Days Are Over – Florence + The Machine
  2. A Little Bit Stronger – Sara Evans
  3. Empire State of Mind – Alicia Keys
  4. California Gurls – Katy Perry
  5. Alors On Danse – Stromae
  6. Teenage Dream – Glee Cast
  7. Raise Your Glass – P!nk
  8. One Last Time – The Kooks
That was a lot harder than I thought it would be…and I’m missing a lot of songs, but limiting it to 20 made me have to cut things down quite a bit.

top five

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I love music…probably more than I love anything else (even chocolate :-). I grew up with parents who loved it and made music a part of our lives everyday…sometimes to our chagrin. (Listening to my dad play the same four bars of music on the piano all day long did not do a lot to motivate me to learn how to play the instrument, nor did it to anything for my dislike of Cannon in D.) 

Moving on. Music has always been a huge part of my life. I can think back to any point in my life and name a song that reminds me of that time. If I were to create a “mix for my life” it would include anything from Metallica to David Lanz, and include really random stuff like The Party (anyone else remember them?). 
As I have been thinking about all of the music-related posts I would like to write, I’m going to start with this; the top five albums from my youth (through high school…not after). These are albums that I can (to this day) listen to end-to-end without skipping more than one song because I love them that much (and they hold so many memories).
  1. Shawn Colvin – Fat City
  2. Counting Crows – August & Everything After
  3. Dave Matthews – Under the Table and Dreaming
  4. U2 – War
  5. Madonna – True Blue
Eventually, I’ll make a list of all of the songs that represent my life (for my own sake…and that of my posterity), but this is where I’ll start. 

so many thoughts…

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I find that I get writer’s block when I have too much to say and I’m not sure where to start. But the main thing that has been clogging up my mind these days, which are filled with so much fun and family, is the anxiety I’ve been dealing with for the past month…or two.

I don’t like whiney pants blogs (I do, however, like saying “whiney pants”) and I don’t mean this to be any kind of pity party. But I am also very cognizant of the fact that sometimes my life might seem a little idyllic. And while I do have all of these wonderful things I want to record, I think it feels a little disingenuous to do so without sharing the whole picture. When I started my blog four years ago, it was in the wake of a very rough break up (I did the breaking…harder than one might think). I had lost myself in this relationship and the blog was a way to make sure that didn’t happen again. In the spirit of that honesty, I need to share this little tidbit before I go on to talk about how fantastic my life is and tell you all about the dinner parties, the random visit from an old friend, ice skating with my niece and nephew, skiing with my brother, etc, etc, etc.

Yeah, I get that some of you are probably wondering what I could possibly have to complain about and, truthfully, there isn’t much. But I am human and my life is definitely not perfect. I’ve debated how to record this information on the blog. I’ve started multiple posts describing various incidents or emotional breakdowns. I shared a little bit about the “big break down” but that was during a high point on the roller coaster which I have been riding for the past month or two.

Now I am stable. The roller coaster seems to have ended. I am neither extremely happy and carefree, nor am I stressed out and anxious. I am settling into just being…after a tearful conversation with my doctor and a prescription for a very low dose anti-anxiety medication.

And why have I been so anxious?

I think it started with not getting enough sleep. I have always prided myself on my ability to function on so little sleep, but apparently such is not the case. Throw a little PMS on top. Add a dash of the holidays, a pinch of 8 million people in NYC, a few drops of dating drama, and well, you can see that a recipe for anxiety was in the works.

And how has this anxiety manifested itself…in tears…behind closed doors…where very few people have actually been present to see it. There are only a handful of individuals who had any idea that I’ve been dealing with this. And it’s not that I’ve been intentionally hiding it, but really, who wants to be the center of attention because she can’t stop crying. And in the midst of all of this, I’ve had a million things going on; parties to attend, outings, work, helping other people deal with their drama, Christmas presents to purchase, etc, etc, etc.

