existential dilemmas

Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced. – Kierkegaard

diving from a live-aboard (aka the best way to dive if you are not prone to motion sickness)

Posted on June 2, 2013 by chloe elizabeth

As some of you who visit here regularly know, I have just recently gotten back into diving. And if you don’t follow regularly and are interested, you can read about it here. Anyway, I have wanted to go on a live-aboard for as long as I have been diving. My dream is actually to go to the Galapagos Islands and live on a boat for a week and dive and dive and dive. But this was a good start.

As excited as I was to be going on a live-aboard for a couple of days, I was also nervous. I was going by myself and didn’t know anyone and while I’ve been diving more recently, it had still been since October.

I spent a lot of the trip out on the speedboat (you take a speedboat out to the live-aboard that just stays in the islands for the duration of diving season) just people watching and trying to figure out how I was going to talk to people. I mean, I know how to talk, but I am not a huge fan of meeting new people. I like knowing new people, but meeting them sometimes scares the crap out of me. Welcome to my insecurities.

Well, somehow I managed, once we are on the boat. And once the first dive was done and we all had this shared experience to talk about, it was like we were old friends. I’ve decided that the best way to vacation by oneself is to do some kind of activity that will give you that shared experience, because it’s like instant friends…at least on that level.

There were moments that weren’t so great as I was dealing with my imperfect breathing and buoyancy. I don’t like feeling like I’m struggling. Anyway, I got over that (and got better with each dive). So, all in all, the trip was awesome and I had so much fun and I could happily live on a boat for days and days as long as diving was involved. Plus, I met a couple who lives about 10 minutes from me in Tokyo. He’s French and she’s Japanese (who is more comfortable speaking French than English) which is seriously so random, but totally cool. Now we just have to get our schedules to work so we can hang out here.

the time i should have read my email more closely

Posted on May 20, 2013 by chloe elizabeth

My trip to Thailand and Cambodia was amazing…and possibly the least planned out trip I’ve ever been on that involved anyone other than myself. When I’m alone, I don’t care a bit about plans. When there’s someone else around and I feel like I’m in charge, then I care a lot. That said, the first part of my trip was pretty well set because I knew I wanted to go diving and I got there the very last weekend the Similan Islands (a national park) would be open for divers. Or at least I thought it was well planned out.

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Welcome to Thailand…at the Bangkok airport

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My ghetto fabulous room at the dive by the Bangkok airport. Totally worth the $20 it cost which included free airport transfer.

I left Tokyo Thursday evening and spent Thursday night at this crazy/random/cheap h–otel (motel?) near the airport in Bangkok so I could get on my 8am flight to Phuket the following morning. With no ideal flight schedules, this was the best option, and it meant that Friday was spent lying on the beach and getting a massage at the lovely resort where I’d booked myself. This was the most expensive portion of my trip, by far, but it was totally worth it.

QFeEaDZvPMJXdqcgyLdqL4RW7N4xlNvbcXP-UXmdWBA Saturday, I was set to be picked up between 5:50 and 6:00 am to be transported to Khao Lak (where the movie The Impossible took place, I discovered later) where I would board a speed boat out to a live-aboard in the Similan Islands. I was so excited. I have always wanted to do the live-aboard thing and could not wait to be diving again.

Well, I woke up Saturday morning, checked my big bag with the bellhop (I was going to be staying at the same hotel when I returned from my night at sea…this was good planning on my part). So, 5:50 passes, then 6:00, then 6:10. At this point, I’m starting to get a little panicked. I got to my email to find the guys number from the dive operator and, as I read the email, I saw that his confirmation email was, in fact, confirming the wrong date. I had say the 27th and 28th, he had confirmed for pickup on the 28th. This was not good. So, I call the 24 hour number (bless this diver operator and their 24-hour service) and I’m informed, very nicely, that it’s too late for me to get picked up, but if I can get a ride to Khao Lak, he would call to see if there was room on the boat for me that night.