But behind all of that I have been worrying. I worry about my job; that I’m not working hard enough, that my managers are going to figure out that I have no idea what I’m doing, that I’ll miss a deadline, or a formatting error, or a number. I worry about dating. I worry that I date too many boys who aren’t Mormon and that the Mormon ones don’t want to date me. I worry that I am not capable of actually loving someone in that way. I worry that I won’t find someone I like enough to want to spend the rest of my life with him. And I worry that there will never be anyone that feels that way about me. I worry that I make out too much and too fast. I worry that I don’t date enough. I worry about getting so caught up in my career that I miss the marriage boat. I worry that I won’t be able to find someone who is both smart and kind. I worry about having to tell someone someday about how much debt I’m in. I worry that I make too much money for some men to want to date me. I worry about not being in therapy. I worry that I about trying to pay for therapy. I worry that I will never be the size I want to be. I worry about my eggs drying up and being an “old” mom; or not being a mom at all. I worry that I will be a mom and will totally mess up my kids. I worry that I won’t be able to stay home with my kids because I won’t be able to afford it. I worry that I won’t want to stay home with my kids. I worry that I share too much with the wrong people and not enough with the right ones. I worry that I’ll never just be happy with how I look. I worry about my brothers and sisters. I worry about my nieces and nephews. I worry about what I’m going to wear. I worry about not being able to fall asleep. I worry about what people think of me. I worry that I don’t show my feelings (the good ones) enough. I’m even worrying a little, right now, about who will read this post and what they will think of me. I worry…I worry…I worry…I worry…

And this worrying has been keeping me from sleeping.

In case you wanted to know what it feels like, just read that paragraph over and over again, and skip sleeping for 24 hours and I think you’ll have an idea. Or you could just take my word for it.

The good news is medication is helping me sleep and sleep is helping me feel like me again…the me that didn’t know what anxiety was before moving to New York. And don’t get me wrong. I love living in New York. But with the extreme highs come extreme lows; opposition in all things; even cities.

And with that, I’m not going to reread this post and just publish it. Because really, I have much more fun things to blog about and I just need to get this out there and be done with it so I can move on (at least here).

raclette

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When I was 14, after one of the hardest years of my childhood, I decided I’d had enough of my life. I was done with my school. I was done with my friends. I was done with my family. On top of that, I’d always known that at some point in time, I would live in Europe. And so an idea was born. Thankfully, I had a mother who didn’t ever shoot down our hair-brained ideas. So, when I suggested that maybe I could be an exchange student for my sophomore year of high school (yes, sophomore), she told me that this might be a possibility. Well, that was all I needed to hear. A few months later, everything was set and I was on my way to La Calamine, Belgium to live with a lovely family called the Bindels.

While, in hindsight, I realize that I was way too young and way too naive to be living in a foreign country, speaking a foreign language, in the home of a very foreign family, this was one of the best decisions I ever made for so many reasons, not the least of which was the discovery of raclette.

This week, in history, was the first time I ever had raclette. After that first time, it was six years before I had it again. I was on a mission for my church in Switzerland and a lovely family invited me and the other missionary I live with over for the dish. I was lucky enough to have that experience a few times during the 16 months I was there.

Before I left Europe this time around, I made sure to purchase a raclette grill. Not being well versed in the ways of electricity at the time (home ownership changed all of that), it did not occur to me that my 220 volt grill was never going to pull the power it needed from our 110 volt outlets. My attempt at sharing raclette with my family ended in a stinky disaster of sweating cheese…one that my family often likes to bring up for no particular reason.

Finally, about four years ago, I decided I needed to purchase a raclette grill that would work here in the U.S. I found one on Amazon.com and promptly ordered it. While I have never been able to get my family to try it again, my friends have all willing participated in raclette consumption and this has become a regular part of my holidays every year. Not only do I absolute love eating raclette, I also love that it is a meal that lasts a while. Because you eat as you cook, this is not just a “sit down and dig in” type of meal. It is a meal that takes time and requires us to slow down just a bit.

I may not have thought to do it this year with so much going on, but at Kelly’s request, a raclette night was scheduled. (For the record, I love when my friends request such things!) It ended up being a very small group, but I was so excited to be sharing it with Kelly, Jenn (who had it as a child living in Europe, but not since), and Amanda (a raclette virgin). My apartment was decorated for Christmas. With just the four of us, I was able to pull out my table. It was absolutely lovely.

And now, I am looking forward to my second raclette of the season. As the raclette love has spread through my friends, a couple of them have purchased their own grills and this Tuesday I will attend my first American raclette party that I am not hosting thanks to the lovely Sarah. I could not be more excited!