So, I’m waiting for him to make a couple of phone calls and asking the front desk about a taxi to Khoa Lak. I am told it will be $120. I realize that sounds crazy, but considering how much I’ve already invested and that I have to be on a flight Monday evening to meet my friend in Bangkok and you can’t fly within 24-hours of diving, I knew I’d regret it if I didn’t do it. The kicker, though, was that I needed to be there in 90 minutes and the drive, if traffic and all of the elements combined cooperated, would be at least 90 minutes.

Here’s where I do well in a crisis (realizing that this is hardly a crisis in the grand scheme of things, but felt that way at the time). I am a pragmatist. I think through the situation, find the best possible solution, and move forward with it. I may have a moment of emotion, but then my rational brain kicks in and reminds me that emotions are pointless in such situations as they cannot do anything to help.

At this point, the desk clerk is calling the dive shop guy to confirm that I can get on the boat (I could) and where I need to be dropped off so he could explain it to the taxi driver. I confirm that I will pay cash for the ride. The taxi driver shows up and we’re off.

Where I don’t do well in a crisis is when there is driving involved and I’m not the one doing it. But, amazingly, in a world where you can never count on a taxi driver, I got one that drove just as I would drive. And I could see the determination in his eyes to get me there in time. Not because he really cared about me getting there, but because he wanted to prove he could do it. And that was just the determination I was looking for. And 90 LONG minutes later, I made it. I was on the speed boat, awaiting the arrival of the others who were to come as well. Seriously, I wish I had caught the name of the desk clerk and taxi driver (I asked for them, but me and foreign names don’t always understand one another so well…) because they were both champs.

And that covers my first 36 hours of a 10 day trip. More to come…

it’s been a while…

Posted on May 19, 2013 by chloe elizabeth

I can’t believe it’s been over a month since I lasted posted. In any case, it’s with good reason. My shipment from the U.S. (all my earthly belongings not already here with me) arrived in Japan on April 9th and since then, my life has been a whirlwind of IKEA furniture building, unpacking, and then some serious traveling. I need to get on the blog updates, and they are coming, but tonight I just want to capture how very blessed I feel at this moment.

As I sit here on my couch–my delightfully comfortable and beautifully red sectional from IKEA–listening to the Debussy channel on Pandora via my Roku, looking out my window on this incredible city, with the sound of rain in the background, I can’t help be think of just how lucky I am to have the life I have right now. It’s not without its trials–some of which I brought with me, some of which are new since arriving–but all in all, my heart is full of gratitude for this opportunity that I’ve been given and where my life is today.

And now, as much as I want to catch up on the blog, I need to write my sweet nephew, who’s currently on a mission for my church, a letter and then get to bed. My goal is to get some real updates done this week.

nageire

Posted on April 7, 2013 by chloe elizabeth

And the ikebana classes continue. I LOVE them! Since my first introductory lesson, though, I’ve been so excited to get to the lesson on the nageire upright style. My sensei demonstrated it in that first lesson and it was just so delicate. And whimsical. And elegant.

In the moribana style, one uses a kenzan (or “frog” as my grandmother called them) to position the flowers. In nageire, the stems are fixed without a kenzan using one of three methods. The first lesson, the vertical type fixture (called tate-no-soegi-dome in Japanese) was demonstrated. For my lesson yesterday, I learned the cross-bar fixture (jumonji-dome in Japanese). And the third type of fixture is just called direct fixing (jika-dome) which is typically use with and kind of transparent container or vase.

**Please excuse the quality of the photos…I was using my old iPhone (my other battery died) and apparently, the camera on it has some issues.

So, the cross-bar fixture is pretty amazing. Using just two thick stems or thin branches, you can create a fixture strong enough to lift the vase itself. In fact, that’s the way to test whether your cross-bar fixture is secure. You actually grab onto it and lift the vase. And once it’s secure, you get on with the arranging, which requires quite a bit more precision in cuts and attention to the weights of the flowers when compared with the moribana style.

One of my other favorite things about my classes is finding out what materials my sensei has for me. I never know what’s going to be there. Well, this week I was absolutely delighted both because I learned nageire and because I loved the materials (well, two out of three, anyway): dragon willow and roses. The feverfew I could have lived without and, as it turned out, I ended up hardly using when I recreated the arrangement at home. They don’t travel very well.

some necessary pruning

Posted on April 6, 2013 by chloe elizabeth

This week was hard. Like, really and truly hard. Like “cry at least once a day” hard. My heart broke a little, in fact. Not the romantic kind of break (that isn’t nearly as painful in my experience), but the kind of break that comes from the realization that you are deeply flawed. And while I thought I’d eradicated said flaw, in fact I haven’t nor had I noticed that it was still there. And as a result of this flaw, I’ve alienated or hurt people. A broken heart that comes from learning how negatively someone sees you and then recognizing that everything s/he has said is true and that you needed to hear it, even if hearing it was incredibly hard. A broken heart that comes from regret and sorrow for past and present behaviors. And from knowing just how disappointed my mom would have been if she were here.

Oh, the things I would give for a do-over (or 100 do-overs).

I’m not writing this because I want anyone to feel bad for me. I don’t. I’m the one that got me here and I’m the one that has to get me out. And I’m getting there. I’m writing this because this isn’t the first time I’ve learned this lesson and I want it documented this go around. I’m writing this because writing is my outlet. I’m writing this because, even if I’m not prepared to be explicit, I do want to be real.

I’ve learned a lot this week. It’s amazing that there never seems to be less to learn, isn’t it? And while most of what I learned was about myself, I also learned a little more about Japanese culture, like that there is some real beauty in the Japanese traits of politeness and discretion that usually make me a little crazy, but when you’re sitting at your desk at work at 10PM crying because your heart hurts (and not just “tears rolling down your cheeks” but “tear streaming, nose running, breath halting” type of crying), and you’re coworker just pretends that nothing is wrong and keeps doing her thing, you can’t help but recognize the value of such traits.

Any time I go through something especially difficult, my thoughts often turn to my mother and how I wish she was still around to help me through these things. Not because she’d make it all better or because she’d be on my “side”. She was always on my side in the sense that she wanted me to be successful in life, but if I was in the wrong, she wouldn’t tell me otherwise. She would, however, always help me see what I could do to make things better, to make me better. And then she would tell me she loved me.

The safety, security, and courage that come from unconditional love should never be underestimated.

I have a long way to go. Old habits die hard. And I have a lot of regrets. And a lot of apologies to make. I am also full of gratitude to the people whom I know I’ve hurt or wronged and who have given me their forgiveness without waiting for me to ask for it.

I’m sorry for being vague. I try not to be on the blog. But the wound is too fresh to open it up for public viewing and commentary. My heart still hurts and it probably will (and should) for a while. I’m also pretty ashamed and embarrassed. And while I’ve recognized what I need to change and made some improvements, I still have a long way to go. That’s all.

To end this on a more positive note, because really the result of all of this (I hope) is that I’m going to be a better person and that’s a good thing, I want to share one of my favorite quotes that is so very applicable.

Mere Christianity is one of my favorite books. C.S. Lewis so eloquently captures what he imagines Christ would say to each of us:

“Give me all of you!!! I don’t want so much of your time, so much of your talents and money, and so much of your work. I want YOU!!! ALL OF YOU!! I have not come to torment or frustrate the natural man or woman, but to KILL IT! No half measures will do. I don’t want to only prune a branch here and a branch there; rather I want the whole tree out! Hand it over to me, the whole outfit, all of your desires, all of your wants and wishes and dreams. Turn them ALL over to me, give yourself to me and I will make of you a new self—in my image. Give me yourself and in exchange I will give you Myself. My will, shall become your will. My heart, shall become your heart.”